We had a similar event recently and let our 15 year old DS stay home. He’s pretty shy and socially awkward and we didn’t feel like pushing it this time. His 13 year old sister was at a friend’s birthday party and his 11 year old sister was excited to go. We knew there would be a lot of her aged friends there and there were. I thought there would be at least a few my son’s age and there were maybe 4. One had his girlfriend there (both sets of parents were invited so he didn’t bring a “date”) and two of the boys he knew left fairly quickly.

While the two boys were there, I regretted not making him attend, but when they left I was glad I let him stay home. It would have been awkward and not enjoyable to be the third wheel or to hang out with the younger kids.

Say it's a couple times a year. 2x/year for a couple hours -- I care zero about a teen's comfort and would have the expectation that they would make the best of it.

Anonymous wrote:NO teen wants to be forced to a party with kids they don't know. You are weird OP.

+1. These are awful for any teens except the outgoing ones who, unfortunately, lack social skills. They are the ones who going around talking to everyone. There is one in my family, my niece, like that and I love her dearly but even she can’t do these anymore at 14. She was fine up until 13 because she cluelessly could not take social cues to back off.

My kids and other niece and nephews would find these deadly. We left them home from neighborhood parties when they were old enough to not need a babysitter. Our friends are not their friends.

Did all the other kids know each other? Did your kid know the other kids in the same way? The fact that they were similar ages and had similar interests (maybe, it sounds like you are using "nerdy interests" extremely broadly) is not going to overcome a situation where the other kids are friends and your son has never met them before, or the other kids go to school together and your son goes to another school, or the other kids are all super into video games but your kid mostly like manga.

This would be like if my husband brought me to a party where he knew all the men and I didn't know any of the women at all, but he was like "oh you guys have similar interests" because he just things all women like vaguely the same things, and then we got there and he totally abandons me and to go hang with the men and it turns out the women ALL know each other and are super into baking and knitting when I love tennis and my job and I have to make awkward small talk with them for hours. And they don't even want to get to know because they are like "why is this lady even here?"

I could do it, because I'm a 45 year old woman and know how to survive something like that, not a 15 year old. But I would be super annoyed with my DH and would definitely let him know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My extroverted DD could make friends with a rock. She would have no issues. My introverted DS would be overwhelmed and would shut down.

Same. And I wouldn’t have made my DS go to the party. Certain events are mandatory and require one to be polite. I would let something like this slide.

This. I give my kids info on who will be there, what to expect, how long we intend to stay, etc. then, if it's not a mandatory kind of thing, give them the option of coming. If it's mandatory, I stick to the plan I previewed.

I was very shy as a teen but my outgoing parents made me go to all kids of random events. It was awful; never want my kids to feel that awkward.

Honestly, I think that this is a life skill and I would expect my kids to make the most of it and at least try to socialize. Of course, if my kid had known anxiety issues or similar, I would approach it differently.

My kids could both do it, but they probably would prefer to stay home.

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, OP, I struggle with this as an adult. I hate being dragged to spouse's holiday parties where I know nobody and it's all small talk and standing around awkwardly.

That is a really tough environment and I don't blame him for feeling uncomfortable. Unless the teen is super extroverted, it's not going to be fun.

I don’t even want to go to my company’s holiday party! Husband invited me to his… I looked at him with a sideways glance (really? We’ve been married 20 years and you should know…), and he’s like “yeah… I don’t think I’ll even go…”

Just because my kid can doesn’t mean your kids should.

It’s odd to me that you’re blaming this on your son instead of the kids that were just playing video games or possibly ignoring him.

Anonymous wrote:I still have a terrible time at parties. I'll engage a lot now, fake it, but I hate every minute and just am so glad to be done and home at the end.

Same!

It's impossible to say if this was your kid's doing or other kids. Sometimes people don't just click, you know? I met a friend recently with a son about my DS's age I hadn't seen in 10 years and our sons just hung out no problem having never met before (surprised both of us moms).

Mine is 13 and if a sport was involved she would he all in. Like if we got there and kids were shooting hoops she would integrate.
If she got there and groups were already grouped off and chatting or watching video games she would struggle to interact unless another kid pulled her in.

Yes, would have been fine but I have been pushing independence, resilience, and social skills hard from a young age.

Anonymous wrote:That's not an age where you can just put "kids " together to play. It sounds like these were kids of your friends, not people here had anything in common with. I wouldn't like it either.

I agree, because this doesn't know the other kids. I'd either leave him home or go, but not stay for a long time. This would be completely different if it were cousins or close family friends.

That's not an age where you can just put "kids " together to play. It sounds like these were kids of your friends, not people here had anything in common with. I wouldn't like it either.