Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 18:03     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Anonymous wrote:She really may need to work. I assume if she is making $250k at 29, she works a lot. And she may not want to use up her precious vacation time for overseas family reunion (which sounds like it'd take a week at least)


+1. Also, treat kids equally.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:49     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
You shouldn't have told the oldest. If one is a CPA and the other two are public school teachers, the teachers will never have the earning potential of the CPA. You should have kept it quiet.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:47     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it's okay unless you are very wealthy and an additional airfare is no big deal.

However it sounds like you framed it for her in a weird way that made her feel punished for her success. Instead I would have emphasized to her that you were doing this because her siblings would not be able to afford the trip otherwise, and you really want the family to be able to do this together. I also would have told her that you are incredibly proud of her success, and suggested doing something as a congratulations, but separate from the trip. I also would emphasize that in the trip itself, things would be equal between the siblings in terms of what you will pay for (accommodations, meals) and that it's just the airfare where you are asking her to step up since it's a burden on you to pay for the additional airfare (again, if it's not actually a burden for you, I'd just pay for everyone).


But why? If you can afford $1500 for two siblings, you should be able to pay $1500 for the other one. It's not an age difference thing (as in one is 22 and just out of college versus 29)---they are all adults



I don't see how you assume that if they gave 3k to pay for two of the kids that it's no big deal to pay another 1500 for a third kid. While also paying their own airfare and also presumably picking up the tab for the hotel and meals. Say they were hoping to do the trip for 12k, and then realized the airfare was a strain due the two younger kids and said okay we can stretch it to 15k to cover airfare due them, but then airfare for the oldest pushes it to 16.5k. It adds up. Some people might shrug and not care, but some people have budgets for discretionary spending even at this level. This may be a bucket list trip for OP, to visit this destination with her kids.

Also, there is an age discrepancy here and OP specifically points out the oldest is more established in her career.

But I think there's a way to handle it and a way not to. Telling the oldest "oh you have to pay because you can" with no other context absolutely gives the impression that they are just being punished for making more.


She says her kids are 25, 27, and 29 so not exactly different stages of life types of age gaps. If this is a bucket list for OP to be with her children then she should either pay for all of them or not be upset when the oldest, who is expected to pay their way, says no thanks.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:33     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it's okay unless you are very wealthy and an additional airfare is no big deal.

However it sounds like you framed it for her in a weird way that made her feel punished for her success. Instead I would have emphasized to her that you were doing this because her siblings would not be able to afford the trip otherwise, and you really want the family to be able to do this together. I also would have told her that you are incredibly proud of her success, and suggested doing something as a congratulations, but separate from the trip. I also would emphasize that in the trip itself, things would be equal between the siblings in terms of what you will pay for (accommodations, meals) and that it's just the airfare where you are asking her to step up since it's a burden on you to pay for the additional airfare (again, if it's not actually a burden for you, I'd just pay for everyone).


But why? If you can afford $1500 for two siblings, you should be able to pay $1500 for the other one. It's not an age difference thing (as in one is 22 and just out of college versus 29)---they are all adults



I don't see how you assume that if they gave 3k to pay for two of the kids that it's no big deal to pay another 1500 for a third kid. While also paying their own airfare and also presumably picking up the tab for the hotel and meals. Say they were hoping to do the trip for 12k, and then realized the airfare was a strain due the two younger kids and said okay we can stretch it to 15k to cover airfare due them, but then airfare for the oldest pushes it to 16.5k. It adds up. Some people might shrug and not care, but some people have budgets for discretionary spending even at this level. This may be a bucket list trip for OP, to visit this destination with her kids.

Also, there is an age discrepancy here and OP specifically points out the oldest is more established in her career.

But I think there's a way to handle it and a way not to. Telling the oldest "oh you have to pay because you can" with no other context absolutely gives the impression that they are just being punished for making more.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:20     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
OP it's your money and you can dole it as you like. But different treatment can have consequences in your relationships with children and theirs with each other.

I wonder if you could have told the high income kid that you were so proud of her career, impressed by her having such a significant job st her age. Then say you were going to book and pay for the siblings tickets. Did she want you to book and pay for hers, too? She might say yes, or might say no that's ok. But she was asked.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:18     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Anonymous wrote:A family reunion in another continent is a ridiculous ask


Agree. You daughter also has to use her precious vacation to spend with her deadbeat siblings and mom who favors them. Hard pass.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:17     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Treat both the same and offer the same help.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:14     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Anonymous wrote:i think you should treat all children equally.


+1
I’d be hurt that you were punishing my success.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:12     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
She really may need to work. I assume if she is making $250k at 29, she works a lot. And she may not want to use up her precious vacation time for overseas family reunion (which sounds like it'd take a week at least)
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:11     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Does she have a partner that wasn't invited?

My parents struggle with this because I have a spouse, family and a well paying job. My sibling is single with a low paying job. I'm okay with them supporting her more on vacations.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:09     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
I think you should have offered to pay for all of your kids or none of your kids. Basic fairness.

Also, you have no leverage to guilt her into going now because she's paying her own way. Presumably you offered to pay for the other 2 because you want your family to be there. I doubt the third will go now no matter what you offer because you poisoned the well.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:07     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
A family reunion in another continent is a ridiculous ask
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:07     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Anonymous wrote:I think it's okay unless you are very wealthy and an additional airfare is no big deal.

However it sounds like you framed it for her in a weird way that made her feel punished for her success. Instead I would have emphasized to her that you were doing this because her siblings would not be able to afford the trip otherwise, and you really want the family to be able to do this together. I also would have told her that you are incredibly proud of her success, and suggested doing something as a congratulations, but separate from the trip. I also would emphasize that in the trip itself, things would be equal between the siblings in terms of what you will pay for (accommodations, meals) and that it's just the airfare where you are asking her to step up since it's a burden on you to pay for the additional airfare (again, if it's not actually a burden for you, I'd just pay for everyone).


But why? If you can afford $1500 for two siblings, you should be able to pay $1500 for the other one. It's not an age difference thing (as in one is 22 and just out of college versus 29)---they are all adults

Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:06     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Yes I think you are wrong
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2026 17:06     Subject: Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?
Is she in the same city? Or a more expensive city? If she has a bigger salary, but lives in a more expensive city, then it could be that her discretionary spending is the same as her other 2 siblings.

But as has already been mentioned, you are basically punishing her for being successful--especially as you worded it in your OP.