I saw a little bit of my last relationship in this post. I was dating a guy who had some issues, including inattentive ADD and some minor hoarding. In my case, I stayed in part because I'm concerned that his issues stem from grief over his mother's death. I also worried that I was an important social outlet for him and he didn't have many. Ultimately it wasn't enough and I dumped him. Your friend may have complex reasons for sticking around. She may also be codependent. Either way, if you don't want him showing up, you probably need to stop inviting her.

Wow, there is zero logic to what your friend is doing w/her life now.

Sounds to me like she is equating great sex = great relationship yet nothing could be further from the truth!

As a good friend you may be better off by stepping back a little during this time while hoping that she comes to her senses really soon.

Have you talked to her about your opinion on this??
Some people in her position may get really offended if a friend tries to talk to them about their true feelings for their romantic partners.

Good luck!

Haven’t you met people who claim not to like someone much but likely more by actions than let on?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole situation makes me sick. So many red flags (he has kids who all have very serious issues). I didn’t want him in my house or to know where I lived!

That's just genetics, OP. Your friend's kid can't catch ADHD or autism! But your friend needs to be careful about any boyfriend she brings home, regarding pedophilia. It has nothing to do with the ADHD/autism thing, it's just an added worry.

Like, the kids pee on things in the house.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The whole situation makes me sick. So many red flags (he has kids who all have very serious issues). I didn’t want him in my house or to know where I lived!

That's just genetics, OP. Your friend's kid can't catch ADHD or autism! But your friend needs to be careful about any boyfriend she brings home, regarding pedophilia. It has nothing to do with the ADHD/autism thing, it's just an added worry.

OP here. The whole situation makes me sick. So many red flags (he has kids who all have very serious issues). I didn’t want him in my house or to know where I lived!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing she has low self esteem, which is a prime target for controlling an abusive men. The having her pay for everything? Coming along to ladies only nights? Showing up everywhere with her? These are all red flags. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing a mix of love bombing and convincing her she can't do any better than him.

Is there anything I can do???

16:24 has good advice. Other than that, you should reiterate that her child should not be alone with any of her boyfriends.

Ugh I didn’t think of that. I know she leaves them alone together, and leaves him alone at the house.

No no no. This is not good. You should observe and call CPS if need be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing she has low self esteem, which is a prime target for controlling an abusive men. The having her pay for everything? Coming along to ladies only nights? Showing up everywhere with her? These are all red flags. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing a mix of love bombing and convincing her she can't do any better than him.

Is there anything I can do???

16:24 has good advice. Other than that, you should reiterate that her child should not be alone with any of her boyfriends.

Ugh I didn’t think of that. I know she leaves them alone together, and leaves him alone at the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing she has low self esteem, which is a prime target for controlling an abusive men. The having her pay for everything? Coming along to ladies only nights? Showing up everywhere with her? These are all red flags. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing a mix of love bombing and convincing her she can't do any better than him.

Is there anything I can do???

Just be there for her. I was in a bad relationship when I was 20-22. Love bombed, gas lit, talked down to, etc. I absolutely had self esteem issues which led to why I felt so trapped by him. Telling her she can do better, telling her he's not a good guy etc will fall on deaf ears. Keep trying to get her to do things solo. Be a sounding board for her. Protect her kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing she has low self esteem, which is a prime target for controlling an abusive men. The having her pay for everything? Coming along to ladies only nights? Showing up everywhere with her? These are all red flags. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing a mix of love bombing and convincing her she can't do any better than him.

Is there anything I can do???

16:24 has good advice. Other than that, you should reiterate that her child should not be alone with any of her boyfriends.

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing she has low self esteem, which is a prime target for controlling an abusive men. The having her pay for everything? Coming along to ladies only nights? Showing up everywhere with her? These are all red flags. I wouldn't be surprised if he's doing a mix of love bombing and convincing her she can't do any better than him.

Is there anything I can do???

Anonymous wrote:Advise her to drop him or get him a job and ADHD meds if she wants to keep him. May be she is lonely and overwhelmed with job, home and parenting and just wants a partner, any partner?

She has told him herself that he needs to change (help her, clean his own house, etc) and he said he not going to change. I actually give him credit for owning up to himself.

He’s not a partner to her…he’s a drag. But he’s company. He’s not even cute hahahah.

Anonymous wrote:SHE's the one with issues, OP. It's going to be difficult to be her friend, because SHE keeps making bad judgements.

Tell her he's going to weigh her down with his issues; and that you don't want her to bring him to your house without warning, because last time you were in your PJs.

TBH, the worst of her bad judgement calls is spilling out to you all the things she doesn’t like about him because she obviously does like him enough to keep seeing him and giving him increasingly more significance in her life.
If you say anything at all (and I’m not saying you should)—it should be to caution her that you feel a little awkward about hearing all the negative thoughts about how she feels about him because it makes it more difficult for you to loser him in a positive light, and the more serious they get, you really want to like him and show support.

Stating it like this will show her the misalignment of her words and actions without making you look critical of him. And this will preserve the friendship.

It does not appear that she is going to stop seeing him, so you need to stop allowing her to use you as a sounding board for her negativity IF she wants you to support the relationship.

Just tell her you want to spend time only with her.

You aren't her mother, even if you were, there isn't much you can do so hold your peace and manage your boundaries.