Anonymous wrote:I’m a parent of young kids (toddler and baby). I need your help to think about the home environment I’m creating for them so they always are excited to come home as adults. Obviously, I know first and foremost will be cultivating a loving and safe emotional space for them, but I’m asking about whether there are any environmental aspects that could tip the scale. What do your adult kids love returning to?

For example, Californians seem to always make it back there after a few years in NYC.

Ideas:
- living in California
- family games you always played
- traditions tied to the house (eg, harvesting from the garden, super awesome neighborhood for Christmas decor)
- lots of pets/farm animals
- beautiful property
- pool/fun hangout spot for kids to bring friends

It's cute that you're thinking about this, but you have a LONG way to go and there are too many variables that are out of your control. Suffice it to say it won't play out like you hope and expect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a parent of young kids (toddler and baby). I need your help to think about the home environment I’m creating for them so they always are excited to come home as adults. Obviously, I know first and foremost will be cultivating a loving and safe emotional space for them, but I’m asking about whether there are any environmental aspects that could tip the scale. What do your adult kids love returning to?

For example, Californians seem to always make it back there after a few years in NYC.

Ideas:
- living in California
- family games you always played
- traditions tied to the house (eg, harvesting from the garden, super awesome neighborhood for Christmas decor)
- lots of pets/farm animals
- beautiful property
- pool/fun hangout spot for kids to bring friends

Respectfully, OP, these are all wonderful things and you should do them if they make you feel good and they make your kids happy in childhood. But there’s no guarantee any of it will make them want to come back home. They will grow into adults and build their own lives with other people that they will to have to make decisions and compromises with, and some of them might not involve you.

I feel like OP envisions building this family compound that her kids, their spouses, and grandkids will descend upon multiple times a year (and leaving the other set of grandparents in the dust, of course).

And a pool for "kids to bring friends" really doesn't matter after college-aged, so I don't even understand that one. and like a PP said, it's more of a hassle in the toddler years.

My ILs have a pool and everyone’s kind of over it. There’s this almost aggressive expectation that the grandchildren are going to want to swim when they come visit (or come visit so that they can swim) and my kids generally don’t care about it. They want to play with their friends at our neighborhood pool.

I already feel sorry for OP’s future DIL/SILs.

Anonymous wrote:Op, visit them. They will have busy lives. You need to visit, imo almost equally, where they live. They will want you to know their adult life, what it's like where they live. We've made ourselves comfortable in whatever hotel we need to stay in. We occupy our time in their location when they're busy. They are busy. They aren't taking time off work. DH and I create some of our own, independent memories where they live so our happiness and connection to their area doesn't rest solely on them. You need to be adaptable to many environments, especially when they are young adults. Don't make a fuss about inconvenience. They have busy lives. They won't always be able to come to you even if you think you've created some idillic environment and they really, really want to.

I think retired parents should visit MORE than equally. Retired parents have tons of money, tons of leave and young professionals starting out don't have that. Even parents who are 50+ and not yet retired have lots of leave at work that they can use.

My inlaws never visit us and it is hard to always be the ones who visit. We mostly go to see other siblings and family members in one place. Key is to have a big family to visit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a parent of young kids (toddler and baby). I need your help to think about the home environment I’m creating for them so they always are excited to come home as adults. Obviously, I know first and foremost will be cultivating a loving and safe emotional space for them, but I’m asking about whether there are any environmental aspects that could tip the scale. What do your adult kids love returning to?

For example, Californians seem to always make it back there after a few years in NYC.

Ideas:
- living in California
- family games you always played
- traditions tied to the house (eg, harvesting from the garden, super awesome neighborhood for Christmas decor)
- lots of pets/farm animals
- beautiful property
- pool/fun hangout spot for kids to bring friends

Respectfully, OP, these are all wonderful things and you should do them if they make you feel good and they make your kids happy in childhood. But there’s no guarantee any of it will make them want to come back home. They will grow into adults and build their own lives with other people that they will to have to make decisions and compromises with, and some of them might not involve you.

I feel like OP envisions building this family compound that her kids, their spouses, and grandkids will descend upon multiple times a year (and leaving the other set of grandparents in the dust, of course).

And a pool for "kids to bring friends" really doesn't matter after college-aged, so I don't even understand that one. and like a PP said, it's more of a hassle in the toddler years.

This is either a troll post or OP is insane.

Op, save your money ~ save your money to visit them

I would not suggest you buy farm animals

wow

"For example, Californians seem to always make it back there after a few years in NYC."

Is that true? All I know are former Californians who fled sky high taxes and who couldn't afford homes there. CA doesn't seem like a family friendly place.

I think most people only spend a few years in NYC in their 20s.

^hometown

I don't know how to say this, OP, but trying too hard to calculate the exact right environment that will force your kids to come back home has a good chance of smothering them or appearing too try hard.

You can create an environment that is safe, fun, loving, with good food and good memories. What you do not have control over is your kids' experience at school or in their homework (for the most part), their degree of ambition or wanderlust, who they marry, and other stuff.

Relax. Enjoy the ride!

Anonymous wrote:I’m a parent of young kids (toddler and baby). I need your help to think about the home environment I’m creating for them so they always are excited to come home as adults. Obviously, I know first and foremost will be cultivating a loving and safe emotional space for them, but I’m asking about whether there are any environmental aspects that could tip the scale. What do your adult kids love returning to?

For example, Californians seem to always make it back there after a few years in NYC.

Ideas:
- living in California
- family games you always played
- traditions tied to the house (eg, harvesting from the garden, super awesome neighborhood for Christmas decor)
- lots of pets/farm animals
- beautiful property
- pool/fun hangout spot for kids to bring friends

Respectfully, OP, these are all wonderful things and you should do them if they make you feel good and they make your kids happy in childhood. But there’s no guarantee any of it will make them want to come back home. They will grow into adults and build their own lives with other people that they will to have to make decisions and compromises with, and some of them might not involve you.

Op, visit them. They will have busy lives. You need to visit, imo almost equally, where they live. They will want you to know their adult life, what it's like where they live. We've made ourselves comfortable in whatever hotel we need to stay in. We occupy our time in their location when they're busy. They are busy. They aren't taking time off work. DH and I create some of our own, independent memories where they live so our happiness and connection to their area doesn't rest solely on them. You need to be adaptable to many environments, especially when they are young adults. Don't make a fuss about inconvenience. They have busy lives. They won't always be able to come to you even if you think you've created some idillic environment and they really, really want to.

I am very close to my parents and talk to my mom daily. We grew up pretty wealthy and I had everything you listed (except CA and farm animals) and I didn't go back home after college.

I met DH in the DC area, moved up here and never left. I definitely chose DH over my parents, but no regrets. All children should choose a wonderful marriage over their parents. My parents wanted to see us more and see their only grandchildren so they moved up here too. It's easier for retirees to move than working parents. All the traditions are now made up here.

What wasn't on your list that would have probably made it so I didn't move away from home- relatives. I had zero relatives other than my parents. I had no siblings, no cousins and no grandparents tying me to my parents' home. A big part of me is sad I'll never have nieces or nephews or a big family, so that maybe would have made me stay closer to home.

This isn’t something you can crowd source. You need to know your individual kids and tailor appropriately to their specific personalities and preferences (and potentially eventually that of their spouses/families.) What’s comforting and appealing to one child and draws them back could come across as smothering and overbearing and drive another child away.