Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My STBX has become scary and unpredictable, and has initiated a private custody evaluation of himself while trying to get full custody. For now my kids see him for a small amount of time per week primarily in my hopes that they may one day salvage a relationship with him if his mental health improves and because I have concerns about additional legal action should I stop forcing them to see him.

STBX announced that he is going to start showing up at small school events and sports events. These aren't anonymous things with 400 people in an auditorium where the kids could slip away without 1:1 contact with him, but things like a small rock band concert with 20 kids performing after school and a reception after, or practice in an indoor volleyball gym with two rows of bleachers in the parent area. The kids are really, really upset about what they see as an invasion of spaces that are safe spaces for them. Right now, I don't have a way to keep STBX from showing up at school events or sports events. He hasn't been at any of their events since July and initially made a lot of excuses about work and then just stopped showing up, so this is a big shift in his behavior and the kids' expectations.

Is there a name for some kind of temporary order that would allow the kids to still have planned visitation with STBX but prevent him from showing up at events that they don't want him to be at? STBX has access to their activity calendars and so I cannot rely on the kids just not telling him about these things, which is what the kids hoped might work and still would not really be legally justified.

I understand you fear legal issues but you should not be doing this, My mother made me visit my dad until she couldn't physically force me, Even now we have a very strained relationship because of that.

Your mom was right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My STBX has become scary and unpredictable, and has initiated a private custody evaluation of himself while trying to get full custody. For now my kids see him for a small amount of time per week primarily in my hopes that they may one day salvage a relationship with him if his mental health improves and because I have concerns about additional legal action should I stop forcing them to see him.

STBX announced that he is going to start showing up at small school events and sports events. These aren't anonymous things with 400 people in an auditorium where the kids could slip away without 1:1 contact with him, but things like a small rock band concert with 20 kids performing after school and a reception after, or practice in an indoor volleyball gym with two rows of bleachers in the parent area. The kids are really, really upset about what they see as an invasion of spaces that are safe spaces for them. Right now, I don't have a way to keep STBX from showing up at school events or sports events. He hasn't been at any of their events since July and initially made a lot of excuses about work and then just stopped showing up, so this is a big shift in his behavior and the kids' expectations.

Is there a name for some kind of temporary order that would allow the kids to still have planned visitation with STBX but prevent him from showing up at events that they don't want him to be at? STBX has access to their activity calendars and so I cannot rely on the kids just not telling him about these things, which is what the kids hoped might work and still would not really be legally justified.

I understand you fear legal issues but you should not be doing this, My mother made me visit my dad until she couldn't physically force me, Even now we have a very strained relationship because of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

This

I agree. Alienation is a form of abuse.

OP stated, "Attorney advised having the older ones speak with teachers/coaches about their concerns just so they can keep an eye on them and check in with me if they notice behavior changes."

This is problematic on a couple of fronts. First of all, the KIDS should not be in a position to be telling teachers/coaches that they are "concerned" or "afraid" of their own father. That seems like an attorney is encouraging/piling on towards involving others in the father alienation, driven by the mother.

IMO, OP should have a clear, concise list of dates/times and what exactly the father has done which could be considered abuse. For example, throwing covers off of tween kids (maybe they refused to get up?) does not rise to the level of abuse.

Anonymous wrote:My STBX has become scary and unpredictable, and has initiated a private custody evaluation of himself while trying to get full custody. For now my kids see him for a small amount of time per week primarily in my hopes that they may one day salvage a relationship with him if his mental health improves and because I have concerns about additional legal action should I stop forcing them to see him.

STBX announced that he is going to start showing up at small school events and sports events. These aren't anonymous things with 400 people in an auditorium where the kids could slip away without 1:1 contact with him, but things like a small rock band concert with 20 kids performing after school and a reception after, or practice in an indoor volleyball gym with two rows of bleachers in the parent area. The kids are really, really upset about what they see as an invasion of spaces that are safe spaces for them. Right now, I don't have a way to keep STBX from showing up at school events or sports events. He hasn't been at any of their events since July and initially made a lot of excuses about work and then just stopped showing up, so this is a big shift in his behavior and the kids' expectations.

Is there a name for some kind of temporary order that would allow the kids to still have planned visitation with STBX but prevent him from showing up at events that they don't want him to be at? STBX has access to their activity calendars and so I cannot rely on the kids just not telling him about these things, which is what the kids hoped might work and still would not really be legally justified.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

This

I agree. Alienation is a form of abuse.

OP stated, "Attorney advised having the older ones speak with teachers/coaches about their concerns just so they can keep an eye on them and check in with me if they notice behavior changes."

This is problematic on a couple of fronts. First of all, the KIDS should not be in a position to be telling teachers/coaches that they are "concerned" or "afraid" of their own father. That seems like an attorney is encouraging/piling on towards involving others in the father alienation, driven by the mother.

IMO, OP should have a clear, concise list of dates/times and what exactly the father has done which could be considered abuse. For example, throwing covers off of tween kids (maybe they refused to get up?) does not rise to the level of abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

This

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

So this is difficult, and I'm so sorry you are going through this, but the best way is for the kids to just stand up for themselves in front of people. Talk to your lawyer because you don't want to be accused of alienation, but the kids have every right to refuse his hugs and such and to say "Dad, you're making me uncomfortable and I told you to stop." He is doing this to look good in front of people, and if it makes him look like a jerk, he won't come anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

This is my first post on dcum about custody. There are a few people here with a lot of similar experiences and good advice and I am here to get it. I know that DH has a legal right to be at my children’s events so I am asking what protections can be put in place, if any, when this legal right is so at odds with their mental health and emotional states. I am not seeking a restraining order for him with the kids but asking if there is any other kind of legal protection that can keep him from being at small events when they feel his presence is upsetting and invasive of their safe places/activities.

I am definitely not withholding the children. There are days when I have done the opposite and literally pushed them out of the garage to go to his car to spend time with him that I have had to plan for him. Try to physically push your own tween’s body out a door to do something they refuse to do and then tell me if you still think it is withholding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does his scariness present in ways that would justify a restraining order, either one protecting you, or one protecting you and the kids?

I have a very scary ex, and we had a restraining order and custody order together that barred contact outside of carefully defined supervised visitation, and also required him to stay away from my home, my job, the kids’ school, and my teenager’s job.

Not physically scary towards the kids. He has escalated his behavior towards me (screaming even though I don’t talk when I see him, physical intimidation) and I have an appointment early tomorrow morning to go through the pros and cons of a restraining order for me, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help the kids.

Towards the kids he is just inappropriate (asking invasive questions about their therapy appointments, discussing his legal details, telling them things about me that aren’t real, etc) and he has started violating boundaries in public, forcing hugs and physical contact on them in front of coaches and other parents even when the kids say no or run away, policing their facial expressions, accusing them of things, etc. None of it is black-and-white “bad” behavior but the kids are expressing what seem like bad gut feelings. Our DDs are 11 and 13 so they seem to pick up on more than 9 yo DS.

You posted before. This is not appropriate for a restraining order. You are not allowing him to see his kids. As a parent, he has every right to go to school events, activities and sports. You need to talk to your attorney. He is not abusing them and it sounds like he's upset because of your behavior. He needs a very clear custody order as you are withholding the kids and alienating them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a lawyer, at all, but...maybe you could stop putting events on the shared calendar. Maybe not all events, but ones that are small and would have him upset the kids.

OP: anyone reading this, do not do this. Grounds for alienation charges if they stretched it and at minimum it looks uncooperative.

In my case we don’t have a shared calendar but he these are events that show up on the school calendar or on emails from the music teacher at school, so I wouldn’t be able to hide them if I wanted to.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a lawyer, at all, but...maybe you could stop putting events on the shared calendar. Maybe not all events, but ones that are small and would have him upset the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone reading this and looking for legal advice: talked to attorney. The way I could do this would only be to get a protective order for myself which would exclude my kids from contact with their father. I do not want to cut them off from the visitation they have now on their own terms. They’ll have to deal with him showing up in public places. Attorney advised having the older ones speak with teachers/coaches about their concerns just so they can keep an eye on them and check in with me if they notice behavior changes. Will continue to talk to all 3 kids about setting boundaries.

Why would a protective order for yourself exclude the kids from contact? There are plenty of families where parents have protective order and kids still have visits.

Anonymous wrote:Anyone reading this and looking for legal advice: talked to attorney. The way I could do this would only be to get a protective order for myself which would exclude my kids from contact with their father. I do not want to cut them off from the visitation they have now on their own terms. They’ll have to deal with him showing up in public places. Attorney advised having the older ones speak with teachers/coaches about their concerns just so they can keep an eye on them and check in with me if they notice behavior changes. Will continue to talk to all 3 kids about setting boundaries.