Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 20:12     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When’s the last time you told her that you’re proud of something she’s done? What was it?


I'm 49 and can't recall my parents ever saying they're proud of me. To be fair, I'm not particularly impressive. But not every parent talks that way.


That’s pretty sad, my husbands parents don’t tell him they’re proud of him either, and it’s really hard on him. My parents tell me they’re proud of me regularly though, and our relationship is a lot stronger and more positive.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 20:11     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Is it because she is seeing future inequality between herself and her partner now because he isn't a broke student anymore who needed her financial, emotional, physical and logistical support? Is she afraid of losing him? Many medical students change after school.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 20:06     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.

I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”

Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.

She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.

We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)

I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.

I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar



Well, she can still take classes at community college and earn an associate degree to see if she can get higher education. To be fair, lots of college educated earn as much as she already does. Once her partner starts earning residency pay, their household income would go up but you may need to subsidize a bit for few years until he becomes an attending. A few more years if he goes for fellowship. Good news is that you don't need to leave her an inheritance. They'll be good on their own. For now she is pretty much supporting both of them.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 19:52     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
It sounds like your daughter is actually content and happy with where she is at in life but it seems like she is seeking you alls approval and assurance and you aren’t giving it. She followed a path that was not typical and not making as much as others but she has a job, has her health together and in a stable relationship. Find it in your heart to let her know that she is doing great. She needs it.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 19:45     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:Yes to the tell her the job and salary aren't measure of anyone. Tell her she's worthy and valuable and smart and the best daughter you could ask for. Tell her she's enough, more than enough. Maybe write her a letter praising her on who she is as a person so she can see it when she lacks confidence; or you could write a letter to each other. I also believe (even irregular) volunteer work can give people a sense of worth and find their passions in life, whether it's caring for animals, theatre. or something else.


+1
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 19:34     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
It’s hard to step outside of your own perspective. But you should believe these other posters who say that your adult daughter is not objectively a disappointment. It’s all in how you look at it. I know because I am that grown daughter 20 years later, sort of. I am very successful in my low-paying field and appreciated a lot in my community, so much that my friends don’t believe me when I tell them that I’m actually considered pretty much a slacker by my own (very accomplished) family.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 19:18     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My 34 year old daughter has struggled with self confidence issues for much of her life. She never finished college due to struggles with depression, anxiety and what I suspect was misuse of one of her medications. Her father and I likely had some part to play in her early failures as I suspect we were both in some denial. She was a mostly B student at a difficult college prep school, yet failed almost all of her college courses.

I recall her coming to use in high school claiming that she wasn’t ready for college, but we both just brushed it aside and felt she was being “difficult.”

Now, here we are all these years later and while she is employed, she only makes $52,000 a year and has never fully reached her potential in life.

She came to my husband the other week and expressed to him how much guilt she holds over her failures and not living up to our expectations.

We still help her pay for things as I don’t think she could support herself without some assistance. She lives with her partner, who recently graduated from med school and prior to that was living in an apartment that she rented from us (we purchased it as an investment property)

I’m struggling to know when enough is enough when it comes to support. We have the means to do it, which is why we still do. She has a job, she’s not living at home and she mostly has her mental health back in order…but financially and career wise she is struggling while watching the girls she went to highschool with in our small town flourish.

I guess I’m not entirely sure what my question is - just seeking to learn from others who maybe have been through something similar



Read your own post, OP, and see if you can spot where it all went wrong. Hint -- you saying that she has never fully reached her potential in life, and her coming to your husband and telling her how badly she feels about not living up to your expectations. Why have you created such a toxic situation for your daughter?


this
take a look at yourself
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 15:59     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:Eh you kind of failed her. And you’re judging her.
Honestly, at this point, pony up some big money for the wedding to the doctor, it’s her best prospect.

Why are you so toxic?
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 07:07     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
I think she s doing very well. For someone who didn’t graduate college and making 50k a year , that’s good!

I heard from someone that being a parent, your job is to love your kid no matter what and even if… it’s not your job to make them be or do something. Your only job is to love them.

Just be her biggest cheerleader. Let her worry about her own money and her own life.
Anonymous
Post 12/10/2025 05:57     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When’s the last time you told her that you’re proud of something she’s done? What was it?


I'm 49 and can't recall my parents ever saying they're proud of me. To be fair, I'm not particularly impressive. But not every parent talks that way.


Not every parent talks that way, but lots of parents show that they love their children as they are in different ways.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2025 20:50     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
Anonymous wrote:When’s the last time you told her that you’re proud of something she’s done? What was it?


I'm 49 and can't recall my parents ever saying they're proud of me. To be fair, I'm not particularly impressive. But not every parent talks that way.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2025 20:44     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
op, is she your only child?
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2025 20:30     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
OP, you’re a toxic parent.
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2025 20:22     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
When’s the last time you told her that you’re proud of something she’s done? What was it?
Anonymous
Post 12/09/2025 20:21     Subject: Adult daughter considers herself a failure
She earns $50k, and her partner is going to earn how much as a resident? I would absolutely stop giving her money. They can live within their means.