Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation.

What do you mean by a lack of male leadership? I'm genuinely asking (have been a single mom for the past seven years, my ex is basically a nice guy to my son but lives quite far and so involvement is necessarily not that much).

Op here. Re lack of male leadership or role model - again, this is just my opinion and the situation in my immediate household. I am not a single mom - my husband is a nice guy and around and lives in the same household - but he is completely not involved with DS and has very little desire to do anything or go anywhere with him. He doesn’t have meaningful discussions with him about anything. He doesn’t take him out to play soccer, jog, go for a bike ride, throw a football, walk the dog, camp, go fishing, or do the other typical Dad things I see neighborhood dads doing with their sons. He hasn’t talked to him about puberty or related. When I ask him to have a father/son talk about puberty he says “I learned about puberty from stealing my dad’s playboys and so can DS.” DS used to talk to me but now I can tell he isn’t comfortable always confiding in me anymore. He wishes he had an older brother he said. The times DH has gone to appointments with DS he sugarcoats the problems which is counterproductive. When I wanted to have DS repeat a grade to catch up maturity wise, DH pushed back and got DS against the idea.

In some ways being a single parent I’d almost easier than having a spouse who is disinterested or counter productive.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem so focused on repeating a grade as the magic solution that if only your DH agreed would have solved everything. The data shows that merely repeating a grade doesn’t solve problems for SN kids.

For bright kids, and for ADHD, repeating a grade could be detrimental. ADHD kids are motivated by interest, challenge, novelty and urgency. Can you imagine how boring it would be to repeat a grade?

For SN kids, it’s better to support with explicit instruction, and in ADHD that would be something like (in addition to medication) executive function coach (not you) social skills instruction, self-advocacy support, whatever is appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of this is not out of the ordinary but from what I see with my kids and friends’ kids, your son’s behavior is on the extreme end. I think it’s good that you’re taking him to a doctor.

For perspective, what you’re seeing is in line with the onset of my son’s bipolar disorder. Not saying your son has bipolar, just that he seems beyond the bounds of ordinary teen behavior.

Op here. Thank you and yes I have been concerned about bipolar for a while now. We don’t have a family history of it, but the signs seem to be there. I appreciate the validation. It’s been on my radar for a while, but the psychiatrists have said they don’t diagnose bipolar in minors.

Anonymous wrote:Not to dismiss your concerns, but I've not yet a parent of a 14/15 year old dealing with the same stuff. I'm sure they are out there, but I don't know anyone with a motivated 15 year old that's pleasant.

Anonymous wrote:

There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation.

What do you mean by a lack of male leadership? I'm genuinely asking (have been a single mom for the past seven years, my ex is basically a nice guy to my son but lives quite far and so involvement is necessarily not that much).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of this is not out of the ordinary but from what I see with my kids and friends’ kids, your son’s behavior is on the extreme end. I think it’s good that you’re taking him to a doctor.

For perspective, what you’re seeing is in line with the onset of my son’s bipolar disorder. Not saying your son has bipolar, just that he seems beyond the bounds of ordinary teen behavior.

Op here. Thank you and yes I have been concerned about bipolar for a while now. We don’t have a family history of it, but the signs seem to be there. I appreciate the validation. It’s been on my radar for a while, but the psychiatrists have said they don’t diagnose bipolar in minors.

A few thoughts. My son has ADHD and anxiety, and is a year older (a junior). He also refused to meaningfully participate in any therapy, so I stopped sending him (which he agreed with), because it was a waste of everyone's time, money, and effort. He is willing to see a psychiatrist 4xs per year for ADHD meds, so that is good at least.
It is also normal for kids to quit activities they formally liked (my son quit travel soccer and band) as their personalities changed, but not being involved in anything at all is a non-starter, because this is how kids with disabilities manage to make and keep social connections. My son got involved in a technology and computer science club at school, and picked up a volunteer activity. Is there something else your son would we willing to try?


Op here. I think our sons are twins! I am going to try to get him involved with something. Anything! It’s been a struggle. How did you convince your DS?

Anonymous wrote:That longer post above sounds like valuable information. I would try family therapy where he won’t feel so much like the one with the problem and I’d require him to go and be polite or I’d take his phone and give him a flip phone. Depression sounds like it is making him irritable and making him lose interest in things.

I would also take him now on a college tour to a school that would be a safety school in your mind. Let him see what he is working for. He needs hope. Do you know a current college student who could talk positively to him about how it’s worth working for?

At the same time, I’d start communicating about the other ways to be busy after high school, like a gap year, community college, vocational education, or whatever. Remember that a kid with ADHD has a less mature brain. He might be ready for college later than others. Not every kid goes the traditional four year college route.

My sister died after a bad report card, and in the note she left she said she knew she wouldn’t get into college. This was not true, and there was little college pressure 50 years ago compared to now, but they hear it from other kids.

First, treat the depression, get a drug test just in case, and do family therapy. His siblings need a chance to be heard, too.

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts. My son has ADHD and anxiety, and is a year older (a junior). He also refused to meaningfully participate in any therapy, so I stopped sending him (which he agreed with), because it was a waste of everyone's time, money, and effort. He is willing to see a psychiatrist 4xs per year for ADHD meds, so that is good at least.
It is also normal for kids to quit activities they formally liked (my son quit travel soccer and band) as their personalities changed, but not being involved in anything at all is a non-starter, because this is how kids with disabilities manage to make and keep social connections. My son got involved in a technology and computer science club at school, and picked up a volunteer activity. Is there something else your son would we willing to try?

There’s constant conflict in our household and it’s also affecting my marriage. I am extremely upset and frustrated with my husband for being a poor male role model and for his lack of male leadership in this situation.