Anonymous wrote:We told our kids from middle school that we had enough money for them to go to 4 years of in-state public and they needed to work in that budget. If they can get merit aid at a private or out of state, that's fine but they will need to take loans out to cover any difference.

This but with the caveat that the only loans that will be available to them are federal unsubsidized loans, which are limited to a total of $5500 in the first year, $6500 in the second year, and $7500 for subsequent years, up to a total of $31k. We will not be borrowing any money on their behalf or cosigning any loans. Given these limits, loans aren't likely to bridge the difference between the cost of an in- state public and a private college unless significant merit or need-based aid is at hand as well.

Our kids ended up at (1) a mid-ranked private SLAC private with merit plus some federal loans (totaling ~$12,000) and (2) our in-state flagship, no loans.

Why are you sighing and complaining about college costs to your kid (in 8th grade!)? It’s not his fault you had him and are choosing to pay for his college.

I wouldn't say anything very specific to an 8th grader. So much can change between now and then in terms of what schools they like, how much aid is offered, financial conditions in your family and in the economy, and of course public student loans may change a lot too. Tell your child that your family will focus on best fit and best value, and leave it at that.

Part of it is building a list of schools with your kid that are affordable and where the juice is worth the squeeze. In our view it’s more complicated than simply a numerical cutoff (like the cost of in-state tuition). Some top privates give significant need-based aid which may make the cost of attendance only somewhat more (for us) than an in-state option—a stretch that may involve some pain but is still doable. Other privates may provide significant merit aid. Some out-of-state publics are not much more than our in-state options. And other out-of-state publics are almost as expensive as privates but, unlike privates, don’t give any aid to out-of-state students. We are willing to pay more (and take out loans) for some of these options but not others—it depends on the school and the context (though we have told kid that the expensive publics that charge high out-of-state tuition and don’t provide financial aid are out of reach for us, even though some of them would otherwise be a good fit).

Previous poster again-

Wanted to clarify that I'm not suggesting you mention college at all in 8th grade. I personally don't think parents should bring it up until 10th at the earliest. But when it becomes part of the family conversation, make sure you are simultaneously taking about the financials and what your family budget will be.

The earlier you make this part of the college conversation in your household, the better.

Top 25 schools offer good financial aid, terrible or generally no merit aid.

From the get-go, make sure your kid knows that finances are part of the college conversation in your household. They won't be for many around here. the worst thing possible is to spring this on a kid once they've fallen in love with a school or schools or even gotten into them.

And yes, to echo what the PP said. In 10th and 11th have your child sit there with you when you do the net price calculator for schools. That’s when it gets real. We also talked a lot about return on investment. Our kid with fomo also wants grad school and we are still having the conversations about a less expensive undergrad and saving some of the 529 money for that. Otherwise she will be paying on her own.

This is really kid dependent. I have 2 in HS and in 8th grade, we tried to minimize too much college talk only because we live in a high pressure area where some parents were already taking them to UVA visits and that’s too much pressure too soon.

My kids were different people in 8th grade to senior year, both with where they wanted to go to school and their understanding of finances. I also had a completely different understanding of the college process for the second child.

I wouldn’t talk about expensive privates now. It’s too soon. I’ve found that all the talking in the world wouldn’t stop some of the resentment of one of ours. It’s more of the FOMO of this striver area we live in.

When it comes time, don’t schedule visits to colleges you know you can’t afford.

Talk in real numbers. It’s very easy to find in Google how much in state publics cost (full cost of attendance including room and board, not just tuition)

For example, I told my kids that we would not pay for more than $60k a year. That is in state publics and some private schools with merit aid. But many schools are off the table.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that parents who say their kids can't attend a private school from the get go often have a very poor understanding of the college process. Merit and need based aid can often even out the costs between public and private options.

I'd make sure my kid was aware that his ability to get scholarships will affect his options and that you will need to consider cost in selecting which school he can afford to attend. That's probably enough info for 8th grade.

I went to an extremely expensive private school and got need based scholarships. My kids wont qualify for need based scholarships and I won't let my kid take on loans. It’s a realistic conversation.

If your kid is an attractive candidate many private schools will significantly reduce the cost of attendance for them.

I would bring it up now. I have a HS junior. I felt like we were having that conversation all along but now she still seems resentful. I'm not sure she 'got it.' Ours is a little bit more nuanced-- we are willing to pay for "wow" schools but don't want to pay big bucks for schools roughly comparable to our in state public option. So it's a harder conversation-- what constitutes "wow."

More to your issue-- kids will start thinking and talking about this stuff in ninth grade. Depending on your HS, a lot of kids will be talking about expensive schools. (Plenty will also be in families with your perspective, but they won't be talking much.). I'd make sure the kid understands the situation when he first hears those conversations so you don't need to break bad news once he has one ambition in mind.

Anonymous wrote:I find that parents who say their kids can't attend a private school from the get go often have a very poor understanding of the college process. Merit and need based aid can often even out the costs between public and private options.

I'd make sure my kid was aware that his ability to get scholarships will affect his options and that you will need to consider cost in selecting which school he can afford to attend. That's probably enough info for 8th grade.

I went to an extremely expensive private school and got need based scholarships. My kids wont qualify for need based scholarships and I won't let my kid take on loans. Its a realistic conversation.

We often talk to our kids about making good money decisions and this is a major one. We live in a neighborhood where most parents would happily pay any price for the school their kid wants. We are not those parents so it is helpful for our kids to understand our reasoning now. This both reinforces our values on how we spend money and gives them reasonable expectations. Explaining this early also allows you to get a stake in the ground before peer pressure starts to tell your kids that the only schools worth attending cost $100k/yr.

We have told our children that if they want to convince us that it is worth spending $100k/year we will listen to their reasoning and consider the return on investment. I believe there are a few, very very narrow cases where investing that amount makes sense, but neither of my kids are interested in those careers.

Our senior just applied to state schools. Our junior has decided she will apply to privates that give merit aid.

Anonymous wrote:We told our kids from middle school that we had enough money for them to go to 4 years of in-state public and they needed to work in that budget. If they can get merit aid at a private or out of state, that's fine but they will need to take loans out to cover any difference.

We generally did the same. We also strongly discouraged loans as part of larger financial literacy that we instilled in them. But I also spent a lot of time educating myself on merit aid and the entire paying for college process so we were fully informed.

I now have one in grad school and one in her junior year of college. Both ended up at in-state publics for undergrad, but both also applied to and had comparable options OOS due to merit.

Take kids to local colleges and universities to get an idea about the size and setting that interests your kid. Suggest talking about cost by middle of junior year to summer of senior year at the latest. Let them know how much you are able to contribute annually and have them do a Net Price Calculator using each schools NP calculators. You want them to know what is affordable before deciding where to apply.