It’s his bachelor pad sounds like a great idea regardless if you stay together or not.
If he had that much money and doesn’t care about it tied up in RE, why not ?
Not sure what OP’s concern is

Yeah, the compartmentalization does seem like it couldn't last for 10+ years. I'm not familiar with divorce, but I'm surprised the conventional wisdom on blending is that it's so bad that parents shouldn't remarry or get serious until all their kids are 18+.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been together 18+ months and haven’t even met the others children?

I’d tell him he can buy whatever he wants. Don’t mingle finances with this person.

Yep, intentionally because our kids all went through major transitions with the divorces.

DP. I'm the "compartmentalization" poster from upthread.

The issue here is that you are essentially living two separate lives. That's why this PP is shocked your kids haven't met this guy. You are serious enough about him that you are considering entering into a situation where you essentially live together when your kids are with your respective exes. Yet you have never met the most important people in one another's lives -- your kids. I get why you have avoided this, but it's insane. And at the same time, the two of you are creating a relationship with each other that seems to be of increasing importance to both of you, enough that you are semi-moving in together, and yet your children have never met him.

Do your kids know he exists? Do they know what you guys do when they aren't around? Will they know about this apartment in the city where you spend half your time? How do they feel about you having what is essentially a separate life from them where they almost don't exist?

Also, what happens if you are living your life with this man, in this apartment he's set up for you to share, and one of your children has a medical emergency while your ex has custody? You will of course rush to be near your child's side. Will your boyfriend come with you to support you, which would be normal and appropriate? Or will they stay behind to let you deal with your child's injury/illness and your ex on your own, to maintain this wall between your two lives?

Or this one: what if YOU are injured or fall ill? Will you still maintain perfect separateness between your boyfriend and your children? How?

To be perfectly honest, my recommendation in a situation like this would be for you not to date anyone seriously during this transition time for your kids, until things are settled enough with your ex that you can feel secure that your kids would be okay with you meeting and dating someone you might have long term potential with.

I think you are trying to have your cake and eat it, too, and it's either going to fizzle out or blow up spectacularly. Some small chance you eventually meet each others kids and blend (for better or worse). But there is absolutely no way that you basically move in with this guy, continue to keep your life with your kids 100% separate, stay together, but never blend your families at all. There is 0% likelihood of that outcome. It will not work.

Anonymous wrote:You’ve been together 18+ months and haven’t even met the others children?

I’d tell him he can buy whatever he wants. Don’t mingle finances with this person.

Yep, intentionally because our kids all went through major transitions with the divorces.

You’ve been together 18+ months and haven’t even met the others children?

I’d tell him he can buy whatever he wants. Don’t mingle finances with this person.

Anonymous wrote:Let him buy it if he wants. It won’t be a bad investment. But also, you’ve only been together for 1.5 years. And you don’t see each other constantly. So… realize a lot changes. You’re absolutely right to not blend the families as that’s almost invariably a disaster for the kids, especially as they approach middle school. Your relationship will last longer and be happier if you make life easy for yourselves when you’re together, but enjoy your time apart. Focus on your kids when you aren’t together as you are. You sound like a great mom. Curious why your marriages fell apart when you’re still relatively young? Have both of you done the work?

My ex was seeing prostitutes on business trips for multiple years (including during my pregnancies ugh) while at home we were having sex 2x a week, happy, and loving even by his account. I could not get over the betrayals and health risks he imposed on me and our unborn babies who were not easy to conceive. Or the financial betrayal along with that as we were strapped during the daycare years. I was giving myself and kids haircuts, buying second hand clothes, and cooking dinner 7 nights a week to save money while he was spending on that. I have done biweekly therapy regularly since my best friend died when I was 20yo and I ended up finding so much value in therapy that I continued throughout my college years, building career years, trying to conceive, transitioning to motherhood, and then the divorce.
Boyfriend's ex left him for a female coworker. He did 2.5 years of weekly therapy while he was trying to figure out and fix the disconnect in his marriage (spoiler alert: closeted orientations can't be fixed) and subsequently throughout the dissolution process.

Let him buy it if he wants. It won’t be a bad investment. But also, you’ve only been together for 1.5 years. And you don’t see each other constantly. So… realize a lot changes. You’re absolutely right to not blend the families as that’s almost invariably a disaster for the kids, especially as they approach middle school. Your relationship will last longer and be happier if you make life easy for yourselves when you’re together, but enjoy your time apart. Focus on your kids when you aren’t together as you are. You sound like a great mom. Curious why your marriages fell apart when you’re still relatively young? Have both of you done the work?

First ^

Anonymous wrote:If he’s buying a place in the city that you can share when you don’t have your kids, what is there to think about? What is the question?

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think longterm this relationship won't work, but if short term he wants to buy/rent a condo downtown for you guys to live in during kid free days so you can have more fun and enjoy life more, sure, cool, that sounds nice. Enjoy it while it lasts.

There is no way the level of compartmentalization you are currently doing is going to work long term, especially given the age of your children (10+ more years of parenting for both of you, your kids will only get more opinionated and challenging from here on out), and the apparent dysfunction with each of your respective exes.

This is the opposite of what dcum always preaches - never blend, it's selfish and at the expense of the kids, they'll be SAed by their stepdad or step brothers, they'll lose out financially

Or Strangled to death on their fist Stepper family cruise

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think longterm this relationship won't work, but if short term he wants to buy/rent a condo downtown for you guys to live in during kid free days so you can have more fun and enjoy life more, sure, cool, that sounds nice. Enjoy it while it lasts.

There is no way the level of compartmentalization you are currently doing is going to work long term, especially given the age of your children (10+ more years of parenting for both of you, your kids will only get more opinionated and challenging from here on out), and the apparent dysfunction with each of your respective exes.

This is the opposite of what dcum always preaches - never blend, it's selfish and at the expense of the kids, they'll be SAed by their stepdad or step brothers, they'll lose out financially

DP but how is it the opposite? If anything your posts harmonize fine. By putting their “together” time in a third place it’s far LESS blending.

You sound bitter that people raise (valid) risks to you and are projecting onto this situation.

Anonymous wrote:I think longterm this relationship won't work, but if short term he wants to buy/rent a condo downtown for you guys to live in during kid free days so you can have more fun and enjoy life more, sure, cool, that sounds nice. Enjoy it while it lasts.

There is no way the level of compartmentalization you are currently doing is going to work long term, especially given the age of your children (10+ more years of parenting for both of you, your kids will only get more opinionated and challenging from here on out), and the apparent dysfunction with each of your respective exes.

This is the opposite of what dcum always preaches - never blend, it's selfish and at the expense of the kids, they'll be SAed by their stepdad or step brothers, they'll lose out financially

Anonymous wrote:Only if he has a lot of money. He probably has wanted to invest in real estate for some time. Nobody is buying right now and definitely not for those reasons. He can buy whatever he wants, wherever he wants.
Not sure why you think it's for you too somehow. Don't think you will be the only woman there.
Both of you sound like you are on cloud nine right now.

+1

He is buying a place and lets you have some input.
I don’t see why not, as long as you don’t get too attached to the idea of a hike together and don’t spend your own money on it, as well as more time and effort than you prefer.

OP states he’s buying it. A kid-free pied-a-terre. Sounds wonderful! Go for it!