Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?

As a daughter and mother, I refuse to agree that it’s normal to make a grand stand proclamation that you refuse to speak to your child for months at a time, 2-3 times a year. I simply can’t believe this is typical or healthy or normal!

—OP

You go girl! Keep posting until you get someone to agree with you! That's the only "advice" you want!

So, what are you suggesting, because I know you aren’t the PP I quoted. I’m listening, so what do you advise?

—OP

That you grow up and get another hobby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?

As a daughter and mother, I refuse to agree that it’s normal to make a grand stand proclamation that you refuse to speak to your child for months at a time, 2-3 times a year. I simply can’t believe this is typical or healthy or normal!

—OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?

As a daughter and mother, I refuse to agree that it’s normal to make a grand stand proclamation that you refuse to speak to your child for months at a time, 2-3 times a year. I simply can’t believe this is typical or healthy or normal!

—OP

You go girl! Keep posting until you get someone to agree with you! That's the only "advice" you want!

So, what are you suggesting, because I know you aren’t the PP I quoted. I’m listening, so what do you advise?

—OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?

As a daughter and mother, I refuse to agree that it’s normal to make a grand stand proclamation that you refuse to speak to your child for months at a time, 2-3 times a year. I simply can’t believe this is typical or healthy or normal!

—OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?

As a daughter and mother, I refuse to agree that it’s normal to make a grand stand proclamation that you refuse to speak to your child for months at a time, 2-3 times a year. I simply can’t believe this is typical or healthy or normal!

—OP

You go girl! Keep posting until you get someone to agree with you! That's the only "advice" you want!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?

As a daughter and mother, I refuse to agree that it’s normal to make a grand stand proclamation that you refuse to speak to your child for months at a time, 2-3 times a year. I simply can’t believe this is typical or healthy or normal!

—OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you inviting her and she’s refusing? More importantly do your kids invite them and she’s refuses? Do you really want more than birthdays and holidays?

I mean if all the kids know is that they any see granny on birthdays and Christmas and you have dragged them into your drama, I don’t get what’s so bad. That’s all that many kids see their grandparents.

Honestly, I don’t mind hosting or visiting when things are “normal”, but they are never normal after she goes off the grid, and I’m tired of her disappearing until she feels the loneliness of holidays without family. You can’t abandon us all year in between birthdays and holidays. Am I crazy to think this isn’t normal? Is it typical for parents/grandparents to cut off all contact between holidays after creating drama or not getting their way?

—OP

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is on your husband to triage and manage.
He hasn’t done a good job in twenty years - doubt it’s going to change now.

Well, that’s why I’m stepping in. I’m asking advice on how to do that.

—OP

Anonymous wrote:Are you inviting her and she’s refusing? More importantly do your kids invite them and she’s refuses? Do you really want more than birthdays and holidays?

I mean if all the kids know is that they any see granny on birthdays and Christmas and you have dragged them into your drama, I don’t get what’s so bad. That’s all that many kids see their grandparents.