You said you model donating money. Have you had her go shopping with your money for a cause like a food or coat drive? I take my kids and let them pick stuff out and talk through it. They choose which cereal or canned goods or gloves to donate and we talk about how some families can't afford it.

I also think budgeting in general is important, saving for specific things, you can have this or this with your money but not both, etc. If plenty of stuff just shows up, it's easy to become entitled.

Different kids are different. One kid picked this up quickly on their own. The other needed more scaffolding and finally got it, but at an older age.

When my kids come home from school I ask them who they were kind to today and what they did to help someone today. I don't know how well it is working but the idea is to let them know that being kind others and helping others is important.

Thanks all for the responses. We talk about thorns/roses at dinner; we've removed toys from her room when she's misbehaving and she has to earn them back; we do thank you notes; enforced consequences, etc, etc.

I appreciate the insight from the poster that mentioned the risk of her becoming more selfish as she links it with negative experiences.

Lots of noise here but let me try to cut through all of the extra:

- kids learn from modeling our (parents/community) behavior, not by being told what to do

- you run a very real risk of making her even more selfish if you psychologically link negative experiences with the concepts of charity and empathy

You need to back off from the heavy handed tactics and instead demonstrate your family values over the long term through action. Then you just hope for the best and realize that kids can explore different values in teenage years just to end up returning to their core experiences as an adult as they mature. Your job is to plant the seed and then hope for the best.

The basics: Thank you notes when receiving a gift. Daily or weekly age-appropriate chores. Taking turns and learning to be patient, like not always first to play a board game or pick the movie for family to watch. Helping for the sake of helping, not to get an allowance or something they want. Each night she names three things she is thankful for before bed. Make gratitude and empathy something you discuss and demonstrate each day.

Generosity can be taught well with physical things: taking $5 out of their piggy bank, choosing a few items at the store and dropping them at the food bank. Shoveling the neighbor's walkway.

Empathy can be taught by talking. "Your classmate Larlo needs a little extra care and that is why he has an aide in the classroom. How nice he has so much support" "Your sister missed the party because she is sick; let's make her a get well card to lift her spirits." "Your friend was sad because she was left out of the game; your feelings would be hurt too. Why don't you go ask her to play with you?"

Appreciation can be taught by example and pointing out the kindness "Thank you, Larla, for setting the table. That saved me so much time and I appreciate it." "That was so nice of the man at the store to let us go ahead of him in line, wasn't it?" "I appreciate our neighbor bringing in the garbage can while we were away so let's bake him cookies to say thank you."

Those things don’t teach. They are putting on a show.