Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 10:07     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:It's been a tough 48 hours in our house as DD deals with ED disappointment. It is made worse that her classmate who is known to cheat got in. Trying to explain that cheaters sometimes do win really stings.


That does sting. Sometimes it just sucks.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:59     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Deferral at our house too. ☹️
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:57     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:It always feels like this in December. In March, the ED kids will be having their regrets. It’s always a little bit hard to be attending someone else’s birthday party, even when you know yours just happened and/or is coming.


It is?? You can have cake at someone else's party and eat it too. Goody bags. Fun activities. Pizza and other foods. Why is it hard?
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:52     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:Last year- my kid rejected ED. Deferred ED2. Deferred at 2 of his top EA schools. Got into great schools in RD and ended up with 2 amazing final options- is thriving at one of those (ED2 deferral school). It’s a slog but stick with it!


I love this so much! And . . . I can only imagine how hard that slog was for your DC and therefore you. We're only at step one of that process and imagining the rest literally makes me want to cry.

Huge congrats to them and to you for making it through. As I said above, that's where resilence is forged. It's the powerful consolation prize that we no one would ever wish for.

I'm so happy your DC is thriving!! As we make our way through the next three months of EA results and then more waiting for RD, I'll keep your story in mind. Thanks so much for your encouragement. DCUM at it's best!
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:48     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
It always feels like this in December. In March, the ED kids will be having their regrets. It’s always a little bit hard to be attending someone else’s birthday party, even when you know yours just happened and/or is coming.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:45     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Unfortunately this is something you have to get used to. Applying to jobs also involves a lot of rejection.

Back in the day I had a very good friend who was deferred from U Penn ED and got in RD. Your kid still has RD and there are lots of good schools. As someone who went to a top 10 school, I now work with people who went to all sorts of colleges. Your life path isn't decided by your grades and test scores at 16.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:41     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's been a tough 48 hours in our house as DD deals with ED disappointment. It is made worse that her classmate who is known to cheat got in. Trying to explain that cheaters sometimes do win really stings.


This happened to my daughter last year. Deferred by Swarthmore and a known cheater (athlete) was admitted. It’s a tough life lesson.


Yep.

DC's class cheater got in to Stanford. If there were a Senior Superlative for "Most Likely to Be Indicted for Fraud," his classmates would choose him in a landslide.

In our family, the lesson has always been that the world includes ALL types. Every community reflects that, including selective and non-selective colleges, federal, state, and local government, admired philanthroposts and clergy, school districts, doctors etc. You name it, and there's a full range of humanity included within - the best, the worst, and everything in between.

All you can do is play your own game. Know your values and live in alignment with them. Appreciate the comfort and security that come from having nothing to hide.

Finally, as my husband's great aunt often said, "It's nice to be nice. The view from the high road is often the most beautiful."
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:37     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Choose a school your child will be happy at, not the ratings.


Was there something in the original post that told you this kid did something different from this?


If ratings were different the kid would be in.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:36     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Last year- my kid rejected ED. Deferred ED2. Deferred at 2 of his top EA schools. Got into great schools in RD and ended up with 2 amazing final options- is thriving at one of those (ED2 deferral school). It’s a slog but stick with it!
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:30     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
The cheating thing is real and it hurts. I am sorry this is hurting the honest kids. I agree, no one forgets. It’s a habit that students find hard to break, the more they do it, the worse it gets and then they act surprised when it finally catches up to them.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:21     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's been a tough 48 hours in our house as DD deals with ED disappointment. It is made worse that her classmate who is known to cheat got in. Trying to explain that cheaters sometimes do win really stings.


This happened to my daughter last year. Deferred by Swarthmore and a known cheater (athlete) was admitted. It’s a tough life lesson.


The cheating thing sucks. I keep telling my kids that no one forgets who the cheaters are and they’ll still remember 20 years from now when they’re deciding who to retain as a lawyer, invest money with, recommend for a job.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:12     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:It's been a tough 48 hours in our house as DD deals with ED disappointment. It is made worse that her classmate who is known to cheat got in. Trying to explain that cheaters sometimes do win really stings.


We have also been dealing with this at our school! Unnerving, and sad for the kids who lose out on selective admissions by a hair.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:10     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Many of DC's classmates got in top schools.


It does seem better than the 2021-22 cycle when my older dc applied. Much better. But half the spots will be filled in RD, don’t despair.


Other than UVA, where no boys were admitted from our school in spite of having higher stats than several of the girls admitted, this cycle seems about on track for 2020-2025.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 09:02     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:It's been a tough 48 hours in our house as DD deals with ED disappointment. It is made worse that her classmate who is known to cheat got in. Trying to explain that cheaters sometimes do win really stings.


This happened to my daughter last year. Deferred by Swarthmore and a known cheater (athlete) was admitted. It’s a tough life lesson.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2025 07:42     Subject: Feeling so defeated after deferral. This is a good year for ED.
Anonymous wrote:It’s hard. And it’ll hurt for awhile. Unless you have some good EA acceptances coming in, it’s a long road until you hear RD.

Resilience is born during these months of disappointed waiting. Yes, there may be multiple waves of the defeatist feelings like you describe. Ride them out gently each time while noticing all the good stuff that comes with senior year, too.

No feeling lasts forever. Noticing and learning that we can survive our strongly uncomfortable feelings is a superpower.

Allow yourself to feel deeply sad, disappointed, envious, despondent, and uncertain/worried/anxious or whatever else comes up. And notice all the other feelings, too - love, awe, gratitude, excitement, calm, joy etc.

The feelings all come and go. Throughout it all and after, you and your DC will be just fine. Notice and appreciate that, too. It may hurt, but those feelings will eventually pass, too. We can handle hard things. Resilience. 💗


Love this post - good for the grownups, too!