Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: the cold feet I am getting is because of so many things primarily the feeling of being alone at my age (50) and can’t even fathom starting life all over again while he frolicks around with his young AP and the substantial pay raise … wish he would have some remorse… wish he would have thought if his kids..

Then get a good settlement (including alimony) and life your best life. Why do you want to be with someone who is oils treat you this way?

I don’t miss my ex in his current form, but I miss him in the narrow window when things were good.

When I am near him my skin crawls and I feel great pity for him for a variety of reasons.

I'm divorcing due to infidelity and I'm not getting a good settlement. The court doesn't GAF about infidelity. It's also astonishing to me that his lies get past the judge. It's sociopathic. His lawyer has said many many times "our offer to her is NOTHING". And that's what they intend to do. But I'm still happier than when I had to live with him. But let's dispel the myth of the good settlement. The other party has to be somewhat amenable to it and if they aren't then the lawyers get all the money. (He chose to litigate, I requested mediation. The lawyers are having a great time!)

We divorced because of his infidelity; I was blindsided and took it hard. After I healed, I reconnected with friend, and it turned into love. We got married and have children and my life is infinitely better.
He married his affair partner. They are now divorcing because, you guessed it, he cheated again. Karma.
It was so hard at the time but I threw myself into work and spent time with friends. I discovered hobbies and enjoyed spending time alone (things I hadn't before the split.)
Good luck- you deserve better.

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

you deserve better. good luck to you!

Anonymous wrote:OP again: the cold feet I am getting is because of so many things primarily the feeling of being alone at my age (50) and can’t even fathom starting life all over again while he frolicks around with his young AP and the substantial pay raise … wish he would have some remorse… wish he would have thought if his kids..

If he had been a decent person he wouldn’t have had an affair to start with. Don’t mourn for the unworthy. His AP can play nursemaid to him when he ages. Focus on getting a fair settlement for yourself and your kids, and don’t neglect your physical and mental health right now.

I had hard evidence, so no second guessing. He was an insane gaslighter to me and lovebomber to his AP. He actually did end things with her initially and then I found all the messages he sent her to lure her back in behind my back. He dropped off presents at her house for her birthday when I had just taken him on a weekend trip to try to reconnect and "work on our relationship".

I tried for a year to reconcile after the first time and left after I caught him lying to me again. I could not ever trust him again.

I don't regret the divorce, but I do regret some of my own faults and flaws that contributed to the decline in my marriage. I regret marrying young and for being naive and not doing any therapy to address a crappy upbringing.

I actually enjoy 50/50 parenting. I was completely burnt out and exhausted during my marriage and now I actually get a break and time for myself.

It's lonely sometimes, but I am reconnecting with friends and finding time for new and rekindled hobbies. I love owning and controlling my own house. There is no resentment over division of household labor and I decorate it however I want. I make plenty of money and I was lucky to not have financial barriers to divorce.

I am taking at least a year to work on my mental and physical health. I'm not dating. I need the time to myself before I am in any place to be a good partner to anyone else, but someday, if I am lucky, maybe I will have love and companionship again.

Anonymous wrote:OP again: the cold feet I am getting is because of so many things primarily the feeling of being alone at my age (50) and can’t even fathom starting life all over again while he frolicks around with his young AP and the substantial pay raise … wish he would have some remorse… wish he would have thought if his kids..

You are 50, not 80. Plenty of life left to be lived and no reason to sit around focused on what he is doing when you can build a great life post-him for yourself. I am PP who divorced at 41. It was devastating at the time, but life twirls on. You willing to let it pass you by because your husband cheated?

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

No. Yes. 55 (was 41 when we divorced). Divorcing was right for me, doesn't make it right for everyone.

Have never regretted it. I had hard evidence, and I gave him a chance to redeem himself in therapy, but it became very clear that he was lying in therapy, had no real understanding of the impact of his actions on others and little capacity or interest in change. So, I was able to stop falling for his gaslighting and kick him out. That allowed me to move forward without any regret in the sense of wondering if I had done something different maybe we would have come through it.

I have never looked back and wished I hadn’t kicked him out - not for myself and not for my kids. Not when I was alone (i.e. not in another relationship), not when I feared only seeing the kids 50% (of course, he did not want any custody), not when the kids were sad at not having a present dad (he wasn’t present when we were together), and not when I endured financial hardship (his character as revealed by the infidelity ensured that it was also a financial risk to stay together), and especially not when they were older and became entangled in their own abusive relationships (when I could authentically say to them no relationship is worth enduring abuse).

Both kids are wonderful, each has lasting scars from their dad, but they have grown beyond that.

The regret picking him for a father, not vetting my relationships hall of them prior to kids) more explicitly for marriage, household and parenting compatibility (beyond just the guy’s claims). But, OFC, I don’t regret having my kids.

I also regret not moving more quickly after our split to parallel parenting, not sticking strictly to custody terms and not providing him so much flexibility, not grey-rocking and just generally treating him like a rational person who wanted to be a good parent but didn’t know how for a variety of reasons.

I also regret not pushing for more equitable financial responsibility on medical, extra-curricular, and college. I wish I had taken him to court when he paid less than was fair. I thought settling things amicably between us would be easier, but in the end it just made me more vulnerable in a variety of ways.

But, I will never regret dumping him - best thing I did for myself and the kids.n

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

Brutal to stay under those conditions. Best wishes for a speedy divorce.

Rebuild with friends and hobbies and doing things you love in the meantime

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again: the cold feet I am getting is because of so many things primarily the feeling of being alone at my age (50) and can’t even fathom starting life all over again while he frolicks around with his young AP and the substantial pay raise … wish he would have some remorse… wish he would have thought if his kids..

Then get a good settlement (including alimony) and life your best life. Why do you want to be with someone who is oils treat you this way?

I don’t miss my ex in his current form, but I miss him in the narrow window when things were good.

When I am near him my skin crawls and I feel great pity for him for a variety of reasons.

I don’t miss the person who lied and cheated but living alone would be so hard.. wish we could just mage two different parts of the house or something

Anonymous wrote:51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

Sorry . Do the kids know?

51 M who didn’t leave and stayed for the kids. The years I have invested with the kids have been great, but I regret every minute of the marriage. I am not an ahole or addict, just a guy who apparently became too safe for a SAHM to stay faithful. I wish I had left before and am filing early next year.

Hopefully, I can find someone who can love me after ~20 years of loneliness and now having a STD from my kids Dear Mom. I will never get my life back, but maybe I can build a new one before I die. If not, at least I will no longer dread coming home.

Anonymous wrote:OP again: the cold feet I am getting is because of so many things primarily the feeling of being alone at my age (50) and can’t even fathom starting life all over again while he frolicks around with his young AP and the substantial pay raise … wish he would have some remorse… wish he would have thought if his kids..

Then get a good settlement (including alimony) and life your best life. Why do you want to be with someone who is oils treat you this way?

I don’t miss my ex in his current form, but I miss him in the narrow window when things were good.

When I am near him my skin crawls and I feel great pity for him for a variety of reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret it? Are you happy/at peace? What’s your age? I am in the process and feeling so stressed out. Should I have pulled a Hilary Clinton? All thoughts coming to mind that I cannot live with

Don’t torture yourself. You made the right decision. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you and fills you with anxiety?

because people are imperfect and it might be better than living alone? not saying i would personally do it, but rigidity of this board is something...

OP again: the cold feet I am getting is because of so many things primarily the feeling of being alone at my age (50) and can’t even fathom starting life all over again while he frolicks around with his young AP and the substantial pay raise … wish he would have some remorse… wish he would have thought if his kids..