Anonymous wrote:I do crave emotional intimacy. I also find it much easier to be emotionally intimate with a woman if we are sexually intimate.

I don't crave monogamy, which leads to problems since most women link emotional intimacy to monogamy.

Ok, so how do you spend your holidays when you are with several women ? Do you split them (V Day with one, Christmas another ); shuttle between houses of lovers or do threesomes ? And do you engage in long term non- monogamous relationships or just float from one woman to next ?
Obviously, if you dispose of women periodically to move to the next one, you are not emotionally attached and they’ll feel emotionally used

Anonymous wrote:Do men care about building a long-term relationship with someone and really knowing them as a person? Do they value that depth?

Or is it really just about the sex and the woman being happy, compliant, and making his life easier?

I'm having a string of interactions lately that are making me believe it's the latter and that's depressing. If that's the case, I'd rather abstain.

Unless you met young and sort of grew up together in your 20's, for most couples developing emotional intimacy takes years. It comes once they are good with mutual feeling of happiness, satisfying sex, compliance, making each other's lives easier etc. You can't develop emotional bonds in vacuum.

PP here. I'll add that I think the only reason why men aren't just continuing to have sex with 18- 25 year olds their entire lives is simply that they don't have the opportunity. It's not aligned with women's preferences (not that many 18 year olds want to sleep with 50 year-olds) and it's also not socially acceptable. But if these constraints were removed, I think that's the direction men would go. Whereas if women's constraints were removed, they would probably stay with their same age partner (or slightly older) their entire lives. Or at least have serially monogamous relationships.

I used to think that men value this pretty highly but as I've gotten older I have just seen so many examples of men prioritizing exciting sex above all else (as one man already said on this thread), including being willing to abandon their wife and family for it. There is just a fundamental mismatch between what men and women want long term. I think there are a sizable number of men (the majority?) who would be perfectly happy just having sex with 18-25 year old women their entire lives. I'm not cynical about it, just think it's kind of sad. I had higher opinions of men growing up!

I do crave emotional intimacy. I also find it much easier to be emotionally intimate with a woman if we are sexually intimate.

I don't crave monogamy, which leads to problems since most women link emotional intimacy to monogamy.

To me.

I get you OP. It does seem like a lot of times it's about what you do to make them happy and provide comfort like, I love you because you're nice.

Anonymous wrote:Do men care about building a long-term relationship with someone and really knowing them as a person? Do they value that depth?

Or is it really just about the sex and the woman being happy, compliant, and making his life easier?

I'm having a string of interactions lately that are making me believe it's the latter and that's depressing. If that's the case, I'd rather abstain.

they absolutely do care and i would say, at some level, they need it more than women do. their emotions are also more pure, less complicated. they do give themselves fully. however, as they age they often get cynical.

IME they care about it when they need a woman to serve as their therapist and ego soother.

Yes, of course we crave emotional connection. However, most of us have been told our entire lives that having emotions make us weak and undesirable. Coming home and saying "that day sucked and I feel like I want to ball up on the couch and have you hold me" isn't exactly seen as acceptable for men. We live with the duality of needing to be seen as "strong" and "able to provide" without acknowledging that we have complex identities that may not fit this model.

I've often reflected on the fact that in my 20's I didn't have the vocabulary to talk about my emotional side- what I needed to feel safe to open up, how to admit that I had emotions at all, etc.

I haven't dated in years (and I'm a man) but think about the questions you are asking. Are they open ended "impress me" type of questions? In getting to know people, what do you prioritize? Are you balancing questions where he may feel like he has to perform/meet a certain bar (where you live, work, what you drive, what do you like to do) with those that are measuring his ability to emotionally connect?

Are you just playing a cat/mouse game with sex or are you setting expectations for emotional connection (like demonstrating emotional aptitude) before seeking physical intimacy?

Consider asking a few deeper/probing things like "what's something you were wrong about, but looking back that was a good thing?" Or, lighter version "you seem so laid-back, what is it like when you get frustrated? When you were a kid was it the same?"

I'm not sure this will work- I'm no dating expert. However, I've been around a long time and have struggled as a man to find my emotional side. It was hard. It took deep caring from someone convinced that when I was ready to share my real self, they were willing to listen and be there for me without judgement.

Not all men are like me, but you may find that you can suss that out a bit more based on the way you are approaching dating too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional intimacy is great and I don't need a woman to make my life easier.

And yet, sex is far and away the most important part of any relationship.

ANY relationship? With your father? Your daughter? Your dentist?

You know they are talking about married relationship? Or are you really that dense?

What happens when your wife is pregnant or sick? Or when you get prostate cancer?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotional intimacy is great and I don't need a woman to make my life easier.

And yet, sex is far and away the most important part of any relationship.

ANY relationship? With your father? Your daughter? Your dentist?

You know they are talking about married relationship? Or are you really that dense?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course. The good men are looking for emotional intimacy. My guess is that divorced men (and women) have more baggage and less ability to make themselves fully emotionally available like they might have when they were 25. But yes, men that you want to be with are looking for some level of emotional intimacy.

There's definitely some selection bias at work if you're old enough to be on DCUM and dating. A lot of the men who value long term emotional connections are going to be married, precisely because they value those things.

Anonymous wrote:Emotional intimacy is great and I don't need a woman to make my life easier.

And yet, sex is far and away the most important part of any relationship.

ANY relationship? With your father? Your daughter? Your dentist?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do men care about building a long-term relationship with someone and really knowing them as a person? Do they value that depth?

Or is it really just about the sex and the woman being happy, compliant, and making his life easier?

I'm having a string of interactions lately that are making me believe it's the latter and that's depressing. If that's the case, I'd rather abstain.

Enjoy your cats.

Enjoy your ego.