Why didn't she have a phone prior to this? In this world 14 would be a very difficult age to not have a phone, phones are the social language of teens.

Her behavior has no excuse and needs to be addressed, but withholding a phone from a 14 year old could create a lot of bitterness and animosity towards authority, and a feeling like you really don't care about her wellbeing (social wellbeing which matters a lot to teens). Her not even having a restricted phone or similar and what she would deal with because of that - it seems a bot normal to me that she would have no respect for adults in charge.

Barring some extremely atypical situation of course, but genetically, 14 year olds often have phones even just for their safety and for parents to keep in touch to help foster independence & responsibility. Also both very important at this age.

Anonymous wrote:could it be ADHD?n

Can we please stop using ADHD as an excuse for rude or inappropriate behavior? OP said her DD is 14. Even if she has ADHD she knows it’s unacceptable to use that kind of language to a teacher.

could it be ADHD?n

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't she get detention the FIRST time she swore at the teacher? What was the school's punishment for this?

TYPICAL for a public school.

Why didn't she get detention the FIRST time she swore at the teacher? What was the school's punishment for this?

Anonymous wrote:Public or private OP?

First she appologizes in person.

Then she goes to therapy to find out what you have done wrong as parents

I’m gonna guess public because she’d probably be kicked out of any private my kids attended!

Agree about apologizing in person. Probably in writing as well. And therapy.

Anonymous wrote:My 14yo DD (8th grade) swore at a teacher at school. After being told to stop talking in class, she said told the teacher to “Stfu. We are addressing it seriously at home.
This is the second or third incident of disrespectful language, and she’ll have to get detention if ur happens again. She does not have a phone, so I’m looking for ideas on appropriate consequences beyond that. She can have a quick temper, and we’re working on it, but the focus right now is making sure this stops.
What consequences would you give?

If my 14yo told a teacher to stfu, it would be the first and last time.

Switch schools to one that imposes real consequences. She’s fine this before and hasn’t had detention?

*cancel all after school extracurriculars or social plans for that week.

In addition to her sincere apology, she could volunteer to stay after school every day for a week to assist the teacher with any classroom tasks they need a hand with.

If my almost 14 year old told her teacher to STFU, I would be telling the school to ABSOLUTELY give her detention. And her world would be rocked at home for 2-4 weeks. I mean — no phone or electronics, no hanging out with friends, and probably a lot less clothing in her closet to choose from each day. With her extra time, she would be able to do laundry frequently since she would have little clothing along with other chores.

And I say this as a fairly lenient parent. We hardly ever discipline. But, saying this to a teacher would light me on fire. I would burn it down for a few weeks.

I would start with having her write a formal apology to the teacher for her language.

She has behavior problems and already doesn’t have a phone. Does she watch TV at home access to laptops computers? I don’t think taking those away any further will help any need to address why she has that quick temper.

OP,
I’m a teacher and have been the recipient of this type of behavior. Thank you for addressing it! I’ve met with parents who range from apathetic to proud about this type of behavior. The fact you are trying to stop it tells me that it will likely stop.

I’ve had students who were horribly disrespectful as 9th graders but lovely by 11th grade. Often they come around and see that adults are actually on their side as they navigate these tough years.

Good luck to you and your kid!

I think an in person apology is the way to go. It’s cringy enough for a kid that age that it will stick with her.
Then detention when the school requires it and a conversation with her about what she thinks the consequences should be if it happens again.

I was a shithead in middle school. I don’t think I ever cussed at a teacher, but I got into a fair amount of trouble, skipped a lot of detentions and was generally not awesome.
I am a teacher now, and became a super respectful/responsible kid in 9th grade. There is hope, but she needs to be inspired to be better

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can have a quick temper, and we’re working on it, but the focus right now is making sure this stops.

Tell us more about this OP, especially the "we're working on it" part.

Yes, unless there are extenuating circumstances such as some sort of behavioral disorder, this is not something you “work” on. It’s something you put a stop to immediately.
The PP who posted that she would accompany her child to the school and have her student apologize to the teacher and reinforce in front of the teacher that this behavior and disrespect toward the teacher is unacceptable is probably the most effective way to address this. At least the teacher and child will have clarity on where the parents stand. And for a teacher, it’s nice to get that reinforcement from parents.