Anonymous wrote:All these "parents" calling OP fake, troll, horrible parent... clearly live in a bubble or are very entitled.

Why is it hard to believe a bratty DD is not capable of taking 4K from their parents? eye roll.

She knows her daughter better than anyone... I'm sure she has struggle with her for years... and continues to do so.

OP, this sounds like another post from you.

It’s understandable that you’re upset. But if you gave your daughter permission to use that credit card before, including for rent or living expenses, and didn’t make it clear at some point that she was no longer allowed to use it, you’re not being clear or consistent enough with your daughter.

It sounds like she might be struggling with establishing consistency in her life, and in a panic, is misconstruing the level of help you’re willing to give, so try to be more consistent and clear with her. If she’s not allowed to use any funds from you, tell her that and cut off the card(s).

That said, at $3k/month, her rent likely exceeds her total salary—how was she approved to be on the lease?

Anonymous wrote:All these "parents" calling OP fake, troll, horrible parent... clearly live in a bubble or are very entitled.

Why is it hard to believe a bratty DD is not capable of taking 4K from their parents? eye roll.

She knows her daughter better than anyone... I'm sure she has struggle with her for years... and continues to do so.

The fact that op states a very recent college grad is failure to launch, and has been “unemployed since then” but lost their barista job.

All these "parents" calling OP fake, troll, horrible parent... clearly live in a bubble or are very entitled.

Why is it hard to believe a bratty DD is not capable of taking 4K from their parents? eye roll.

She knows her daughter better than anyone... I'm sure she has struggle with her for years... and continues to do so.

Anonymous wrote:Troll

What does that mean? Elaborate...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just ask her for the money back? Why was she allowed to use a credit card if it has the wrong name?

We already asked her for the money back, but she obviously refused. She had written down my credit card information on a slip of paper last year and apparently had it saved for "emergencies like this."

Some of what you’re saying isn’t really adding up, OP. Rent technically is an emergency: not paying it leads to eviction. Are you saying that she pays $3k monthly for rent, even with a roommate? If not, what were the other charges for, aside from rent and the plane tickets? Have you previously paid for her rent or other living expenses since she moved out? Did you give your CC to her to use last year for living expenses and she just used it again—or are you saying you’ve never given her your CC or permission to use it? Is she an authorized user on the account? What did she say the plane tickets were for (purpose, not locale)?

Mom of a mid 20s Barista who uses that job (and another part time job) to pay his life expenses while in school. He is a late starter due to mental health issues. I say this just to let people know that it is really hard to lose a job as a Barista. It's not a popular or well paying job and it takes a lot of training to become proficient. So employers tolerate a lot. I think it's only fair that other posters realize that OP's child likely does have issues beyond stealing if she can't hold onto a job that is hard to lose.

As far as what to do, I get that you are angry. But, if you involve the police, the result will be a police record. The only thing they can do is press charges for stealing. And, since you gave her the credit card at some point to use, it's not so clear cut that she did commit a crime. It will be her word that she had permission to use against yours that she did not. Even if you are believed, all you do is create a record for her which will follow her for a very long time, if not forever, and make adulting all that much harder for her.

I think those who said to report your card stolen and get a new one are right. But I'd go further. Sometimes credit card companies will honor cards that they shut down so I may completely conclude my business relationship with the credit card company or, at the very least, report that there are no other authorized users on the account. I'd discuss the problem with your credit card company and see exactly what they offer in this regard.

One other thing. Capital One messages me every single time my credit card is used. If that service is available to you, I'd opt in. That way if it's not something you did or authorized, you can stop it immediately and you won't lose the money. I'm sure other banks have a similar service, but I don't know because I'm a long term Capital One customer.

Anonymous wrote:First, change your credit card and protect the information better.

Second, the job market is absoluely terrible, so not having a job is not surprising.

Third, stealing from you is absolutley a problem, though in a million years I cannot imagine a parent calling the police on their child in a situaiton like this unless theft from you is an ongoing problem you have tried to resolve in other ways. If it were repeated I'd worry about drugs, if it's the first time and you know it's because she lost her job, then not the same situation at all (not good, but not police worthy).

But a deeper question here is why didn't she feel that she could ask you for help? My kids would have called and explained the situation, and we would have helped them find a solution to the rent issue.

Most of your advice here is good, but the last paragraph falls into the trap of "if you just parented your kid better this wouldn't happen." Kids and young adults screw up. Work out a repayment plan with her and cancel that card. Warn her that the next time she commits fraud you are going to the police.

Anonymous wrote:I'm getting evil step-mother vibes.

Why? I'm a mom, not a stepmom, and I would be sooooooo mad if my kids spent $4000 on my credit card without my permission. That is stealing.

Just report all your cards as stolen and get new cards. If she's an authorized user on any cards, cut that off. Not much to be done about the money already spent but you need to cut everything else off.

OP, you sound dumb.

Obviously you should call in your credit card as lost and get new cards and don't tell her the new number. And keep all your financial info cards etc away from her. Cut her off.

And no, don't file a police report. That will make it even harder for her to launch.

I'm getting evil step-mother vibes.

First, change your credit card and protect the information better.

Second, the job market is absoluely terrible, so not having a job is not surprising.

Third, stealing from you is absolutley a problem, though in a million years I cannot imagine a parent calling the police on their child in a situaiton like this unless theft from you is an ongoing problem you have tried to resolve in other ways. If it were repeated I'd worry about drugs, if it's the first time and you know it's because she lost her job, then not the same situation at all (not good, but not police worthy).

But a deeper question here is why didn't she feel that she could ask you for help? My kids would have called and explained the situation, and we would have helped them find a solution to the rent issue.

This is not failure to launch. Agree this is a personal not police matter - why risk messing up her ability to get a job? The economy is incredibly bad, she’s graduated at one of the worst times. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to make this up to you - can you bring in a mentor to her? An aunt or older cousin type who can guide her? Therapy on why she stole? She should pay you back. And hopefully she will grow her empathy. Don’t involve police.

It depends whether you hate your child and want her to fail.

If she has a criminal record, she will have an even harder time finding a job. She might end up on the street, doing things you wouldn't want her to do to make ends meet.

Does she have special needs or a mental health disorder? These people struggle more than most to be financially independent, and they need support, not contempt and rejection.

Anonymous wrote:DD is a failure to launch. She graduated college back in May and has been unemployed since then. I found out last week that she stole $4k from us (she doesn't live with us, she pays rent in another city) because we found that our credit card had been venmo'd to her roommate for rent money, and we saw that she spent $1k on Delta plane tickets.

HELP! We tried to file a fraudulent dispute claim with the company, but I'm not sure if it'll work out. Should we file a police report against her so she doesn't pull this insanity again?

Fake.