Had a frenemie in law school who became an enemy. She started dating the guy she knew full well I liked. I was struggling with my weight and she was skinny and pretty. She had what I call the "curling iron gene" -- one of those women who seems to just automatically know how to do their hair and makeup with ease, and knows what to wear. I hated her for taking this guy. Then we were in competition for a leadership position on law review -- someone I really respected pushed her for it, but she didn't want to do it so she took herself out of the running, and then I didn't get that position either. I became kind of obsessed with hating her and turned the guy against her. What can I say, I was young.

I'm a partner at a firm now, and she hasn't practiced for years, but I still feel less than compared to her. She posts pictures of herself with her husband on vacation or with her horse, and is as pretty as ever, and it stings every time I stalk her page and see how pretty she still is. Every time I tell myself I won't look at it again, but then six months later I do. I know this is messed up.

Oh, I’ve absolutely had a rival like that. The kind where you’re technically on the same “team,” but somehow you spend half your life trying not to strangle each other. My brother.

We grew up in the same house, same parents, same everything, and from day one it felt like the universe tossed us into a lifelong contest neither of us ever agreed to but both of us refused to lose. He was loud, volcanic, absolutely convinced he was a genius whose only problem was the world being too slow to catch up. I was sharper in different ways. I was a little more controlled, a little more strategic, a little too good at poking the exact spot that would set him off.

It wasn’t simple bickering. It was full-on rivalry as a lifestyle choice. If he took center stage, I’d immediately start plotting how to prove I didn’t need it. If I came up with an idea, he’d find a way to twist it into an insult. We could create absolute magic together one minute and be hurling metaphorical chairs at each other the next. People would ask if we actually hated each other, and honestly? Some days I wasn’t sure myself.

But beneath all the chaos and shouting and door-slamming, the truth was that we were two stubborn, sensitive kids who never learned how to share oxygen. And the family watching us didn’t help. The more people fed into the drama, the more we played our parts. He became the wild one. I became the cold one. And the rivalry just…calcified.

So yes, I’ve had a nemesis. I grew up with him. And nothing teaches you about ego, pride, loyalty, and the fine art of barely-contained resentment quite like being locked in a lifelong duel with someone who shares your childhood, your talent, and your DNA.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a college nemesis and we pretty much ended up in the same place in life, on different sides of the country. It’s quite a boring story but we have not been in touch in decades (and only once since college when we showed up at a mutual friend’s wedding reception). Another “nemesis” was a girl who lightly bullied me in high school because she thought i was trying to take power from her in her afterschool club. I looked her up recently and she is a very, very successful CFO at a Fortune 500 company. That one stung. Welp.

I think to become successful in the C-suite at a Fortune 500, you have to be somewhat cutthroat. You have to be both cutthroat and have great social skills/ability to gladhand. Especially for women, who don't get the same benefit of the doubt as men and therefore have to be essentially manipulative in order to compete without making people hate you.

So I would assume you were one of many rivals this woman had in the course of her life and career, and think how miserable it must be to live like that.

I’m the pp — thanks for the words of comfort. I’m not at all surprised that she became so successful, but it still stung a bit. she has a husband of decades but no kids, which didn’t exactly make me feel better but did lessen the sting just a tad. I’m sure that’s the life she wanted. On a related note, sometimes I’ll clearly see the future for some of my DD’s mean-girl elementary school and middle school friends, and they will be future C-Suite execs too. Some personalities are just cut throat, it’s innate!

Anonymous wrote:I'll bite.
In high school a girl I knew always liked the same nerdy, quiet guys I liked. She was super perky and extroverted and always won out. I found her overflowing confidence unbearable.
After high school she moved in with my best friend when I went off to college and they waitressed together. They ended up becoming best friends and I was sidelined.
Every time I go home to see my childhood best friend she is there, like a thorn in my side. She makes constant little digs at me. She ended up marrying some rich guy, lives in a mansion and doesn't work. Childhood best friend is having health problems and she's knocking herself out to help and implying I could do more. I guess I could but I can't stand coordinating with her.

That sounds incredibly annoying, PP. I am team you.

It would have been so painful to watch her become close to your bestie. I once had a workplace rival who befriended by best work friend and eventually my friend ditched me entirely. It wasn't a childhood BFF so it was different, and in retrospect she wasn't a very good friend at all (she became so nasty to me and it made me realize how petty and shallow she'd always been) but the feeling of rejection/being replaced by someone I really didn't like still stung like a mofo.

I'll bite.
In high school a girl I knew always liked the same nerdy, quiet guys I liked. She was super perky and extroverted and always won out. I found her overflowing confidence unbearable.
After high school she moved in with my best friend when I went off to college and they waitressed together. They ended up becoming best friends and I was sidelined.
Every time I go home to see my childhood best friend she is there, like a thorn in my side. She makes constant little digs at me. She ended up marrying some rich guy, lives in a mansion and doesn't work. Childhood best friend is having health problems and she's knocking herself out to help and implying I could do more. I guess I could but I can't stand coordinating with her.

I have an unwanted nemesis. She positioned herself in competition with me years ago and I have repeatedly made life choices to get away from her and avoid the competition and she repeatedly chooses to pull closer again. It is ridiculous. I would love to just never hear this woman's name again for the rest of my life, and instead I'll be living my life, minding my own business, and there she is.

The real question is why are some people like this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a college nemesis and we pretty much ended up in the same place in life, on different sides of the country. It’s quite a boring story but we have not been in touch in decades (and only once since college when we showed up at a mutual friend’s wedding reception). Another “nemesis” was a girl who lightly bullied me in high school because she thought i was trying to take power from her in her afterschool club. I looked her up recently and she is a very, very successful CFO at a Fortune 500 company. That one stung. Welp.

I think to become successful in the C-suite at a Fortune 500, you have to be somewhat cutthroat. You have to be both cutthroat and have great social skills/ability to gladhand. Especially for women, who don't get the same benefit of the doubt as men and therefore have to be essentially manipulative in order to compete without making people hate you.

So I would assume you were one of many rivals this woman had in the course of her life and career, and think how miserable it must be to live like that.

There are some exceptions, but this is common yes. The good leaders are good at managing up and down. The bad leaders- and there are many- are mostly just good at managing up. Often eventually their poor overall management styles catches up with them, but it can take years.

Yes, a number of them, at different points in my life. Nothing too serious, but all were good motivators for me.

Middle school- a kid who I used to battle with (in my head mostly) for the top scores. He's now a doctor who does immunology research and posts pics of his partner and him eating at fine dining restaurants on Facebook.

Friend/frenemy who I had a falling out with, but who was very smart and motivated and I tried to keep up with her. Not sure what she's doing now but something corporate.

Currently- sort of my boss. He's a total show boat and keeps all the high profile work for himself, and puts others down in front of higher ups. I can't match his show boat style, but I do find subtle, but politically appropriate, ways to challenge him when I can.

Anonymous wrote:I had a college nemesis and we pretty much ended up in the same place in life, on different sides of the country. It’s quite a boring story but we have not been in touch in decades (and only once since college when we showed up at a mutual friend’s wedding reception). Another “nemesis” was a girl who lightly bullied me in high school because she thought i was trying to take power from her in her afterschool club. I looked her up recently and she is a very, very successful CFO at a Fortune 500 company. That one stung. Welp.

I think to become successful in the C-suite at a Fortune 500, you have to be somewhat cutthroat. You have to be both cutthroat and have great social skills/ability to gladhand. Especially for women, who don't get the same benefit of the doubt as men and therefore have to be essentially manipulative in order to compete without making people hate you.

So I would assume you were one of many rivals this woman had in the course of her life and career, and think how miserable it must be to live like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My main intermittent best friend also rival from prep school is now a sitting US senator.

I'm sitting here on my sofa at close to noon on a Tuesday still in my robe and slippers with an open bottle of wine and I haven't showered in a few days.

Tell us Moore about Shelley. Did you see this for her then?

Weird as I read this as being two men.

DP, but most of the people I know who wear robe and slippers are women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My main intermittent best friend also rival from prep school is now a sitting US senator.

I'm sitting here on my sofa at close to noon on a Tuesday still in my robe and slippers with an open bottle of wine and I haven't showered in a few days.

Tell us Moore about Shelley. Did you see this for her then?

Weird as I read this as being two men.

I had a college nemesis and we pretty much ended up in the same place in life, on different sides of the country. It’s quite a boring story but we have not been in touch in decades (and only once since college when we showed up at a mutual friend’s wedding reception). Another “nemesis” was a girl who lightly bullied me in high school because she thought i was trying to take power from her in her afterschool club. I looked her up recently and she is a very, very successful CFO at a Fortune 500 company. That one stung. Welp.

I had a nemesis. I may still have her, hard to say. I'm no longer in direct competition with her but her presence lingers around the edge of my life in annoying ways.

I didn't go looking for the rivalry, she kind of brought it to me, but I definitely embraced it and even escalated it, I have to admit. She shot first, and it injured my pride. I wasn't mature or secure enough not to take the bait. It evolved from there.

I know she viewed me as a rival too because she kind of set it up that way. However, I think she was surprised by how I responded, and believed that we would be friends and rivals simultaneously. I think that seemed normal to her and that she's likely had "frenemies" before. But I'm not built that way and instead of being frenemies, we just became enemies.

What it a friendly rivalry or did you dislike each other? Were you friends before or after?
- We were coworkers, and I thought we were friends as she had been childhood friends with my younger sister. It turned out for the year she was working at our organization, she was constantly telling the higher ups that I was incompetent and hostile.

How did it end?
- It turned out she was the incompetent one and dropped the ball regularly on major projects which upset important clients. She was given the option of being demoted or fired. She was ultimately fired.

Do you think they considered you their rival/nemesis or was it more one sided?
- I didn't know she was trying to place the blame for all her errors on me until HR questioned me in the process of demoting/firing her.

Do you think the rivalry made you better in any way or were you worse off for it? Why?
- It made me better. I learned some people are crazy and to not trust everyone even if you have a history with them, socialize with them, and they seem like a chummy coworker.

Anonymous wrote:My main intermittent best friend also rival from prep school is now a sitting US senator.

I'm sitting here on my sofa at close to noon on a Tuesday still in my robe and slippers with an open bottle of wine and I haven't showered in a few days.

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