Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

That’s so not fair to the child. It’s not the child’s responsibility to manage this and the child has no ability make things happen in a way mom’s feelings are protected. Also it could alienate dad and that’s also not fair to suggest a child do that. What a way to set up a child to fail and feel terrible about it.

It’s so easy for OP to be proactive and do things early. And, in those situations where a first happens with dad, figure out another first for the situation. Don’t let dad define what matters.

You have a point but I think we all can agree her ex is being an ahole. Bra shopping? With some random broad?

Probably because he's telling them that you are a terrible mother and that your daughter doesn't get to do any fun or nurturing mother daughter experiences with you. Telling them that he wishes your daughter had a mom she could look up to and make memories with. Telling girlfriend she would make such a good mom, etc. Psyching girlfriend up that he wants to do something really special with daughter and girlfriend together like a family... or other similar garbage.

Sorry to hear this is happening, the girlfriends don't sound like they value much if they are trying to play mom with someone else's kid. There is plenty of ways they could bond with her withoit doing these types of things.

This is totally fine to vent about!!

Sounds very trollish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

oh god please don't put this on your kid to handle.

op, I get it. but I think you need to just let this slide rather than turning it into a Thing.

It is okay to communicate your needs and wants to your kids. It really is. It helps for kids to know what is important to you. That would be different than holding the kids responsible for holding a line for you or resenting them if they don’t. But it’s really a gift to make your hopes and needs clear rather than being passive. And it is excellent modeling for your child on how to handle difficult relationships.

No it really isn't. OP can talk to her ex but putting the child in the middle isn't fair to them. Telling your child they need to push back against their dad and stand up for your needs against him and be the one to not let him do things that might upset you is so incredibly unhealthy. The fact that you think using your kids as pawns is quite unfortunate. If OP has an issue - she should be an adult and talk to her ex, not expect her children to be the go between. It isn't on the child if OP is unhappy, or the child's repsonsiblity to manage the conflict between the parents. If mom and dad both inundate the child with their needs and wants and expect the child to manage not only their own needs and wants but also mom and dads - well you are creating a mess.

We’re talking about a 17 year old, not a 7 year old. A 17 year old should be capable of this and it’s fine.

I know a woman who had her AP teach her son how to drive during the day while the father was at work!

I didn't say anything to her at the time but I knew it was wrong and the dad would be terribly hurt when he heard about it.

She kept telling the kids and everyone else the AP was just a "friend" until she filed for divorce and immediately moved him into the house.

I'm sorry OP. Totally appropriate topic for a vent. This sucks.

And yeah, I have teenaged daughters with the AP-turned-girlfriend trying to be their best friend. It sucks. But they see it for what it is. "I think she's trying to kiss my ass."

I wouldn't talk to my daughter because she's allowed to have experiences without me. One of my daughters would be crippled by the fear of disappointing me if I put that on her. The other would say, "Of course I wanted to be with you mama, but this way the other parent had to pay for it!"

So vent away. You're doing a good job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

oh god please don't put this on your kid to handle.

op, I get it. but I think you need to just let this slide rather than turning it into a Thing.

It is okay to communicate your needs and wants to your kids. It really is. It helps for kids to know what is important to you. That would be different than holding the kids responsible for holding a line for you or resenting them if they don’t. But it’s really a gift to make your hopes and needs clear rather than being passive. And it is excellent modeling for your child on how to handle difficult relationships.

No it really isn't. OP can talk to her ex but putting the child in the middle isn't fair to them. Telling your child they need to push back against their dad and stand up for your needs against him and be the one to not let him do things that might upset you is so incredibly unhealthy. The fact that you think using your kids as pawns is quite unfortunate. If OP has an issue - she should be an adult and talk to her ex, not expect her children to be the go between. It isn't on the child if OP is unhappy, or the child's repsonsiblity to manage the conflict between the parents. If mom and dad both inundate the child with their needs and wants and expect the child to manage not only their own needs and wants but also mom and dads - well you are creating a mess.

I want to throw a little bit of a wrench in this discussion and it is this...

Sometimes kids can, and do, play parents against each other. Not saying this is the case here at all just that it is in the realm of possibility.

For example, let's say DD says she wants her ears pierced. Mom says wait until you are XX age.

Next time DD visits dad she says she really wants her ears pierced but mom doesn't have time to take her, or mom is too squeamish, etc. Of course dad (and girlfriend of the month) see this as an opportunity to make DD happy and take her to get her ears pierced.

Or maybe DD says she wants a certain prom dress but mom says it's too risque/expensive etc. and won't buy it. DD then visits dad, sadly tells him mom is no help in shopping for a dress and all they do is argue and fight about it and she's just going to borrow a dress from a friend.

Once again, dad (and GF) decide to be the heroes and take DD out for the expensive, risque dress she always wanted.

Anonymous wrote:Ear piercing should be joint but why are you not doing things like getting your daughter's bras?

This jumped out at me too. OP, if your daughter was ready for a bra, why hadn’t you already taken care of that?

This far he has introduced your children to three girl friends? I would have been upset with this. Youvsrecwe rid of your ex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

oh god please don't put this on your kid to handle.

op, I get it. but I think you need to just let this slide rather than turning it into a Thing.

It is okay to communicate your needs and wants to your kids. It really is. It helps for kids to know what is important to you. That would be different than holding the kids responsible for holding a line for you or resenting them if they don’t. But it’s really a gift to make your hopes and needs clear rather than being passive. And it is excellent modeling for your child on how to handle difficult relationships.

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to your older daughter and let her know that it's really important to you to get to take her dress shopping for prom and homecoming. So if Dad all of a sudden springs on her that he and Tiffani want to take her shopping, she can deflect and say, "Sorry, Mom and I already have plans to shop next Saturday."

Beyond that, I would not mention a thing to your ex. He wants that. He did this to provoke you. Don't give him the satisfaction or power. It's good he is your ex.

oh god please don't put this on your kid to handle.

op, I get it. but I think you need to just let this slide rather than turning it into a Thing.

Anonymous wrote:For me, the weird part is that it's these somewhat temporary gfs doing it. I had no problem with my daughter's step mom doing these type of things because it helped them bond. But I would have felt slighted if a more random woman did it.

You'd have to lack common sense to pierce your stepkids' ears, and in this case, she's just a random interloper, not even a stepmom. Bad behavior. But what can you do?

For me, the weird part is that it's these somewhat temporary gfs doing it. I had no problem with my daughter's step mom doing these type of things because it helped them bond. But I would have felt slighted if a more random woman did it.