DC is passionate about becoming a pilot, so we weaned off meds and started cognitive therapy in middle school. He's doing okay in high school - not taking any difficult classes because he doesn't need AP or honors-level classes to get into most college aviation programs. He knows he'll have to submit grades to the FAA when he applies for his medical to prove that he doesn't have any ongoing ADHD symptoms, so he tries. We have a writing tutor. He's very motivated to become a pilot and stay off meds. That said, mornings are still super hard, and I really have to regulate his devices, and I don't let him see friends if he has a grade lower than a B in any class or assignment, and I don't know that he could get through English or social science courses without the tutor's help. But it seems to be working.

A shift in perspective helps too. For us understanding that it was ADHD and what that really means helped a lot. Now we didn't focus on syptomatic events as misbhaving or willfully breaking rules. That prevented the power stuggle too.

Instead we identified specific problems together, talked about how it might be symptomatic, and how we might solve those problems and work toward eliminating them. It became about teaching and learning together how to overcome the hurdles.

We used outside resources and reference materials a lot so that neither the problem ID nor solution was coming entirely from parents. And having learned that many people with ADHD do best when they have created their own workarounds, we let the child try the first solution and take ownership of it while helping them implement.

One example, staying focused on homework to get it done. Their brains go at their own paces, so sometiems hyperfocus kicks in and it gets done fast and well; other times the mind wonders and time slips away withhout them realizing it is happening. So we check in during homework every 20 minutes to watch progress. When it was clear TO HIM he was off track (Do you think 3 math problems in 20 minutes is relfecting your understanding of the material here, is this pac eabout right fo rthe complexityof the problems, or is your sense of time messing with you?) Let him name the problem because that points you in the direction of a solution - not a problem they are just complex maths that take time, see the teacher to reinforce content, get a tutor, phone a classmate for help, or use a time focus tool).

Nearly always it was the latter. So, discuss options you found in books previously (take a walk to get the body mind connection back on track; use a shorter timer to help redirect; set the visual clock, swithc to a differnt assignment for now to get out of the rut and refocus the brain, get a high protein snack; etc.) and let him choose the solution. Promise to check in in 20 minutes to see if it is working. Rinse and repeat.

Now in college, he has a built in way to determine when he's off track, an arsenal of tools to use when it happens, and I'm happy ot say, he's doing it. But it took years to develop these skills, and sometimes he falls down; but when he does, it's with understanding the why, and he gives himself grace to pick up and try again or try something new.

Anonymous wrote:Also, agree with the PPs disagreeing with the no electornics approach for older kids like this. Screen hygiene, yes; no screens? No.

NP here. We don't have a turnaround story yet. But I have a feeling that turnaround stories don't exist without screen hygiene. I can't think of any ADHD-related difficulty that excessive screen use doesn't exacerbate. And teens with ADHD are at a much higher risk of excessive screen use. Taking away electronics PP might have the wrong prescription, but the diagnosis is not wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won’t have a success story unless you take away all electronics and get more involved in his life. A computer should not be raining your child.

* reigning.
Taking away electronics isnt a great way to get a teenager, nevermind an adhd teenager, to feel closer to you.

I think it was meant to be *training.

Also, agree with the PPs disagreeing with the no electornics approach for older kids like this. Screen hygiene, yes; no screens? No.

First, they have to use them for school in most cases, so you have to help them learn not to be distracted by them -- this is hard but vital work. Do not expect "setting a rule" about it to be enough. ADHD brains don't work that way. You have to work at it together for 90 days to make it a habit.

Second, its not like taking away a computer solves the ADHD problem. Watching a squirrel out the window or rearranging the pens on your desk, serves the same purpose. So you still have the same problem of procrastination, task avoidance, lost time, hyperfocus on the "wrong" thing, etc.

Third, many ADHD accommodations are on a computler, like digital notes pens, audio assisted readers, and audio note taking, phone/watch alarms/calendars and reminders, and so on. It is essenetial that they learn to habitually use and rely on these supports before they leave for college because creating habits take a long time, and they need help to do it. And that loops back to the first point.

Anonymous wrote:You won’t have a success story unless you take away all electronics and get more involved in his life. A computer should not be raining your child.

* reigning.
Taking away electronics isnt a great way to get a teenager, nevermind an adhd teenager, to feel closer to you.

6:25 and adding that things were the worst when we took away all electronics to try to get to attend school and do work at the advice of once counselor in those grades. It completely backfired and got 1000% worse. He dug in completely and would not get out of bed for days, weeks. A mental eval and new counselor said give it all back and stop the power struggles. We stopped taking things away for school refusal and work refusal and things slowly improved over months. This was with months of working with therapists too. It was a long road.

Taking away everything works with some. Not all.

I can’t even tell you how bad things were in 8th - 9th grade with my son. My old posts are somewhere here and I felt pretty hopeless. He was explosive, angry and had massive school refusal. We had times of medication that all ended badly for different reasons.

He’s 18 now and going to graduate this year. He’s been accepted to a school out of state and will move there.

What helped? Time and maturity. That’s what really helped the most. He had to grow, literally, and he’s a different person. Most of the changes have been in the past year.

He still hates school but likes to work and it’s more of a hands on trade program that he loves. We know he will thrive there.

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest, things got much better when he turned 25. His frontal lobe developed and he stopped fighting with the world. Still working on college, but much more motivated to finish now.

+1 They grow up eventually. DD is a senior in college and freshman year was rough. Didn’t turn in work, didn’t go to class, barely got through it. Sophomore year was a little better. By junior year, she started joining clubs, interning, working, and spending all her extra time at the library. The motivation has to come from within. It takes ADHD kids a few years longer to reach that point. Hang in there - it gets better!

8-10th were the worse for my ADHD daughter. This year she is a junior and I feel like there’s hope.