Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

I had to wait until the divorce was “his idea”, otherwise he’d torture me.

Anonymous wrote:I left, under the guise of staying at a girlfriend’s for a couple of days. (This involved international travel - I had to get out as I did not have residency or the right to work and was essentially trapped.) I told him when I got where I was going, back in our home country.

Did you have kids?

OP here.

Someone previously asked if I do things to make my husband mad, but it looks like the comment was removed.

If that person is still lurking.. no. I'm not.. I'm just someone who wants a partner for me and and a father for our kids.

Problem is that he grew up watching his dad he abusive to his mother. Extreme rage, outbursts, verbal and emotional abuse.

My fault in all of this is not connecting the dots sooner. Now I'm looking ahead for a hopeful brighter future for me and my kids.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is no joke. Get couples counseling

Terrible advice. There’s no rehabilitation for abuse - do NOT go to couples counseling with an abuser OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a bigger male friend with you if you ever have to go back to house or when moving out (ie when spouse is at work or in a biz trip)

Unfortunately when I was a clerk my judge had a trial where a guy stabbed his girlfriend whole she was moving out even with friends present. It just happened really fast. I have absolutely no clue why this guy didn't take the plea, it was the fastest guilty verdict I have ever seen.

I had my firefighter friend come each time

You need to meet with a DV org and do safety planning to make sure you plan everything in a safe way. Please.

The most dangerous time for a victim of DV is when they leave. Safety planning is so important.

- DV Advocate

OP here.

Thank you to the replies.

I have read a few times before not to try couples counseling.

For years I was pleading to do it but he always refused and made some excuse. Now I'm thankful that he always rejected the idea. Because it could have made things worse.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Nope. No therapy with abusers. They just weaponize what you say in therapy. Bad advice that could actually endanger OP and her children's lives.

I showed him her texts and said "get out of jail free card"

He moved to the guest room.

Do not go to therapy with someone who is an emotional/verbal abuser.
Make a plan to get out with the kids. But you must get all important documents first. Passports, social security cards, bank account information, birth certificates. Go see a few lawyers in the next month.
If you are married to an emotional/verbal abuser, he may ramp up his abuse, especially if he does not know this is coming. Mine certainly did. I called the national dv hotline to talk. They can also point you to resources in your area. Good luck.
Depending on how old kids are and how much they know, get them into play therapy.

Divorce is no joke. Get couples counseling

Anonymous wrote:Have a bigger male friend with you if you ever have to go back to house or when moving out (ie when spouse is at work or in a biz trip)

Unfortunately when I was a clerk my judge had a trial where a guy stabbed his girlfriend whole she was moving out even with friends present. It just happened really fast. I have absolutely no clue why this guy didn't take the plea, it was the fastest guilty verdict I have ever seen.

No joint therapy with a verbal and emotional abuser.

I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.