Anonymous wrote:There’s a difference between being a “drama llama” and sharing what’s going on in our lives. There’s absolutely zero drama in my relationship with my best friend, but when we catch up in the midst of our busy lives, she’ll share stories (just an example) about a difficult employee (which is equal parts venting, laughter and advice) and I’ll share about my child’s sometimes bumpy transition to college, etc - but we’re both interested and it’s always balanced; our communication is healthy and loving. Friendships that are just surface have their place in my life, for sure but with my closest friends, we can go deep. And that’s different from “drama.”

+100. People here seem to have a difficult time understanding that sharing their problems and vulnerability is not dramatic… the drama friend is an entirely different beast

^just to add…we’re in our 50’s now but we were friends in our 20s, and there was plenty of drama back then with our various relationships, growing pains, etc - but those days are over, lol. I mean, in recent years we’ve lost loved ones, have had health issues, etc - and support each other through it, but again - no drama, no burden or drain.

There’s a difference between being a “drama llama” and sharing what’s going on in our lives. There’s absolutely zero drama in my relationship with my best friend, but when we catch up in the midst of our busy lives, she’ll share stories (just an example) about a difficult employee (which is equal parts venting, laughter and advice) and I’ll share about my child’s sometimes bumpy transition to college, etc - but we’re both interested and it’s always balanced; our communication is healthy and loving. Friendships that are just surface have their place in my life, for sure but with my closest friends, we can go deep. And that’s different from “drama.”

Anonymous wrote:No. We worked all that crap out in our 20's and are now handling ourselves with grace.

What does this mean?

No. We worked all that crap out in our 20's and are now handling ourselves with grace.

Yes, I do. I don’t mind.

Honestly, I’d rather talk about the real things that are going on in someone’s life than politics or celebrities.

I don’t just want to sit around silent with someone, I’d rather talk. But I’m old so…

Anybody in constant crisis is going to fall off my radar. I don't have the energy or bandwidth for all of that and the people who always have a 12-alarm fire going are generally dramatic and draining.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am probably on the needier dramatic side of things after reading OP’s posts. I have had a hard life starting with birth, I am adopted and had abusive parents. I go to a therapist now but for a long time I thought my friends would stay the same as they were in high school and college, when we would actually engage and listen to each other. I didn’t grow up with a lot of EQ training or empathetic parents. It took me awhile of friends becoming kind of mean to realize what some friends consider normal friendship and sharing our internal struggles about life, others consider drama or neediness. The ones who consider it drama I notice are kind of status-oriented and externally focused, so maybe they don’t like to share anything about themselves and have an issue with vulnerability. Anyway, I’ve learned my lessons and only share with my therapist, my partner, and friends who can handle real life now.

This is really interesting observation, I've noticed this too but never articulated it. I have a lot of problems that I talk through with friends and the ones who seem to consider it drama instead of just real life and real things happening, are into status and external validation like the PP said.

You sound like my mother.
She was always trauma dumping on us kids from a young age. She is a perpetual victim even though she has done terrible things to her family. When I was young, I felt like I needed to save her. Well, it's been several decades and there is no saving her because she needs to be the star of her victim show. All the major events of her children's lives was kind of distant background noise to her.

Maybe it is because of my experience as her child that I tend not to over-share. I will mention something once to a friends but that's all because - 1. there's usually nothing I can do about the problem 2. it's really not their problem. I would only mention it to give context to certain decisions or outcomes. Sometimes they remember later on, sometimes not. But that's OK. They have stuff going on too. I try to be an ear for them as well.
We are all doing the best we can. I know I have much to be thankful for so who am I to be a drama llama?

My best friend has always struggled with depression. My interactions with her almost always turn into sad conversations about the state of the world, or her complaining about her job (when she has one) or lack of (when she doesn't). She will describe minute details of past interactions that I personally don't feel warrants such agonies... except that she takes all of them very much to heart and it brings her down.

I always listen, because she's also a really nice, supportive person when I have issues of my own. But it's strange to always be in this cycle with her, when my conversations with other friends are always much more upbeat and positive. And some of these friends have terrible health problems or other life events, so it's not like they have objectively happier lives.

Lots of husband issues but not in a position financially or emotionally to leave.

Anonymous wrote:I am probably on the needier dramatic side of things after reading OP’s posts. I have had a hard life starting with birth, I am adopted and had abusive parents. I go to a therapist now but for a long time I thought my friends would stay the same as they were in high school and college, when we would actually engage and listen to each other. I didn’t grow up with a lot of EQ training or empathetic parents. It took me awhile of friends becoming kind of mean to realize what some friends consider normal friendship and sharing our internal struggles about life, others consider drama or neediness. The ones who consider it drama I notice are kind of status-oriented and externally focused, so maybe they don’t like to share anything about themselves and have an issue with vulnerability. Anyway, I’ve learned my lessons and only share with my therapist, my partner, and friends who can handle real life now.

This is really interesting observation, I've noticed this too but never articulated it. I have a lot of problems that I talk through with friends and the ones who seem to consider it drama instead of just real life and real things happening, are into status and external validation like the PP said.

I am probably on the needier dramatic side of things after reading OP’s posts. I have had a hard life starting with birth, I am adopted and had abusive parents. I go to a therapist now but for a long time I thought my friends would stay the same as they were in high school and college, when we would actually engage and listen to each other. I didn’t grow up with a lot of EQ training or empathetic parents. It took me awhile of friends becoming kind of mean to realize what some friends consider normal friendship and sharing our internal struggles about life, others consider drama or neediness. The ones who consider it drama I notice are kind of status-oriented and externally focused, so maybe they don’t like to share anything about themselves and have an issue with vulnerability. Anyway, I’ve learned my lessons and only share with my therapist, my partner, and friends who can handle real life now.

It doesn't seem strange that this would be the case, since many people in their 50s are dealing with teenagers and their potentially big and dramatic problems, while at the same time dealing with their parents and end of life issues, while they are entering a period where they are themselves no longer young. It's also a stage of life when divorce rates go up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

+1, and I'm a bit older (50s, with kids in college).

Reminder to OP that we grew up with a TELEphone, talking to girlfriends for hours about anything and nothing. For women in my GenX cohort, it's not weird or "dramatic" or codependent to just talk with your mouth (not text) to your friends. On the regular, as an activity.

I accept that the same activity would seem strange perhaps to 19 year olds who cannot look up from their phones.

I grew up talking on the phone too but I had nothing else to do. As an adult with many other things going on, I don’t want to talk to a needy friend all the time. I would have expected them to grow up by now

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

At age 50, when most of us have partners and work too, I would find a friend who needed to have frequent talks for advice rather childish.