Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 16:09     Subject: Secret Santa


Lesson learned.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 13:34     Subject: Secret Santa
Anonymous wrote:So DD got a handmade item per the rules and something from the dollar store.

Did she appreciate the handmade item?

Was the dollar store item like anything on her wish list?

What did she say she wanted?

Was it you must spend $25 or under $25? If the latter, well...


Op. I asked DD and she said they were talking about gifts for $25. And at some point one kid changed it to up to $25.

I think this is a valuable life lesson for all of them - to be clear on the rules, not to change rules last minute, and if someone cannot afford it, to speak up.

She said she liked and appreciated the hand made gift until she saw the other kids with multiple gifts. I encouraged her to appreciate the thoughtful handmade gift and she seemed to be okay and she also mentioned that next year she will think about it before participating.





Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 13:22     Subject: Secret Santa
My kid tried to do a Jellycat exchange with her friends and wanted me to buy one for $25-30 so she could get one. I told her no way. Why would I basically buy her this extra gift when her siblings weren't getting one? It wasn't her money she was going to spend. I said no and that was that.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 13:18     Subject: Secret Santa
My DD (15yo) participated in a voluntary Secret Santa with her lunch friends at school. They set a $30 limit. Parents had nothing to do with it, the kids agreed on it themselves. Each individual explained her interests to give the gift-givers some ideas. My kid thought about it a lot, selected a graphic tee on theme with the gift-recipient's interests, plus a cute motivational paperweight type thing. Spent just under $30 of her own money. She received nothing from her Secret Santa because the child wanted to knit something and of course never finished it. I rolled my eyes but my kid didn't care at all. She enjoyed giving the gift, even though I'm over here cynically thinking my kid got chumped. Some kids are flakes. They can't help it. We're not dwelling on it. My kiddo would probably do it all again.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 12:30     Subject: Secret Santa
So DD got a handmade item per the rules and something from the dollar store.

Did she appreciate the handmade item?

Was the dollar store item like anything on her wish list?

What did she say she wanted?

Was it you must spend $25 or under $25? If the latter, well...
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 11:22     Subject: Secret Santa
It stinks but it’s a life lesson. I always hate gift exchanges because this sort of thing happens at all ages and in a variety of settings. You put a lot of thought and your hard earned money into purchasing a gift and another person buys something cheap, generic or regifts. Our family does a white elephant exchange and I wish we’d stop. We have 5 in our family and I don’t want my kids to waste their money so I buy all the gifts. $125 later we come home with maybe one good or useful item. I see this happen in the work setting too. DH’s office used to do secret Santa and he’d agonize and then get a mug in return. For teens who have little money, it’s tough. My kids didn’t do secret Santa but always wanted to give bday gifts to friends but only about half the time was it reciprocated. Sorry to not be helpful but I think all you can do is follow her lead. Let her know it’s ok not to feel pressured to participate (if she brings it up). Otherwise, maybe encourage shopping at Five Below.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:51     Subject: Secret Santa
Anonymous wrote:Yes; remind her it’s about giving and not as much about receiving. And work on helping her move on quickly from small dissapointments.

Btw: You don’t actually have to give her the advice on smaller amounts next year unless she asks. This isn’t for you to manage. This type of thing is how these kids learn—by negotiating, experiencing, and coming to their own conclusions.


Good point! Thank you.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:49     Subject: Secret Santa
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No one feels bad for you/her. Good lord.


Go away. I did not ask anyone to feel bad for her or me (not sure where I come in).

Good Lord


Then why are you posting about it? Your child may not be still ruminating about it, but you are! Enough to write a multi paragraph post on an anonymous Internet site.


Again, go away. Find another thread or person to beat up on. You are not providing anything useful in this thread.

Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:48     Subject: Secret Santa
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This was through friends, not an official school thing? In elementary school, they had to do one for school and I paid. I thought it was odd for a public school to do a gift exchange at all. So no hurt feelings if it didn’t go well.

DD exchanged presents like this with some friends in middle school and I still gave her the money but the budget was much lower, like $10.

This year in HS she had one friend who wanted to exchange presents with a $25 limit. It’s left over from the middle school days and just getting awkward since they aren’t even that close anymore. I told DD I would pay for it if she picked out something since I didn’t want an uncomfortable situation like you described and they used to be close. DD bought her a few cute things and tried to be thoughtful but this girl went over their limit. I fear she feels like your daughter, and the whole thing just was not a good experience. I’m not saying much but when DD talks about it, gently encouraging her to stick to something like a cookie exchange for next year since they all like to bake. I think $25 is too much anyway.


Op. Yes, this was through friends. Middle school. She has participated in it at elementary in 5th grade with a $10 budget and that went fine so she thought it would be good in MS too. She said other than 2 kids who did this, everyone else actually stuck to the agreement and put thought into it.




Now she knows people are users. Lesson learned.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:47     Subject: Secret Santa
Anonymous wrote:This was through friends, not an official school thing? In elementary school, they had to do one for school and I paid. I thought it was odd for a public school to do a gift exchange at all. So no hurt feelings if it didn’t go well.

DD exchanged presents like this with some friends in middle school and I still gave her the money but the budget was much lower, like $10.

This year in HS she had one friend who wanted to exchange presents with a $25 limit. It’s left over from the middle school days and just getting awkward since they aren’t even that close anymore. I told DD I would pay for it if she picked out something since I didn’t want an uncomfortable situation like you described and they used to be close. DD bought her a few cute things and tried to be thoughtful but this girl went over their limit. I fear she feels like your daughter, and the whole thing just was not a good experience. I’m not saying much but when DD talks about it, gently encouraging her to stick to something like a cookie exchange for next year since they all like to bake. I think $25 is too much anyway.


Op. Yes, this was through friends. Middle school. She has participated in it at elementary in 5th grade with a $10 budget and that went fine so she thought it would be good in MS too. She said other than 2 kids who did this, everyone else actually stuck to the agreement and put thought into it.


Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:43     Subject: Re:Secret Santa
I keep telling my kid to tell her friend group to keep it under $5 in case thete are friends who might not have access to more money or even feel like they need to spend a lot but it falls on deaf ears with her group.

It's been hit or miss. One year her Santa dropped out of the friend group just before Christmas and and no one realized there would be no present for her. She handled that well.

But it's much better in high school for her.

This group is better at communicating what they are comfortable with and not keeping quiet so as to not rock the boat.

Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:42     Subject: Secret Santa
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No one feels bad for you/her. Good lord.


Go away. I did not ask anyone to feel bad for her or me (not sure where I come in).

Good Lord


Then why are you posting about it? Your child may not be still ruminating about it, but you are! Enough to write a multi paragraph post on an anonymous Internet site.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:41     Subject: Secret Santa
Yes; remind her it’s about giving and not as much about receiving. And work on helping her move on quickly from small dissapointments.

Btw: You don’t actually have to give her the advice on smaller amounts next year unless she asks. This isn’t for you to manage. This type of thing is how these kids learn—by negotiating, experiencing, and coming to their own conclusions.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:38     Subject: Secret Santa
This was through friends, not an official school thing? In elementary school, they had to do one for school and I paid. I thought it was odd for a public school to do a gift exchange at all. So no hurt feelings if it didn’t go well.

DD exchanged presents like this with some friends in middle school and I still gave her the money but the budget was much lower, like $10.

This year in HS she had one friend who wanted to exchange presents with a $25 limit. It’s left over from the middle school days and just getting awkward since they aren’t even that close anymore. I told DD I would pay for it if she picked out something since I didn’t want an uncomfortable situation like you described and they used to be close. DD bought her a few cute things and tried to be thoughtful but this girl went over their limit. I fear she feels like your daughter, and the whole thing just was not a good experience. I’m not saying much but when DD talks about it, gently encouraging her to stick to something like a cookie exchange for next year since they all like to bake. I think $25 is too much anyway.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2026 10:38     Subject: Secret Santa
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes. It's supposed to be fun. If she's still ruminating in disappointment over it ten days into January, maybe you suggest she not do it next year and spend her allowance on buying herself what she wants.


Not ruminating. They did it this week.


My advice remains the same.