Anonymous wrote:1) I recently had the awful honor of speaking at a funeral for someone who put in decades of hard work in therapy. I wanted to honor their dedication to healing without embarrassing the family. I left out the particulars and spoke just about how they always looked for the light and were a marvelous parent.
2) My mom has ruined every happy occasion in my adulthood by reminding me and anyone in attendance of the horrors of my childhood. I would not want that as part of a wedding speech.

+1 Agree 100 %

Anonymous wrote:You could say “It’s been an honor watching you grow into the amazing person you have become,” but I wouldn’t reference getting help.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Im giving a speech at my cousin's (massive) wedding soon. He grew up with a dead beat dad that left very early and never had any custody or paid child support, just randomly dropped in to manipulate and restir up abandonment trauma for the kids every so often.

My cousin put himself in therapy at 18, just made partner at his firm, is the BEST dad who constantly researches parenting and studies and learned to be emotionally available and Im just so insanely proud of him from where he came from.

Can I say something like "it has been an honor watching you grow into the person you needed" or "what a feat to put in 20 years of self work to make yourself the person your kid and wife deserve"

The deadbeat dad will be at the wedding.

If you are motivated by taking a dig at the deadbeat dad, no I would not do that.

1) I recently had the awful honor of speaking at a funeral for someone who put in decades of hard work in therapy. I wanted to honor their dedication to healing without embarrassing the family. I left out the particulars and spoke just about how they always looked for the light and were a marvelous parent.
2) My mom has ruined every happy occasion in my adulthood by reminding me and anyone in attendance of the horrors of my childhood. I would not want that as part of a wedding speech.

Anonymous wrote:Say as little as possible then sit your a$$ right back down. Nobody wants to listen to a bunch of speeches, especially from a cousin.

Agree

Anonymous wrote:I think if you want to stick the knife in the deadbeat dad you can go talk to him directly, after your speech which doesn't mention him. He doesn't deserve a mention.

Deadbeat dad likely thinks he’s a winner

Anonymous wrote:Im giving a speech at my cousin's (massive) wedding soon. He grew up with a dead beat dad that left very early and never had any custody or paid child support, just randomly dropped in to manipulate and restir up abandonment trauma for the kids every so often.

My cousin put himself in therapy at 18, just made partner at his firm, is the BEST dad who constantly researches parenting and studies and learned to be emotionally available and Im just so insanely proud of him from where he came from.

Can I say something like "it has been an honor watching you grow into the person you needed" or "what a feat to put in 20 years of self work to make yourself the person your kid and wife deserve"

The deadbeat dad will be at the wedding.

How old is your cousin?
How old are his kids?
Is this his first or second marriage?
Is the fiancée pregnant?

Uplift the groom without dragging anyone else down. My drunk BIL's speech insulted my mother and so many people recorded it.

I see wedding speeches every weekend and I have a little general advice:

1) Don’t talk about yourself. Looking at you, parents.

2) “Fast or funny”. If you don’t have the gift of writing or public speaking (and many people don’t), keep it short.

3) Put the work in. Do not wing it. These people end up rambling and saying nothing. It’s awkward for everyone.

I’ve heard some really incredible speeches. When they’re great, they’re one of the best parts of the day. Most are not great. Know where you stand. It’s okay to just be short and polite.

But to OP’s question: I thinks it’s fine to say something about his mature quest for self-development and how that makes him such a great friend and partner, but I would leave it all so vague that only the inner circle might assume the meaning. The catering staff should not learn about family drama at a wedding. It should not invite the dad to fight someone (it happens)

When in doubt, leave it out. Fast or funny.

It's best not to take jabs in a wedding speech. It's about the couple and making any guest, even a loser family member, feel bad is a breach of etiquette.

The only thing I can agree with is saying stuff to compliment the mom as well.

Anonymous wrote:Im giving a speech at my cousin's (massive) wedding soon. He grew up with a dead beat dad that left very early and never had any custody or paid child support, just randomly dropped in to manipulate and restir up abandonment trauma for the kids every so often.

My cousin put himself in therapy at 18, just made partner at his firm, is the BEST dad who constantly researches parenting and studies and learned to be emotionally available and Im just so insanely proud of him from where he came from.

Can I say something like "it has been an honor watching you grow into the person you needed" or "what a feat to put in 20 years of self work to make yourself the person your kid and wife deserve"

The deadbeat dad will be at the wedding.

Tell it to him in private
Light hearted in public. Make sure the deadbeat dad says nothing.

I didn't even read the OP. If you have to ask, no.

I would check w/your cousin first but I would think the second phrase would be better than the first one personally. 🥂

Say as little as possible then sit your a$$ right back down. Nobody wants to listen to a bunch of speeches, especially from a cousin.

Here's another thought: what if your cousin and his father have taken steps to create a new relationship, or are at the very beginning of trying to? If so, they might overlook your desire to take a shot across the bow, but it would still hurt one or both of them.

Or, perhaps, they want to keep old conflict private.

Forget the revenge.