Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have 4 kids under 10, so I’m baffled by these suggestions for 2x/week date night or vacation away unless OP has a level of wealth I can’t fathom (totally possible).

Older siblings can babysit the younger ones…date night doesn’t need to cost much money.

I am actually from a family of 12 (only had two myself…take that for what it’s worth)…I guess my parents knew that with that many kids that divorce just wasn’t an option and you accept your life almost no matter what unless a spouse was violent (which my parents were not). No time for worrying about “losing connection”.

I was thinking that… but that doesn’t seem fair to them at this stage to me with so many young ones.

I think the best advice to OP is probably “wait 5 years.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who has 8-12 kids (they foster so it changes). They also have a fantastic marriage. What they do:

1. Lots of time together doing things they enjoy (usually something athletic)
2. Each has their own lives outside of family - so they each get me time, social time, etc.

In all seriousness how is this possible without being an absolutely sh&tty person, partner and parent? I've got 3 kids and no time for that.

NP it isn’t hard and your framing is wrong. You have to put the husband-wife relationship first, above all. Those who put the kids first tend to end up divorced.

Again, I don't see how it's possible to care for that many people, your job (even if you don't have a job), your partner and somehow magically have time outside of all of that.

Do you and your husband both work? Can you take time off during the week to meet up for breakfast or lunch?

Now that all the kids are in school, I would try and find time once a week, maybe during the day when the two of you spend an hour just the two of you. You can't really reconnect without time together and not time when you are both exhausted.

Or are the kids responsible enough that you can leave most of them at home and go somewhere on a Saturday morning for breakfast?

Sleep naked.

Anonymous wrote:They have 4 kids under 10, so I’m baffled by these suggestions for 2x/week date night or vacation away unless OP has a level of wealth I can’t fathom (totally possible).

Older siblings can babysit the younger ones…date night doesn’t need to cost much money.

I am actually from a family of 12 (only had two myself…take that for what it’s worth)…I guess my parents knew that with that many kids that divorce just wasn’t an option and you accept your life almost no matter what unless a spouse was violent (which my parents were not). No time for worrying about “losing connection”.

I’d suggest more sex but given the size of your brood, maybe not.

They have 4 kids under 10, so I’m baffled by these suggestions for 2x/week date night or vacation away unless OP has a level of wealth I can’t fathom (totally possible).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who has 8-12 kids (they foster so it changes). They also have a fantastic marriage. What they do:

1. Lots of time together doing things they enjoy (usually something athletic)
2. Each has their own lives outside of family - so they each get me time, social time, etc.

In all seriousness how is this possible without being an absolutely sh&tty person, partner and parent? I've got 3 kids and no time for that.

NP it isn’t hard and your framing is wrong. You have to put the husband-wife relationship first, above all. Those who put the kids first tend to end up divorced.

You put your husband first, right? And he you?

If you made the mistake of putting your kids first, you might not be able to save the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple who has 8-12 kids (they foster so it changes). They also have a fantastic marriage. What they do:

1. Lots of time together doing things they enjoy (usually something athletic)
2. Each has their own lives outside of family - so they each get me time, social time, etc.

In all seriousness how is this possible without being an absolutely sh&tty person, partner and parent? I've got 3 kids and no time for that.

You don't need to connect just like you can't actually care for 11 children in any meaningful way. You are a farm with animals not human beings. You can't actually get divorced so yeah.

Ok, aside from my snarkiness. The only realistic chance you have is virtual therapy and requiring your oldest to watch the kids to escape. It doesn't actually change your reality which is you had too many kids and your expectations of your time.

Learn new hobbies, travel and go on dates, without any kid.

I think rather than focusing on talking about it and emotional conversation and connection, I would find a shared hobby or activity, ideally something you can do at home together after the younger kids are in bed. Something that is NOT TV.

For us, it's board games. Having that shared hobby, talking about new games, playing together, debating strategy... it bring some just-us fun to our lives.

Other suggestions - jigsaw puzzles, woodworking, sewing, painting, drawing, baking, gardening, learning to play a musical instrument, learning a foreign language, learning to dance (like the waltz or something). With older kids around, you might even be able to get out of the house, and then you could try a sport like tennis or running or hiking or something.

You're past the little-littles stage (everybody can make themselves a sandwich and wipe their own butts) and you've got a little more time than you used to now - feels like the perfect time.

I know a couple who has 8-12 kids (they foster so it changes). They also have a fantastic marriage. What they do:

1. Lots of time together doing things they enjoy (usually something athletic)
2. Each has their own lives outside of family - so they each get me time, social time, etc.

I have 5 and all this is solid advice I hope to implement.