Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To shake that feeling, realize that your potential 3rd kid could have had significant SN which would have made life for your whole family (especially the older 2) much harder and caused you tremendous financial strain.

Perhaps you mean well, but what an offensive sentiment. SN children are loved just as much and just as much worth it.

DP here. I've definitely had parents tell me they sometimes think they should have stopped sooner, for various reasons, SN among them, mental health challenges, etc. It's an honest and normal feeling.

NP who has a child with special needs (first kid). I too had heard parents express regret, especially when the type of special needs is metal health related or their kid had drug or legal problems or for some reason never really fit into their family. I think the point that you don’t know the dynamic another kid will bring to your family. So the grieving is for something in your dreams, which could be far different than what your reality could turn out to be.

Anyway, I think you make peace by realizing that you made some of the choices that got you here (how much to spend on your house, the career you chose, the spouse you chose, the location where you live . . ). and some of the reasons it didn’t work out are because you weren’t born wealthy or with certain abilities that might have given you a better financial picture. Presumably you made the choices that made the most sense at the time. And that’s all you Could control. Makes no sense to grieve over not being born to different parents.

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids, 9 and 12.
My husband has had rocky work situation and because of that, most of the burden has fallen on me. I would have liked to have had 3 kids, but i felt i couldn't add one more considering all the pressure that I'm under.
All of this makes sense EXCEPT:
1.I still have sadness and regret, despite the pragmatic reasons
2. the sadness and regret then cause resentment
3. I've actually done pretty well (although might not have with 3 kids).
4. Not dealing super well with the passage of time and wish i had one more younger one

I guess the tldr is part of my brain feels sad that I didn't just decide to have a more modest life and another kid instead of prioritizing financial security. Like a grown up.

Can anyone relate? Or no, I'm just a dummy who lives in cloud cuckoo land and need to get my sh*t together, psychologically? (or both can be true)

I had to check this was not a ghost thread someone revived and I actually wrote a year ago and forgot… seriously I could have written that. And my kids are same age but I have had that feeling for a while. Each year making it clearer that there was nothing I could do to change it…

It is hard but I try to be grateful for what I have, 2 healthy kids and indeed financial stability. I also wonder if i would still have wanted one last young kid even with 3 (a friend with 3 is there).

My only advice : enjoy the fact that you do have more time to spend with each of your kid and make the most of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To shake that feeling, realize that your potential 3rd kid could have had significant SN which would have made life for your whole family (especially the older 2) much harder and caused you tremendous financial strain.

Perhaps you mean well, but what an offensive sentiment. SN children are loved just as much and just as much worth it.

DP here. I've definitely had parents tell me they sometimes think they should have stopped sooner, for various reasons, SN among them, mental health challenges, etc. It's an honest and normal feeling.

Anonymous wrote:To shake that feeling, realize that your potential 3rd kid could have had significant SN which would have made life for your whole family (especially the older 2) much harder and caused you tremendous financial strain.

Perhaps you mean well, but what an offensive sentiment. SN children are loved just as much and just as much worth it.

Seek that therapy asap

It is a totally valid and normal feeling. It is also totally valid and normal to feel totally overwhelmed and sometimes regretful about that “one last” baby. All our choices are made to balance tradeoffs between good things and bad things, and wherever you are is a mixture of both good and bad. But you wouldn’t have the specific good things you have if you didn’t also have the specific bad. It’s okay to grieve and feel sad about the parts that are hard. But you need to come to the place of accepting them and enjoying the things that are wonderful.

You need to get your sh*t together, yes. Also, you forgot to mention that we don't get everything we want in life. We are surrounded now by influencers and reality "stars" showing off everything they have and between that and social media where everyone shows off things they have, it seems like everyone has everything they want.

But everyone doesn't get everything they want, and it's important to be grateful for what you've got and focus on that. You can mourn what you wish you had, but mourning periods need to end. You need to have an end point, so you can enjoy what you've got.

Anonymous wrote:I think almost every woman who is under capacity kids-wise goes through this. At some point, you have your last kid and you’re sad about it.

I had the experience of being logically sure I was done with kids and I STILL grieved over not having more. I think it’s a combo of hormones, passing through a stage of life you probably looked forward to since you were a girl yourself, and of course the ticking clock. You’re getting older.

My prescription is to find things to do that you want to do. You had 2 instead of three. You have more resources now (time and money). What do you want to do with those resources to enjoy your time on earth with your two kids?

Agree. You either feel you “could” have had one more or your feel you probably should have stopped one sooner. Either way of thinking is a waste of time. Try to enjoy the family you have.

I think almost every woman who is under capacity kids-wise goes through this. At some point, you have your last kid and you’re sad about it.

I had the experience of being logically sure I was done with kids and I STILL grieved over not having more. I think it’s a combo of hormones, passing through a stage of life you probably looked forward to since you were a girl yourself, and of course the ticking clock. You’re getting older.

My prescription is to find things to do that you want to do. You had 2 instead of three. You have more resources now (time and money). What do you want to do with those resources to enjoy your time on earth with your two kids?

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need to put greater effort into other things, not examining your feelings.

+1

This is one of those situations where therapy is precisely NOT the answer. Get out of your head - there is no problem here. Lean into your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to grieve the life you wanted but did not end up with, for whatever reason. You really can’t come to a point of peace until you let yourself grieve imo

Op - is there a deliberate way to do that?

I’ve been doing a fair amount of crying recently so I suppose that constitutes grieving

You are just sad the “little kid era” of your life is over. It’s the end of a season and it’s normal to be wistful. They aren’t little cuddly lap sitters any more. That’s what you are feeling and you’d feel it even if you had a third, who would also have grown up at some point.

Op, you need to put greater effort into other things, not examining your feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are a little older than yours. I feel like I grieved that already because I didn’t want a big age gap with kids and just decided to move forward. I will say now my kids are teens, I’m glad I stopped at 2. Things are much busier these days and I don’t think I could have given as much quality time to 3 kids. I can put a lot of focus on my 2. I also have a friend who has a really hard time with her third - to the point it makes her life so much more difficult. So sometimes if you get 2 great kids, just try to be happy with that.

It is interesting how often it’s the last kid that requires an outsized amount of the parents time, money and energy. I don’t have stats on this but it sure feels that way. I can think of several families where they had “just one more kid” and this became true.

I have 4 and it’s my second , now 11.5, who has been our most challenging. Our fourth required speech therapy and has developmental delays, but my second. Oof. He ran away last year, talked of suicide, was deeply affected by a mass shooting in our area and we rearranged our whole lives to address this - therapies, homeschooling and eventually moving states.

I used to obsess about the kids we weren’t having. The people who wouldn’t be there for Thanksgiving in 20 years but then I realized I could do that infinitely and leaned into the kids I did have and I realized that it’s hard and 18 years is a long time and even after 18 years you are still parenting and made peace with the fact that two was my limit and I did an amazing job with them. Not sure I could have done as well with more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to grieve the life you wanted but did not end up with, for whatever reason. You really can’t come to a point of peace until you let yourself grieve imo

Op - is there a deliberate way to do that?

I’ve been doing a fair amount of crying recently so I suppose that constitutes grieving

This doesn't sound healthy at all. Your feelings really are not valid -- you should seek therapy to understand how to reframe your outlook. Maybe some medicine can help.

You know what they say, life is what happens when you're making other plans.