Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the same in 4th grade. She's in a classroom this year where she doesn't know anyone and the girls are really cliquey. For us, there's definitely a cultural issue- she's the only white girl in her class. She's so friendly but none of the other girls will come over for playdates and they all seem to know each other outside of school. She plays with herself a lot during recess. I wish they could eat lunch at any table they wanted, but her friends at least sit at the table next to her and they can talk across the aisle during lunch.

Please move your daughter to a school where she isn't an "only".

Signed, someone who was an "only." That experience will mess.with your self esteem forever.

Anonymous wrote:DD10 started a new school last year. Last year was socially tough; she was “friendly” with a bunch of kids, but no one she considered “friends”. I’d volunteer at school events and see her alone a lot. This year, she’s in a different class & socially it’s definitely better. When I see her at birthday parties & class events, she’s never alone anymore, she’s always talking with other girls. She’s been invited to play dates a couple times vs. zero times last year. I’ve gotten friendly with a few parents, and it’s probably in part because we get along, but in part also because they see their girls are friends with DD.

Even with things being so much better, DD still gets sad and says “I’ll never have good friends.” I’ve told her that things will change in middle school where kids will re-form their friend groups outside of their parents. I also think that a lot of her sadness has to do with her personality - she tends towards “glass half empty” and won’t recognize that a lot of girls are like her (i.e., casual friends only, no besties). I also think being overly focused on having good friends is self-defeating; she tends to focus on one girl, and it’s happened a couple times that the girl will start pulling away for whatever reason, then DD will get upset, maybe possessive or sensitive around said girl, which makes that girl want to pull away even more. I’ve told her to hang out with several girls instead of focusing on one, and she’ll be happier for it. But I feel like in this situation, as well as in general, she will understand and agree with what I’m saying, but still choose to be unhappy.

It makes me both sad and frustrated to see her like this. I don’t think my words help her. Should I just listen, not offer advice, and just let it go? Anything else I can do?

Anonymous wrote:My DD is the same in 4th grade. She's in a classroom this year where she doesn't know anyone and the girls are really cliquey. For us, there's definitely a cultural issue- she's the only white girl in her class. She's so friendly but none of the other girls will come over for playdates and they all seem to know each other outside of school. She plays with herself a lot during recess. I wish they could eat lunch at any table they wanted, but her friends at least sit at the table next to her and they can talk across the aisle during lunch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met my best friend the first day of third grade and we are still best friends, two decades later. We were such best friends that, we talked to each other so much in class to the point that, they had to switch one of us to a different class in third grade. We went to 3rd-12th grade together but, went separate ways in college but were super mature about maintaining our friendship. There was even a 2-3 period where we didn't talk but we had such good of a friendship that it was not a big deal.

So, I understand your kids want for a bestie, me and mine were inseperateble at that age, but she still has time, and next year she'll be in middle school and I'm sure she'll be able to find a best friend if she couldn't in elementery.

That's not really helpful. I'm 39 and never found that best friend. Some people don't. I have a handful of good friends and always have someone to hang with but I'm nobody's number one. I teach my kids to diversify their friendships so they aren't dependent on one person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 started a new school last year. Last year was socially tough; she was “friendly” with a bunch of kids, but no one she considered “friends”. I’d volunteer at school events and see her alone a lot. This year, she’s in a different class & socially it’s definitely better. When I see her at birthday parties & class events, she’s never alone anymore, she’s always talking with other girls. She’s been invited to play dates a couple times vs. zero times last year. I’ve gotten friendly with a few parents, and it’s probably in part because we get along, but in part also because they see their girls are friends with DD.

Even with things being so much better, DD still gets sad and says “I’ll never have good friends.” I’ve told her that things will change in middle school where kids will re-form their friend groups outside of their parents. I also think that a lot of her sadness has to do with her personality - she tends towards “glass half empty” and won’t recognize that a lot of girls are like her (i.e., casual friends only, no besties). I also think being overly focused on having good friends is self-defeating; she tends to focus on one girl, and it’s happened a couple times that the girl will start pulling away for whatever reason, then DD will get upset, maybe possessive or sensitive around said girl, which makes that girl want to pull away even more. I’ve told her to hang out with several girls instead of focusing on one, and she’ll be happier for it. But I feel like in this situation, as well as in general, she will understand and agree with what I’m saying, but still choose to be unhappy.

It makes me both sad and frustrated to see her like this. I don’t think my words help her. Should I just listen, not offer advice, and just let it go? Anything else I can do?

Ok this is a problem. Something is going on with your daughter, and I think the low self esteem is creating a downward feedback spiral.

My suggestion is that she find an activity that she likes and devotes herself to it for a while -- she'll get better at it, which will give her confidence that isn't dependent on other people, it will make her more interesting to her peers and she might grow close to other kids who do it.

Anonymous wrote:I met my best friend the first day of third grade and we are still best friends, two decades later. We were such best friends that, we talked to each other so much in class to the point that, they had to switch one of us to a different class in third grade. We went to 3rd-12th grade together but, went separate ways in college but were super mature about maintaining our friendship. There was even a 2-3 period where we didn't talk but we had such good of a friendship that it was not a big deal.

So, I understand your kids want for a bestie, me and mine were inseperateble at that age, but she still has time, and next year she'll be in middle school and I'm sure she'll be able to find a best friend if she couldn't in elementery.