Anonymous wrote:My mom died of Alzheimer's in late 2024. For perspective, many people would love to have this.

Yes, I would just like some middle ground but alas, it is not meant to be.

Anonymous wrote:They want to live with you and she is trying to show how useful she will be once they move in permanently. At least that's probably what's going on in their heads.

She will then run your house until she no longer can, then expect you to care for you as she has been "caring" for you.

I would bets there is a method to her madness.

Probably so!

My mom died of Alzheimer's in late 2024. For perspective, many people would love to have this.

They want to live with you and she is trying to show how useful she will be once they move in permanently. At least that's probably what's going on in their heads.

She will then run your house until she no longer can, then expect you to care for you as she has been "caring" for you.

I would bets there is a method to her madness.

This is OP. They moved here to be closer to us. They were originally a few hours a way. That was also challenging because they would come visit for long periods of time and not tell us when and how long they were staying. Sometimes it would stretch to months and our house is not very large. To answer a previous poster, she does not like to be tasked with things and is impatient and does not like to cook with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you decide to live only 10 minutes away it sounds you're all in on the family togetherness. Just suck it up because at any moment she's going to have an injury or illness and be out of commission.

In which case she will expect OP to wait on her hand and foot.

Surely someone 10 mins from their parents knows that going into this unique living situation.

Anonymous wrote:When you decide to live only 10 minutes away it sounds you're all in on the family togetherness. Just suck it up because at any moment she's going to have an injury or illness and be out of commission.

In which case she will expect OP to wait on her hand and foot.

When you decide to live only 10 minutes away it sounds you're all in on the family togetherness. Just suck it up because at any moment she's going to have an injury or illness and be out of commission.

Anonymous wrote:You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

Make sure her health is good and she has some hobbies. Then make the best of it.

Can she prep meals or help teach the kids to cook?

Can you identify a task or project that requires some support or that you don’t like…. Re-line kitchen shelves, vacuum clutch or dusting baseboards?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

Part Greek and Eastern European. I agree with the previous poster that I think it's her way of being part of our lives. While she is up there, my dad is bored and sits on his phone. She has always been sensitive and easy to anger so we are afraid to set her off. She is 70.

Sounds just like my Greek ILs, with the quick to anger too! There isn’t really another way around it. Either you tell her the nightly visits are too much, or you grit your teeth and deal with it for another decade or so. You’re just going to have to explain it to her, and let her be angry, but I bet she’ll come around.

I get all the posters who say it would be nice and helpful, but I bet they never had a parent coming into their space every day! You’re not trying to have her NEVER come, just set some reasonable limits!

Yes, this. I have asked them before if they can take some nights off and they get upset and storm off and say they are moving to Europe and never coming back. Then, after a week or two, things slowly go back to normal. There is no real way to have healthy boundaries as they are both very sensitive and difficult to talk to. I guess that is just the way they are and it is becoming worse as they get older. If i lock the doors, they get upset that they cant get in. They have our garage code. Basically, I have to grit my teeth and just accept this and make sure to never be like this with my own kids. I also worry about my dad going first as he is older and she causes him a lot of stress with her spending and doesn't like him socializing with other people. I hope this never happens because she wont be able to live on her own. Thanks for letting me vent here and for all of the suggestions.

UTI - I'd have her be seen by a doctor and lock the doors / turn off the lights and tell them you are leaving town or whatever excuse to break the cycle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

Part Greek and Eastern European. I agree with the previous poster that I think it's her way of being part of our lives. While she is up there, my dad is bored and sits on his phone. She has always been sensitive and easy to anger so we are afraid to set her off. She is 70.

Sounds just like my Greek ILs, with the quick to anger too! There isn’t really another way around it. Either you tell her the nightly visits are too much, or you grit your teeth and deal with it for another decade or so. You’re just going to have to explain it to her, and let her be angry, but I bet she’ll come around.

I get all the posters who say it would be nice and helpful, but I bet they never had a parent coming into their space every day! You’re not trying to have her NEVER come, just set some reasonable limits!

Schedule regular time with her, ideally at her house or doing something that is an actual visit instead of her dping chores for you. "Mom, we'd like to all come over and make dinner together on Sundays, can we? And let's make plans to see a show together. But during the week you can't come over, the kids are studying."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

+1. Is there some real housework that you can leave her to do? Dusting is quiet and could be done in other rooms. Cleaning the kitchen?

I'm guessing you both are Greek and think it's appropriate to go to your married, adult kids' houses and find excuses to spend each evening there instead of in our own homes.

No I am a wasp. I chose to live far away from my family because they are annoying. Seems like OP isn’t that interested in boundaries. If you can’t set up boundaries then you need to figure out how to manage this energy and roll with it.

Give her a different chore to do. "Mom I just made the beds but it would help me so much if you cleaned the pantry" or some other harmless task.
My mom is Polish and she does this and her mother was like that too. It stems from wanting to be needed.