Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight - instead of inviting this mom to coffee you are posting here and wondering why she doesn’t get therapy?

Correct.

I feel the need to #notallroommoms this because seriously -- they aren't all like this! We are the new family at my DC's school this year and the room mom has been nothing but welcoming, communicative, and kind. And has helped organize some class wide playdates and activities to help the new families meet people. If she has noticed us looking awkward at events or struggling to make friends (I don't know if we look like this or not, we don't have any class friends yet but I don't view that as a big deal), her response has been to be welcoming and helpful, not openly judgmental.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you go introduce yourself and say hi? Good lord.

People are different, you can choose to be welcoming.

Cue all the idiots to say that nobody owes this new family any kindness, friendship, or even conversation. Just “get therapy” if you’re not immediately the belle of the ball. Nice, OP. The mother told you she was struggling and what did you do? Stalk her and write a post criticizing her for creating her own problems. Look in the mirror, OP.

OP's detailed description of this woman and her husband at a school social event made me so sad. First because OP bothered to notice all that but did nothing about it. But also because it's a very common situation for parents -- the dad is a bit avoidant and doesn't know how to try in new social situations so retreats into his phone, the mom puts in more effort but has no help from her partner and people are standoffish. I've been in that precise situation with my husband and it's frustrating because if her husband came around with her, people still might not be receptive but at least she wouldn't be alone.

Anyway, if I saw a family in that situation, I would go up and befriend the mom because I totally get it, and I'd also suggest my husband go talk to the dad because they sound similar. The last thing I'd do is silently observe them and then later when she told me she was having trouble meeting people, think "ugh just go see a therapist." But I'm not a total B.

They can be introverts and there is nothing wrong with that.

OP get a grip or a job or something

So let me get this straight - instead of inviting this mom to coffee you are posting here and wondering why she doesn’t get therapy?

Anonymous wrote:You said that at parent night she interacted with people at first. My guess is, she worked up the courage to approach a few groups and was received politely, but no one actively included her so she felt awkward and retreated to the safety of her husband/phone. If you really wanted to help, you could have talked to her and walked her around to introduce her to everyone. But no one wants to do that either.

This, you watched OP, but did not act friendly, just judged?

Anonymous wrote:OP, why haven’t you sought therapy to understand why you’re such a busy body? Or maybe to explore your motivations for becoming the class mom?

I can't believe you're suggesting therapy for someone who did walk around the room and talk to people.

Are you unfamiliar with the snap judgments people make about whether they want to get to know a new person better?

That is just life. Therapy is not needed.

OP, how do you know this mom doesn't already see a therapist? What do you think therapy is for? How do you think it works? Have you ever done therapy?

This family has an acute problem of being at a new school and it taking time to make connections. Sure, if this is very upsetting to her she might seek out therapy. She might also already be in therapy for a variety of other perfectly normal reasons and might also discuss how the new school stuff is going and making her feel.

But therapy is not going to solve this particular problem. At most, it will help her process any negative feelings coming up as a result. But it won't get rid of those negative feelings. The fact that she's struggling to make connections at the school is not a mental health problem -- it's a practical problem with joining a school community with an older child and people not always being that interested in developing connections with the new family. And the fact that she feels isolated as a result is also not a mental health problem -- it's a totally normal response to being an outsider struggling to make connections. The very fact that she felt comfortable identifying these challenges to you when you asked indicate that she's actually in a perfectly good mental health space, is okay being honest about the challenge and revealing a vulnerability to another person. This all seems normal and healthy to me.

I also think it's fascinating that you see a family struggling somewhat (it honestly doesn't sound like they are struggling horribly, just feeling slightly awkward and don't have any friends yet, it's November so this seems fine) and you recognize she needs some kind of help, but your first thought is for her to consult a professional outside your community to fix whatever is apparently wrong with her. Babe, the support that would be most useful to her would come from INSIDE the community. Like maybe, I don't know just spitballing here, the room mom in her child's class could recognize a family is being left out and make some introductions, or schedule a class playdate, or even just reach out to this mom once or twice to say "hey a lot of 2nd grade parents enroll their kids in this day off camp, wanted to make sure you're in the loop" or similar.

You have so much more opportunity to help this mom with this problem than a therapist would, but you can't even see it.

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you go introduce yourself and say hi? Good lord.

People are different, you can choose to be welcoming.

Cue all the idiots to say that nobody owes this new family any kindness, friendship, or even conversation. Just “get therapy” if you’re not immediately the belle of the ball. Nice, OP. The mother told you she was struggling and what did you do? Stalk her and write a post criticizing her for creating her own problems. Look in the mirror, OP.

Anonymous wrote:You are the worst type of room mom.

Glad most of us had the same reaction.

Because moms are judgmental and rude. Pretty easy if there are cliques ar school too

Anonymous wrote:You said that at parent night she interacted with people at first. My guess is, she worked up the courage to approach a few groups and was received politely, but no one actively included her so she felt awkward and retreated to the safety of her husband/phone. If you really wanted to help, you could have talked to her and walked her around to introduce her to everyone. But no one wants to do that either.

This. This happens to me a lot, and I see it happen a lot when there's a group of existing friends. Nobody asks the newcomer about herself or seems curious. It's then very awkward to stand there while everyone talks about "remember the time that Larla...".

Anonymous wrote:You are the worst type of room mom.

For real. No one assigned you as the class therapist. Buy some Kleenex and Lysol wipes and MYOB

Why don't you go introduce yourself and say hi? Good lord.

People are different, you can choose to be welcoming.

You said that at parent night she interacted with people at first. My guess is, she worked up the courage to approach a few groups and was received politely, but no one actively included her so she felt awkward and retreated to the safety of her husband/phone. If you really wanted to help, you could have talked to her and walked her around to introduce her to everyone. But no one wants to do that either.