Anonymous wrote:That person is effed up. You don't want to hang onto someone with those attitudes. Good riddance.

This.

OP, your specifics do not matter. When you tie together an adult friendship w/friendships between kids/teens -- the friendship between adults will not go well. The way for the adult friendship to work, and it's still rare, is if the Mom's do not talk about the kids. Talk about all the other things there are to talk about, that two women can talk about.

I was raised with poor social skills and could totally see myself sticking my foot in my mouth this way. I did it many times. So I'm more likely to forgive others when they mess up. OP, if the girls are teens they can form their own friendships without parental help. I would forgive this mom-friend lady but you do what works for you.

Anonymous wrote:I would try staying friends as adults but give up on the kids staying friends. Let her know that's how you plan to go forward.

She apologized for her trashy remark and it seems like her daughter is on a path that you wouldn't choose for your daughter anyway. Covid did permanently change some things...it's o.k. to accept that there were lost opportunities.

Hopefully you had something in common besides "kid stuff"?

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met one of my close friends through our daughters’ shared activity when they were little. Friends for almost a decade, family meet ups where kids would all play together but we stopped during Covid. Our girls were friends but at different school districts, only saw each other occasionally. At the start of HS, my DD struggled socially, had few female friends, but a bunch of guy friends. I suggested a couple times that we should get the girls together. Friend’s DD was outgoing and popular. Friend announces that she doesn’t want to ‘force’ her kid to be friends with people who might not be good for her child (meaning my more socially awkward introverted and not-as-popular kid). Meanwhile, her DD is in a high-drama friend group w/girls who are self-harming, etc. Friend compared asking her DD to hang out with ‘asking her to be friends with a kid in a wheelchair just because they’re disabled’. I was shocked, ended the friendship. She has since apologized, said her words came out wrong, she was just trying to make sure her DD was emotionally healthy and making the best choices for herself. I only suggested we all get together sometime so girls could hang out, not be best friends or force anything. The loss of her friendship has really bothered me, and I wonder if I should have just let it go? But also, my DD is a great kid- kind, straight A student, and definitely not a ‘bad influence’. Should I have overlooked her comments? Losing a close adult friend is tough.

She wasn’t wrong. Trying to force friendships on your children is not a good idea.

I guess it's a good thing all OP did was propose hangouts, not insist they go to sleepaway camp together and share a cabin or bring the other DD along on a family vacation for a month. In other words, OP didn't try to force friendship, she just tried to reunite 2 girls who'd been friends for 10 yrs that only ended during covid.

Hopefully you're not in OP's social circle, because then she'd need to stay away from your overly judgemental toxicity too.

I think this really depends on whether you think this comment really reflects who she is, or whether she said something badly worded in a moment of stress. Risking teen girls is really really hard. I don’t know how the whole conversation went, but I can imagine a world in which she said “let’s just get together for drinks without the girls” and you pushed back on why, and she said something along those lines. Some teen girls are really, really restrictive about their social interactions. Often it’s anxiety based. For some anxious girls, that looks like they are socially awkward and excluded. But for other anxious girls it can look like mean popular girl behavior — they have a circle of friends and because they are socially anxious, it is really hard for them to socialize with other people. So maybe her daughter is in that latter group, and if she was self harming that suggests that she is having some level of anxiety. So I can see a decent person, when pressed about why can’t the girls hang out, saying something like — look, I can’t force my daughter to hang out with someone just to be nice to them.

I’ve known popular tween girls who are great about hanging out with lots of different people — they are usually easy going, outgoing personalities. I’ve also known some that come off as snobby because they feel incredible amounts of stress at hanging out with girls that aren’t in their immediate “safe” circle of friends.

You say you’ve known this woman for a decade. Do you generally think she’s kind of a mean person? Or is she generally a kind person? That would make all the difference here. We don’t know her.

NP: OP you did exactly the right thing. Your (now ex) friend showed how she saw your DD and it was judgemental and obnoxious. Your DD didn't deserve that kind of "it's like making my DD be friends with your DD just because she's in a wheelchair" is very rude and very revealing about how she perceives your DD.

That's toxic, and honestly even if your ex-friend's DD is popular but with toxic girls, if I were in your shoes I'd no longer even want my DD to socialize with her DD because there could be so much toxicity there, subtle or obvious.

How is your DD doing socially now OP? What grade is she in? Hopefully it's gotten a bit better than it was when your ex friend was so rude. And no I wouldn't really be friends with her again, she showed you how she thinks and unless she's really got wonderful friend qualities that you do miss, you're probably better off without her.

But if you really miss other parts of your friendship with her, and you can separate her views on your DD from how she is to you, I dunno, maybe give her a chance to be a friend again? But never ever forget or minimize her superiority complex or her totally obnoxioius unfair judgements of your DD or of your intentions when you proposed some hangouts with her DD.

Again, you did the right thing the 1st time. You should not have just let it go, it was very revealing.

From the OP, it doesn’t sound like the other mom even mentioned this to her DD, just that she, the mom, didn’t think OP’s DD was someone her DD should hang out with because she, the mom, thought OP’s DD was somehow like a kid with a disability (wth?)?

I wouldn’t stay close friends with someone who said that about my DD or thought that about people with disabilities. And I wouldn’t want my DD hanging with high drama girls.

Anonymous wrote:Met one of my close friends through our daughters’ shared activity when they were little. Friends for almost a decade, family meet ups where kids would all play together but we stopped during Covid. Our girls were friends but at different school districts, only saw each other occasionally. At the start of HS, my DD struggled socially, had few female friends, but a bunch of guy friends. I suggested a couple times that we should get the girls together. Friend’s DD was outgoing and popular. Friend announces that she doesn’t want to ‘force’ her kid to be friends with people who might not be good for her child (meaning my more socially awkward introverted and not-as-popular kid). Meanwhile, her DD is in a high-drama friend group w/girls who are self-harming, etc. Friend compared asking her DD to hang out with ‘asking her to be friends with a kid in a wheelchair just because they’re disabled’. I was shocked, ended the friendship. She has since apologized, said her words came out wrong, she was just trying to make sure her DD was emotionally healthy and making the best choices for herself. I only suggested we all get together sometime so girls could hang out, not be best friends or force anything. The loss of her friendship has really bothered me, and I wonder if I should have just let it go? But also, my DD is a great kid- kind, straight A student, and definitely not a ‘bad influence’. Should I have overlooked her comments? Losing a close adult friend is tough.

She wasn’t wrong. Trying to force friendships on your children is not a good idea.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a 90s teen drama. Did the other mom REALLY equate forcing kids to kids in wheelchair? Really?

Before anyone says I’m a terrible person, no I’ve never run into this, have all boys (which is its own nonsense) this just reads weird.

This sounds like a 90s teen drama. Did the other mom REALLY equate forcing kids to kids in wheelchair? Really?

Anonymous wrote:Met one of my close friends through our daughters’ shared activity when they were little. Friends for almost a decade, family meet ups where kids would all play together but we stopped during Covid. Our girls were friends but at different school districts, only saw each other occasionally. At the start of HS, my DD struggled socially, had few female friends, but a bunch of guy friends. I suggested a couple times that we should get the girls together. Friend’s DD was outgoing and popular. Friend announces that she doesn’t want to ‘force’ her kid to be friends with people who might not be good for her child (meaning my more socially awkward introverted and not-as-popular kid). Meanwhile, her DD is in a high-drama friend group w/girls who are self-harming, etc. Friend compared asking her DD to hang out with ‘asking her to be friends with a kid in a wheelchair just because they’re disabled’. I was shocked, ended the friendship. She has since apologized, said her words came out wrong, she was just trying to make sure her DD was emotionally healthy and making the best choices for herself. I only suggested we all get together sometime so girls could hang out, not be best friends or force anything. The loss of her friendship has really bothered me, and I wonder if I should have just let it go? But also, my DD is a great kid- kind, straight A student, and definitely not a ‘bad influence’. Should I have overlooked her comments? Losing a close adult friend is tough.

What she was trying to tell you is her daughter might have looked like she had it all but was also struggling and your friend asking her to hang out with daughter was going to cost her something with her own relationship with her daughter. So she put her and her kid’s needs first. Her kid didn’t want to hang out with your kid and she shouldn’t have to. Forcing kids this age to hang out with other kids sucks. And being in the position when your kid is the one who doesn’t want to hang out is tough. Sounds like your friend handled it poorly. What she said is beyond clumsy and rude. But I also think you put her in a bad spot.

Don’t try to force friendships at this age. You shouldn’t have asked once let alone a couple times. It’s a disaster. These dynamics of one kid becomes more popular and ditches the other kid is so common and it’s very very easy to villainize the popular kid. I’ve done it myself. They are teenagers and they care about being popular and it matters to them even though we know it’s all kind of dumb and they’re going to make mistakes and not always handle it well. And sometimes the friend who got dumped doesn’t handle it well either. I guess my point is attempt to have some grace for all involved.

As for what she said, it’s horrible enough that if she didn’t directly apologize it’s a friendship ender. For me, if it was a person who I valued and enjoyed and had been a good friend and I thought the statement was generally out of character and they owned a mistake, I’d move on.

I am sorry OP. It is tough. I have a 13yo who decided this year that their best friend since K is no longer who s/he wants to spend time with. We have been very close with the parents, socially and in all matters. It was awkward at first but I also realized quickly that forcing a friendship does not work at these ages, and backfires. I hope they eventually circle back to one another. It's been a lesson for me as well - since many of my very close friendships were formed during my kids' formative years. So far the parents and I are still friends but it has put a major dent into the closeness, particularly since their child is feeling hurt.

In your shoes, I would not be able to forget that she said my DD is someone who might not be good for her child. So I suppose I could still be acquainted with her, but I would never trust her again.