I try my hardest not to let on that I am feeling anything to this degree. Like one of the prior posters, my own mother just can't handle hearing about anything upsetting to me and always managed to make it about how upsetting it was to her. I still do not tell her things simply because I do not want to hear about how she is losing sleep over them, etc. I don't want to be this person for my child. So, even if I am super upset about something she's going through, I try to be a solid and calm place of refuge for her. I empathize and help her problem solve but I try to never, ever, let her know I'm upset beyond that.

I am so glad people are supporting you and trying to help. When I first start reading your OP, I was thinking, oh I can so relate. I am so involved. But, I am surprised you are checking her phone to see if a boy texted. I would check maybe not my kid's phone but online portals or what have you when it comes to academics or extra-curriculars, but I would wait for my DD to experience and then tell me what is happening when it comes to friends/boyfriends. I do think that is way too much, just my opinion. I imagine the solution is to force yourself to back away.

But, I think it's a credit to you that at least you care! So many threads I see from full adults talking about the pain they have from their childhoods- it's usually something like neglect or disinterest. You love your kid and I'm sure she knows it, so that's a plus.

For me I would not say I'm feeling their feelings. Im feeling MY feelings about their circumstances. I was genuinely hurt and disappointed when my son didnt make the soccer team. I wanted to be on those sidelines and part of that crowd. And yes, I wanted it partly because I knew how happy it made him, and I thought he had worked hard and deserved it, but recognizing that it was my disappointment helped me reframe my actions. Similarly when my other son had a big friend break up I felt annoyed at this other kid and embarrassed about what to say to his parents if I saw them and wondered if I should still invite hom to the birthday party, etc. I was also concerned about my son's feelings and social life, sure, but the emotions were mine.

And once I claim them as mine I can reframe them in a healthier way and move on.

Anonymous wrote:I found myself going down this road. Then I was checked by the thought of my own mother being so invested in and controlled by MY life as a teen who was just trying to figure things out. I would have hated it. I had friends with moms like this and I thought they were pathetic.

I wish my mother was invested. It would have strengthened our relationship. Wanting to know what is going on in child’s life doesn’t translate into being controlling. Part of being a parent is to talk to your child and help to guide your child through the challenges.

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually feeling their feeling or do you have your own feeling about dealing with the fall out.

For me, it's actually just dealing with the pouting, the anger, the disappointment, the fear of them becoming depressed.

For the lawyer, they don't feel the feeling of their client because they are not paying the bail or supporting the family left behind when they got to jail. Having worked with many lawyers, the amount of magic their secretaries do behind the scenes to not have their lawyer not go off the deep end simply because everything didn't line up just the way he wanted is what is actually happening. The emotions of a lawyer after court didn't go his way is beyond explosive and if you think you are not reacting to others... well then your just not paying attention.

I think this is a big part of it. My child who is more emotional and spins out more, I believe the feeling I am feeling is somewhat the dread and anticipation of knowing the emotional energy it will take on my part to witness/help the teen through it.

Anonymous wrote:Are you actually feeling their feeling or do you have your own feeling about dealing with the fall out.

For me, it's actually just dealing with the pouting, the anger, the disappointment, the fear of them becoming depressed.

For the lawyer, they don't feel the feeling of their client because they are not paying the bail or supporting the family left behind when they got to jail. Having worked with many lawyers, the amount of magic their secretaries do behind the scenes to not have their lawyer not go off the deep end simply because everything didn't line up just the way he wanted is what is actually happening. The emotions of a lawyer after court didn't go his way is beyond explosive and if you think you are not reacting to others... well then your just not paying attention.

I'm the first person that mentioned being a lawyer and there's two things going on here:

1) Reacting to others is different than "feeling their emotions." I definitely react to my kid's emotions. My kid's emotional reactions can be, at a minimum, super annoying, although I try to control/hide that because being annoyed isn't a helpful response.
2) Some lawyers are like that, but not all. I was speaking to how I approach my work life, but obviously there are lawyers who are more emotionally reactive. I don't explode at people and I don't have a secretary at all.

Are you actually feeling their feeling or do you have your own feeling about dealing with the fall out.

For me, it's actually just dealing with the pouting, the anger, the disappointment, the fear of them becoming depressed.

For the lawyer, they don't feel the feeling of their client because they are not paying the bail or supporting the family left behind when they got to jail. Having worked with many lawyers, the amount of magic their secretaries do behind the scenes to not have their lawyer not go off the deep end simply because everything didn't line up just the way he wanted is what is actually happening. The emotions of a lawyer after court didn't go his way is beyond explosive and if you think you are not reacting to others... well then your just not paying attention.

I found myself going down this road. Then I was checked by the thought of my own mother being so invested in and controlled by MY life as a teen who was just trying to figure things out. I would have hated it. I had friends with moms like this and I thought they were pathetic.

Here’s the thing, OP. There’s no way that your feeling your kids’ feelings isn’t obvious to your kids. So you’re just compounding their feelings and making things worse. You’re doing no one in the family any favors, especially your kids. You have got to find a way to get over this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nearly every mother I know has this issue and no fathers do.

It’s awful and I would love not to have this issue.

I have no idea how universal this is, but as a dad this problem has always seemed really strange to me. Other people's feelings are their own, not mine. I'm very happy to hear about my kid's feelings and try to help her through them, but I don't also feel them. I'm an attorney and I see my role kind of similarly. I shouldn't feel what my client is feeling. I can best help them by offering guidance from outside their feelings.

I’m a woman. Most of us have zero issues doing this at work, friends, spouse. I feel no one else’s feelings in the least. For me it is hardest with my oldest who is a very gentle personality.

Yup. I am a lawyer, too. No issues with my client's feelings, coworkers' feelings, friends' feelings, even my husband's feelings. But I feel every bit of either of my kids' pain. I'm a mom and I swear the pain my kids experience feels worse that my own at that age, whether it be sports failures, romantic letdowns (no relationships/breakups yet for either), friend troubles, etc. They hurt, I hurt.

Anonymous wrote:Nearly every mother I know has this issue and no fathers do.

It’s awful and I would love not to have this issue.

My husband is like this and I’m not. He’s super protective and I’m all - you need to have problems to learn how to problem solve.

I don't know if this is helpful, but having a third kid forced me to stop doing this.

When I had two, I really felt "in" whatever they were feeling. They were little, so it was things like "I fell and scraped my knee" or "Larlo is being mean to me" but if my kid was crying, I was there with them (not crying, obviously, but unhappy). Once I had a third, this became exhausting, and I had to actively detach. I realized that if I let myself live by the "you're only has happy as your least happy child" mantra, with three kids, I was going to be unhappy 4x as much as everyone else (my own unhappiness and three kids worth of unhappiness) and that was both unhelpful and a path to a lot of misery.

I realized that I could be there for my kids without actually feeling their emotions. It took active practice, but I got better at it. And practicing when they were little and it was the little stuff helped build that muscle as they got older and their problems became more real. Would be a much harder adjustment at this stage.

If sh*t gets real-real, it won't help, for sure, but boy trouble? This is a phase of life. Yup, she's going to get hurt. Expect it, accept it, AND recognize that this is a GOOD thing. It's how she learns. Do you know anyone who hit 40 without some heartbreak? I don't. And, in fact, the person I know who didn't start dating until her 30s went through all this for the first time then and I'd say it was harder. You don't want that for your kid. If you can re-brand this in your head as an important learning experience for her no matter the outcome, that might help you detach (although lord knows you shouldn't say anything like that to her!)

I wish I had advice for this, but I sure don't. I think my kid bounce back from his setbacks quicker than I do!

But really, it does help me to remember that he's resilient. And often when I hear the HUGE emotions they are transient... An emotional explosion lets him get it out of his system and then can move on.

I'm the safe person he can vent to, but like a therapist I think I need some self care for myself because I worry waaaaaaaay too much. But I have to play it cool on the outside or my kid clams up. I nod and ask open-ended questions while often panicking inside.

You know that saying, “a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child”? I never quite understood it until I had kids.

It’s hard, OP! But just remind yourself that you’re the adult in the room and be there for her if she wants to discuss it, but with wisdom and guidance from you, not getting into the drama. She has her girlfriends for that.

So she needs you to show her how to stay above the nonsense and carry on.

I try to look at things in a bigger picture. I'd rather my kid deal with their first break up when they live at home and I can help them through it. And I can't help them through it if I'm an emotional wreck and they feel like they can't come to me. I could never go to my mom for this reason and I really hated it. At 40, I still dislike that I can't go to my mom for things. When I had a cancer scare, I never told her because I knew she would be way too emotional about it and cause me more stress.

So I vent to my girlfriends about my feelings and they vent to me, but otherwise to the kids I just seem like a strong support system. Not like I'm going to become overly emotional if they come to me crying and put something else on their plate to deal with.