Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:54     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
OP does she even want a shower or is that something you want? Maybe a baby shower would be more appropriate and useful should they have a baby.

For that matter does she really want a “big wedding” or is that to appease you too?
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:54     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Congratulations on your wedding, OP!

You aren't getting married? Then why do you think you are entitled to any say in any of these things? Wow. Back off.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:53     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh one more thing, should I tell them to send physocal save the date cards or email? EMail is faster but tacky I think?


Neither because it’s not your wedding. If they ask you can voice an opinion but these are adults and this is their wedding. Not yours. You cannot take any decision of theirs personally. If you do you are setting yourself up for drama and disappointment.


This. They're adults. Let them handle everything unless they ask for your opinion.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:53     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
It's plenty of notice for a wedding.

If I were them, I would go to the courthouse and get married now and start trying to get pregnant. Have a wedding / party in June, but that's me.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:53     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You should be focusing more on managing a the expectations of a 45 year old woman who has not previously had children as to her fertility/odds of having a healthy child than the timing of the wedding.


I am sure OP's daughter is aware.


Anyone getting married at 45 and planning a "big summer wedding" is exhibiting some signs of divorce from reality.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:51     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Oh one more thing, should I tell them to send physocal save the date cards or email? EMail is faster but tacky I think?


How about you stay out of it. They are in their 40s! They don't need your input. And 7 months is a ton of notice. Next week and you might have something to complain about. If they want kids they should get married yesterday.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:49     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:You should be focusing more on managing a the expectations of a 45 year old woman who has not previously had children as to her fertility/odds of having a healthy child than the timing of the wedding.


I am sure OP's daughter is aware.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:47     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
You should be focusing more on managing a the expectations of a 45 year old woman who has not previously had children as to her fertility/odds of having a healthy child than the timing of the wedding.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:12     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Oh one more thing, should I tell them to send physocal save the date cards or email? EMail is faster but tacky I think?


Neither because it’s not your wedding. If they ask you can voice an opinion but these are adults and this is their wedding. Not yours. You cannot take any decision of theirs personally. If you do you are setting yourself up for drama and disappointment.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:05     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:If I was 45 and wanting to start a family I'd get married this weekend. Or at least start TTC and deal with being pregnant (hopefully!!!) at the wedding. No one else's schedule would matter.


+1. It really depends on the priorities of the couple.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:02     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
If I was 45 and wanting to start a family I'd get married this weekend. Or at least start TTC and deal with being pregnant (hopefully!!!) at the wedding. No one else's schedule would matter.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:01     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Oh one more thing, should I tell them to send physocal save the date cards or email? EMail is faster but tacky I think?


I’d mention they might want to send out save the date cards. But it’s up to them.

Have you asked the bride-to-be if she wants a shower?
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 11:00     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If they are in their 40s and want kids and aren't trying until aftr they are married, they need to get married ASAP. I don't know how far into their 40s, your DD is but fertility only heads in one direction as you age.

You seem to be focused on all the wrong things - them getting married is far more important than the venue or other material things. It isn't their resonsiblity to plan their wedding around their siblings international vacation schedule. And if people can't come because they can't make travel plans in 6 months, then they can't come but most people can arrange travel in that amount of time.

Showers are a bit passe - especially for 40 year olds. Showers were about making sure young adults who were about to get married had the basics to live independently. She and her partner probably will have too much stuff together vs not enough.

You don't get a say. Your priorities for this wedding are completely different than your daughters.


She's 45 so I recognize time is of the essence. Maybe she won't want a shower, they cohabitate and have a lot of stuff, but we had a shower for other DD and DIL so it only seems fair. Showers are always well attended by the aunts and cousins and lots of fun. I don't want to deny her that because she's older when getting married.

My other DC isn't going on an international vacaction, they are in the military. I'm nervous they won't be able to come or won't be able to bring their kids. But whoever said I need to let DD handle the communication has a good point.


You need to let DD handle the whole thing!!

She knows her sibling is military overseas. She knows or can be told her aunt is having surgery. She knows how many months are left for a potential shower. Stop making this whole thing about what you want.

By the way, many people get engaged and married within 6 months. You have plenty of time for a shower. If everyone can't come, so be it.

Also aunt can attend ina wheelchair if needed.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 10:59     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If they are in their 40s and want kids and aren't trying until aftr they are married, they need to get married ASAP. I don't know how far into their 40s, your DD is but fertility only heads in one direction as you age.

You seem to be focused on all the wrong things - them getting married is far more important than the venue or other material things. It isn't their resonsiblity to plan their wedding around their siblings international vacation schedule. And if people can't come because they can't make travel plans in 6 months, then they can't come but most people can arrange travel in that amount of time.

Showers are a bit passe - especially for 40 year olds. Showers were about making sure young adults who were about to get married had the basics to live independently. She and her partner probably will have too much stuff together vs not enough.

You don't get a say. Your priorities for this wedding are completely different than your daughters.


She's 45 so I recognize time is of the essence. Maybe she won't want a shower, they cohabitate and have a lot of stuff, but we had a shower for other DD and DIL so it only seems fair. Showers are always well attended by the aunts and cousins and lots of fun. I don't want to deny her that because she's older when getting married.

My other DC isn't going on an international vacaction, they are in the military. I'm nervous they won't be able to come or won't be able to bring their kids. But whoever said I need to let DD handle the communication has a good point.


They could just go to the courthouse and start trying tomorrow? At 45 I wouldn't wait even 7 months but YMMV.
Anonymous
Post 11/14/2025 10:58     Subject: What is appropriate notice for a family wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Plenty of notice. Do they even want a shower? And no, don't give money if there are going to be strings attached.


This.