Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you do for him? Does he have chores? Stop doing a bunch of things for him until he treats you better. Is he always a jerk or you see glimmers of kindness. How long has he been acting this way?

It is entirely related to the college application process. He has chores and can be very sweet. But the stress and pressure has turned him into a nightmare much of the time.

Maybe back off and give him a bit of grace?

He sounds annoying, not bad. Try not to take his behavior so personally.

i would start to create boundaries for yourself
there are other consequences besides taking a phone
no driving/car
not paying for a phone


let your son pursue his goals. it’s great he has them. he may be learning painful lessons next year if he is not being truthful about who he is grades etc. if he won’t listen then let him try and maybe fail

next year will be worse w college applications and then soiling the nest so perhaps look for ways to hold your boundaries

*being a junior... my own kid is a sophomore

Well, accusing someone of being a POS is subjective. The OP clearly doesn't want her son (fairly certain it's a son) to apply to more competitive and higher ranked colleges, going as far as threatening to "disavow financial help". Who is the jerk here? Imagine yourself being a sophomore, trying to get to the best college you can, and mom is disavowing financial help and thinking you aim too high? They never pushed for top colleges? Why, if the child is capable and wants to? "Turns out, they could be a good candidate" -- the kid is a junior, and the mom is surprised to find out her kid can get into top colleges?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you take the phone away? Honest question.

Because that's unrelated to him being a jerk and would actually harm his ability to collaborate and communicate. It's not at all germane to the problem. He's not wasting time on screens or abusing social media privileges.

I’m the one you responded to. I see your points. I’m all about natural consequences when applicable. But I actually worry that the amount of screens that these children and teens are getting in and out of school really adds up and is scrambling their brains. It’s possible that it’s too much for him, even if he’s not on it as much as his friends.

Have you sat down with him and had an honest conversation with him? Saying in a non confrontational manner, “hey, the way you talk to us is really mean sometimes. What’s going on?” And try to listen without being defensive. The more he talks, the more you may unearth. My dd talks all the time, but my ds shuts down and it takes time for him to share what’s going on. May be worth a shot.

Also make sure he’s sleeping and not playing on his phone all night. If he has it in his room “for the alarm” then you can probably assume he’s on it a lot more than you think. Get him an old school alarm and park the phone in your room at night.

I second the idea of just quietly and sincerely asking him what’s going on. He can achieve his goals without being a jerk to you. And he can release stress without taking it out on you. Ask him gently but point-blank why he thinks it’s OK to treat you that way?

Part of becoming mature is to find healthy ways to manage stress. Ask him if there are ways he can think of to help do that that don’t involve just lashing out and dumping on the safe target of his mom.

Here’s my advice:
You can be a super high achiever AND not be a POS.
You can be under a ton of stress AND learn how to manage it AND have healthy relationships.

You do seem to be upset with your kid wanting to achieve the very best. Have you explored why? On your part, I’d start there. What if the issue was your kid perceiving that you don’t understand or need to do all of the things they believe they need to do to achieve their goals?

On your kid’s front, they need to understand that how you treat people, even when you are under pressure, matters. It doesn’t matter if it’s the phone (unless they are being an ass because they are on it all night and not getting enough rest). If it’s not the phone, figure out what would be a big enough consequence for treating people inappropriately. Maybe it’s the car. Maybe it’s no spending $. Maybe it’s not folding his laundry. Maybe it’s cancelling some plans he was looking forward to. Behavior has consequences.

Now here’s my question: how does he treat others? His dad? Siblings? Friends? Teachers?

If it’s “just you”, how does your spouse respond? If it’s “just you” have you talked about that with your kid?

OK I'm going to come out and say this: lay off the kid. He's more ambitious, has more grit and higher sights than you. These are all POSITIVE character traits. Somehow this rubs you wrong. Unless he does something illegal, I'd not worry. Remember, you have Congress members lying on their applications to get faculty positions. Let him try to the schools he wants and SUPPORT him in this. Don't stand in the way. Once acceptances roll in, worry about the rest. I'm saying this as someone who has a PhD and had to listen to my mom going "you don't need this" over and over for over a decade. I needed this. I got it (and did all the steps to get there). Ruined my relationship with mom for good as she was always so unsupportive. She never saw me for me.

Sounds like a son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Like, if this is who he is under stress (that I am not imposing) I am worried he is going to become a pretty awful person, tempermentally and ethically.

OP you raised a POS.

You said you are not interested in taking his phone away.

You sound like you don't want your kid to have consequenses which is how you got into this mess. Consequences should have happened in Middle School when this started, now it is too late it is ingrained in his personality because you were too lazy to do something when it started.

Kids do not become this way in a vaccum.

Really appreciate you calling my kid a POS as you call me a bad parent. I'm not perfect, but this is kind of unecessarily cruel, don't you think?

OP there are a few people on DCUM who answer many sincere posts with total shaming, criticism and blame. Pretty much just ignore anyone who starts out this way, because even on the off chance they're not trolling (though most of them are), this person obviously likes shaming and has no real skills in really offering helpful advice. It doesn't mean that there aren't many legitimate questions about how things got to this point, because knowing more about that puts others in a better position to offer advice. But this kind of reply right out the gate is unwarranted, mean, unproductive, and pretty much pure trolling. Ignore it.

PP needs to stop obsessing with the phone. That's not the issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you take the phone away? Honest question.

Because that's unrelated to him being a jerk and would actually harm his ability to collaborate and communicate. It's not at all germane to the problem. He's not wasting time on screens or abusing social media privileges.

I’m the one you responded to. I see your points. I’m all about natural consequences when applicable. But I actually worry that the amount of screens that these children and teens are getting in and out of school really adds up and is scrambling their brains. It’s possible that it’s too much for him, even if he’s not on it as much as his friends.

Have you sat down with him and had an honest conversation with him? Saying in a non confrontational manner, “hey, the way you talk to us is really mean sometimes. What’s going on?” And try to listen without being defensive. The more he talks, the more you may unearth. My dd talks all the time, but my ds shuts down and it takes time for him to share what’s going on. May be worth a shot.

Also make sure he’s sleeping and not playing on his phone all night. If he has it in his room “for the alarm” then you can probably assume he’s on it a lot more than you think. Get him an old school alarm and park the phone in your room at night.

Anonymous wrote:How much do you do for him? Does he have chores? Stop doing a bunch of things for him until he treats you better. Is he always a jerk or you see glimmers of kindness. How long has he been acting this way?

It is entirely related to the college application process. He has chores and can be very sweet. But the stress and pressure has turned him into a nightmare much of the time.

This sounds like a weird humble brag

How much do you do for him? Does he have chores? Stop doing a bunch of things for him until he treats you better. Is he always a jerk or you see glimmers of kindness. How long has he been acting this way?

Just keep holding the line. He obviously has a really intense personality. He’s not going to stay an arrogant 16 yo prick forever. Most likely he will turn the corner in the next few years. Or become an Elon or Bill Gates.