Anonymous wrote:My mother died two months ago.

She told my youngest sister "vile" things I did.

Nope, never happened.

Now my sister, who by the way hated my mother for 40 years and felt a year ago she should "let go of her anger" and work to make a better relationship with our mother. Which, by the way, more of my sister being a narcissist and torturing my mother. During those 40 years, I supported my sister emotionally, and it was not easy, but she was my youngest sister, and I knew she had mental problems.

Fast forward, now my sister believes my mother, who lied.

I can even prove my mother lied because she wrote me a letter to tell me she was going to.

Luckily, I have a great family, in-laws, and fabulous friends.

I’m sorry PP. My XH told my parents lies about me and they believed them. I spent too long trying to prove to them that he lied and instead now I am just learning to let go. We are no contact. Anyone who supposedly loves you would give you enough benefit of the doubt to at least ask what really happened.

I'm sure you raising a teen is exactly the reason your feelings have resurfaced. It's very common. Once we have kids the ages most hurt was done, I think it's the disbelief at how nasty a mother can be towards a defenseless child. I'm looking at my own teen: awkward, needing support and appreciation, fluctuating self-esteem and all that... like how hard is it to simply love this child? They're still looking up to us and if we do something horrible, it will hurt them. A lot. A lot of abusive parents ramp up the abuse in teen years, maybe it's their last ditch effort before the kid leaves for good and never looks back. I also had horrible teen years, while being a straight A student and an athlete. I was doing my homework in the bathroom to get some quiet. I cannot imagine doing any of what I had to endure to my own teen.

I would recommend reading books on the mother wound. It is normal to still struggle with anger even after death. Even though others may have wounded us, the emotions become ours and still require processing and release.

Anonymous wrote:Had one POS parent, dropped contact and recently found out they died. Totally fine with this. No therapy necessary. Happy to not have any surprise contact.

+1

What helped me was
-realizing that she was mentally ill, she didn’t just hate me;
-finding pleasure in the thought that she is finally dead and is unable to complicate my life anymore;
- my goal wasn’t to forgive, it was to get rid of any feelings towards her. Now I am not mad, I am just glad she finally isn’t here. I hope she has a better afterlife than she had her main life which was mostly shitty.

Yes, the pros call it complicated grief.

Anonymous wrote:Wow! God equalizes everything - but you can never win. It is two sides of the same coin.

If your parents were amazing - you live your life with the fear of losing them and don't recover when they are gone.

If your parents were POS - you have a terrible time with them but you don't suffer when they are gone.

Which would you choose?

This is a facile comparison. Your parents can be amazing and you can whole-heartedly grieve them and recover. And they can be POS who leave marks on you that cause suffering that is not in any way diminished by their deaths.

So there is no choice like the one you are playing gotcha with here.