Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds a lot like my kid at that age. It’s anxiety. She needs medication maybe some therapy to stop the catastrophising and also to stop the intrusive thoughts. If she’s expressing to you imagine what’s going on inside her head. It calms down as they keep maturing but yeah get her on meds.

Which meds worked? Side effects?

My daughter took Wellbutrin for 2 years and is off it now. Side effects were feeling a little “numb” or that feelings were dulled. But worth it to get rid of the debilitating anxiety. She also did weekly therapy for 2 years and is completely off therapy for now. Still gets anxiety, but at a normal level now. Through therapy she recognizes it immediately and has “tools” for moving beyond that the feeling.

Another idea: Lexapro sometimes helps eliminate intrusive and ruminating thoughts. For some people, that does the trick on its own.

If it works well but with the side effects of overly reduced motivation or low energy, Wellbutrin is a great drug to pair with Lexapro. They may offset each other’s side effects.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Freshman dd is doing great in her classes, has a good job, things are fine socially, but she is calling me daily with worries about worries small and big: bad day at work, I was so worried about this and that or did I mess up with this and that. She's always trashing her own major (a Humanities one) because she seems to mostly meet STEM kids and she feels inferior to them. Her latest worry is whether to sign up for ROTC because she thinks she'd benefit from having a clear path, but she's also dreading it, went for the tour and was told non-stem means fewer chances...It is never ending. Do kids like this find their way? I don't want to guide her toward one path or another and it's really not my decision, but listening to it day in and day out is exhausting.

I say this as the mother of a young adult with anxiety and as someone who has also struggled with anxiety..

You should not be listening to it day in and day out. Cut it off.

People with anxiety seek assurance and reassurance and re-reassurance. It's not helpful--in fact, perseverating is counterproductive.

The best advice I can give you is to reduce the amount of assurance you provide her. When she calls about being worried about x or y, don't tell her it's ok, doesn't matter, isn't a big deal, doesn't sound that bad. Don't try to get her to think differently about it. Instead, just say things that mean, "I know you can handle it."

"I know you'll figure it out."
"Well, whatever happens, I know you'll be ok."

And after you've said that *once,* stop saying it. Ask her instead, what usually makes you feel better when you feel this way? Get a list of things in your own head that you can suggest to her that help.

Now, if she is perseverating about something, try changing the subject. Ask her about something else. If you ask her about a couple other things, and those too seem to be points of anxiety and handwringing for her, then talk about something that's not her. Tell her about your day, or something funny the dog did. And if she can't stop, if your conversation can't seem to short-circuit the anxiety, say something like, "It sounds like you're having a hard day. What's your plan to help yourself feel better?" and encourage her to make a plan for one of those things--go for a walk, go to the gym, listen to a meditation podcast, go get some coffee with a friend, etc. And then tell her you know she'll be okay and you have to go, and get off the phone.

Rinse and repeat.

It's also ok--and often extremely helpful--just to cut off nonsense. Trashing your own major? Ridiculous. Don't listen to it. It's ok to say, in a no-nonsense tone, "Alright, that's just silly" and change the subject. It's ok to say, "Larla, I think what you are majoring in is fine, but you seem really unhappy with it. If that's true, you should change. I'm happy to talk to you about other ideas you might have for a major. Otherwise, I'm done talking about this." And after that, if she says "I suck, my major is stupid, STEM majors are so much smarter," just be silent. Remind her that you are done talking about that. Then change the subject.

Sending positive thoughts your way. This is hard.

As another parent of a kid with GAD amonog other issues, this is spot on advice.

We call this “borrowing problems from the future” or “future casting”. And you need to call it out and tell her to stop.

I say this with empathy and experience with anxiety. But indulging her whirling worries about what may happen to her in a year or two or four is not helpful.

Cut it off, call it out for what it is (a problem to be considered in X months or years), and help her focus on the immediate present. What is happening for her right NOW?

Here are the facts:

Her job as a freshman in college is not “to know” what she wants to do for a living, what she wants to major in, or what she’s interested in.

Her job as a freshman in college is to take it one tiny step at a time. To try different things. Not to figure out the rest of her life. Just to experience them.

For example, she has 4 or 5 classes this semester. In conversation, make her focus on them. “Tell me about X class.”

When she goes off about not knowing about her major or interests or career blah blah blah cut her off and say, “Ok. Let’s talk about what you have planned for the rest of today.” Again and again and again.

She needs to stop worrying about what everyone else is saying and doing and instead focus on her own life right NOW.

One last tip that has worked in our house: Tell her that’s Future Her will know what to do when it’s time. For example, if she has to declare a major second semester sophomore year, “I know that First Semester Freshman you doesn’t know what to major in. But she doesn’t have to know. It’s Second Semester Sophomore you who will pick a major. And I’m certain she will make a great choice! Now let’s talk about something happening this week.” And then ask a targeted question about something going on now.

Anonymous wrote:Freshman dd is doing great in her classes, has a good job, things are fine socially, but she is calling me daily with worries about worries small and big: bad day at work, I was so worried about this and that or did I mess up with this and that. She's always trashing her own major (a Humanities one) because she seems to mostly meet STEM kids and she feels inferior to them. Her latest worry is whether to sign up for ROTC because she thinks she'd benefit from having a clear path, but she's also dreading it, went for the tour and was told non-stem means fewer chances...It is never ending. Do kids like this find their way? I don't want to guide her toward one path or another and it's really not my decision, but listening to it day in and day out is exhausting.

I say this as the mother of a young adult with anxiety and as someone who has also struggled with anxiety..

You should not be listening to it day in and day out. Cut it off.

People with anxiety seek assurance and reassurance and re-reassurance. It's not helpful--in fact, perseverating is counterproductive.

The best advice I can give you is to reduce the amount of assurance you provide her. When she calls about being worried about x or y, don't tell her it's ok, doesn't matter, isn't a big deal, doesn't sound that bad. Don't try to get her to think differently about it. Instead, just say things that mean, "I know you can handle it."

"I know you'll figure it out."
"Well, whatever happens, I know you'll be ok."

And after you've said that *once,* stop saying it. Ask her instead, what usually makes you feel better when you feel this way? Get a list of things in your own head that you can suggest to her that help.

Now, if she is perseverating about something, try changing the subject. Ask her about something else. If you ask her about a couple other things, and those too seem to be points of anxiety and handwringing for her, then talk about something that's not her. Tell her about your day, or something funny the dog did. And if she can't stop, if your conversation can't seem to short-circuit the anxiety, say something like, "It sounds like you're having a hard day. What's your plan to help yourself feel better?" and encourage her to make a plan for one of those things--go for a walk, go to the gym, listen to a meditation podcast, go get some coffee with a friend, etc. And then tell her you know she'll be okay and you have to go, and get off the phone.

Rinse and repeat.

It's also ok--and often extremely helpful--just to cut off nonsense. Trashing your own major? Ridiculous. Don't listen to it. It's ok to say, in a no-nonsense tone, "Alright, that's just silly" and change the subject. It's ok to say, "Larla, I think what you are majoring in is fine, but you seem really unhappy with it. If that's true, you should change. I'm happy to talk to you about other ideas you might have for a major. Otherwise, I'm done talking about this." And after that, if she says "I suck, my major is stupid, STEM majors are so much smarter," just be silent. Remind her that you are done talking about that. Then change the subject.

Sending positive thoughts your way. This is hard.

Anonymous wrote:Have her meet with a career coach and help her map out a ten-year plan.

I disagree strongly with this approach. She's anxious and may benefit from treatment, but mapping out a ten-year plan as a college freshman is ridiculous and will just self-soothe in an unproductive way. No one has any idea what the next ten years can bring. It's delusional to think you can actually plan that far out (particularly at her age). Encourage her to learn as much as she can and, if needed, get her a therapist who can work on adaptability and resilience.

have senior here with even more anxiety, high school, had her with 4 therapists and either they were not good and/or she didnt want to so it, i was stuck paying no show fees....its exhausting

If she is worried about paying off her humanities education, what about psychology? That is a great money-maker. A psychologist doing an hour of talk therapy will bill my insurance at the same rate as a consultation with a neurologist (who graduated from medical school and is capable of brain surgery).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Freshman dd is doing great in her classes, has a good job, things are fine socially, but she is calling me daily with worries about worries small and big: bad day at work, I was so worried about this and that or did I mess up with this and that. She's always trashing her own major (a Humanities one) because she seems to mostly meet STEM kids and she feels inferior to them. Her latest worry is whether to sign up for ROTC because she thinks she'd benefit from having a clear path, but she's also dreading it, went for the tour and was told non-stem means fewer chances...It is never ending. Do kids like this find their way? I don't want to guide her toward one path or another and it's really not my decision, but listening to it day in and day out is exhausting.

It is extremely taxing to be the closest confidant of someone with anxiety, but if you think that’s exhausting, try being in a fight-or-flight mode on a daily basis. Anxiety is accompanied by real physical symptoms. Treatment for her would be a real blessing.

Has she considered a hybrid approach to her studies, where she has a humanities major with a STEM minor? Just one example, but like a major in Public Policy with a minor in Environmental Studies?

She actually has considered exactly that but environmental studies is not a field with a lot of solid employment prospects (she's researched it) and she really does not want to teach which seems to be what most end up doing.

Anonymous wrote:Freshman dd is doing great in her classes, has a good job, things are fine socially, but she is calling me daily with worries about worries small and big: bad day at work, I was so worried about this and that or did I mess up with this and that. She's always trashing her own major (a Humanities one) because she seems to mostly meet STEM kids and she feels inferior to them. Her latest worry is whether to sign up for ROTC because she thinks she'd benefit from having a clear path, but she's also dreading it, went for the tour and was told non-stem means fewer chances...It is never ending. Do kids like this find their way? I don't want to guide her toward one path or another and it's really not my decision, but listening to it day in and day out is exhausting.

It is extremely taxing to be the closest confidant of someone with anxiety, but if you think that’s exhausting, try being in a fight-or-flight mode on a daily basis. Anxiety is accompanied by real physical symptoms. Treatment for her would be a real blessing.

Has she considered a hybrid approach to her studies, where she has a humanities major with a STEM minor? Just one example, but like a major in Public Policy with a minor in Environmental Studies?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Freshman dd is doing great in her classes, has a good job, things are fine socially, but she is calling me daily with worries about worries small and big: bad day at work, I was so worried about this and that or did I mess up with this and that. She's always trashing her own major (a Humanities one) because she seems to mostly meet STEM kids and she feels inferior to them. Her latest worry is whether to sign up for ROTC because she thinks she'd benefit from having a clear path, but she's also dreading it, went for the tour and was told non-stem means fewer chances...It is never ending. Do kids like this find their way? I don't want to guide her toward one path or another and it's really not my decision, but listening to it day in and day out is exhausting.

Was she like this when not in college? If she was, that was when to try to "fix" the worrying. If it's a new thing, suggest her to visit campus health psychology

She's an overthinker for sure, but this is really a lot about the future and career path. It's like it's in her head at all times and it colors everything with big questions, then she also sweats the small stuff. In high school she was calmer and not that worried about this but now she feels surrounded by people who have it all figured out (she says) and she compares herself to them and freaks out.

Maybe ask her to take a couple of STEM classes and see if she likes them. Its not too late to try things.

If she gets on meds, I don’t think ROTC will work. Won’t pass the Dodmerb exam.

Anonymous wrote:Freshman dd is doing great in her classes, has a good job, things are fine socially, but she is calling me daily with worries about worries small and big: bad day at work, I was so worried about this and that or did I mess up with this and that. She's always trashing her own major (a Humanities one) because she seems to mostly meet STEM kids and she feels inferior to them. Her latest worry is whether to sign up for ROTC because she thinks she'd benefit from having a clear path, but she's also dreading it, went for the tour and was told non-stem means fewer chances...It is never ending. Do kids like this find their way? I don't want to guide her toward one path or another and it's really not my decision, but listening to it day in and day out is exhausting.

Was she like this when not in college? If she was, that was when to try to "fix" the worrying. If it's a new thing, suggest her to visit campus health psychology

Tell her STEM kids are struggling to find jobs or grad school positions since Trump has cut research funding and laid off so many Federal experts (in public health, medical research, conservation, etc).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds a lot like my kid at that age. It’s anxiety. She needs medication maybe some therapy to stop the catastrophising and also to stop the intrusive thoughts. If she’s expressing to you imagine what’s going on inside her head. It calms down as they keep maturing but yeah get her on meds.

Which meds worked? Side effects?

My daughter took Wellbutrin for 2 years and is off it now. Side effects were feeling a little “numb” or that feelings were dulled. But worth it to get rid of the debilitating anxiety. She also did weekly therapy for 2 years and is completely off therapy for now. Still gets anxiety, but at a normal level now. Through therapy she recognizes it immediately and has “tools” for moving beyond that the feeling.