Op here. Thanks pps for thoughts on this! All of our core friend group (dc and PG county) and extended acquaintances seem to have had 3. I can think of two couples with 2 kids. One acquaintance has 1 child.

I was an only child and DH was one of two boys.

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 and are one of the only families we know who have more than 2. 3 feels like a lot. could never ever do more than 3. Almost every family I know has 2 kids.

We're an only child family but three is also the biggest we know, and we only know two. Four would definitely count as big for us.

From ChatGPT:

• “Four kids” feels big but within the realm of normal for a large family.
• “Five” psychologically signals “very large family,” shifting how outsiders (and sometimes the parents themselves) perceive the family identity — which can add social pressure or mental adjustment.

Anonymous wrote:3 is a large family. 4+ is crazy/religious territory

This!

We have 3 and are one of the only families we know who have more than 2. 3 feels like a lot. could never ever do more than 3. Almost every family I know has 2 kids.

Anonymous wrote:Curious about this viewpoint for families you meet with 4 and with 5. Pregnant with number 4 now fwiw. I’ve heard this many times over the years.

Is four just more common? I haven’t looked at the numbers.

I think 4 is big by today’s standards but feelings somewhat manageable. Not totally manageable, but with spacing and lots of help and money you will get through it and everyone will be mostly fine. When someone told me they have 5 kids recently my first reaction was to think ‘oh how my gosh! How are you doing?!’ I think I nodded and smiled though. I obviously said nothing.

I have three children and my husband and I work full time and we pay for a nanny and have some grandparent help … and it’s a lot. It would be a lot if one of us stayed home too. Four feels like it could be manageable if someone stayed home and there was lots of money for help. We know of a family having a fourth and both parents are in super high powered roles. They have millions in family money and also make millions from their jobs so they outsource a lot of childcare (multiple nannies, housekeeper, etc) and I don’t know how they’ll do it with another kid. Five feels incomprehensibly challenging no matter how much money you have or how many people you hire to help you.

As a mom of four myself, I get what you mean. I know several other families with four kids who are similar to my family - church-going, but not zealots, sending kids to public or parochial school. I even know a non-religious family with four in my youngest child's preschool class (in that case, #3 and #4 are twins). However, I only know one family with five kids (or more) who do not homeschool. Four definitely feels manageable to us, where five would tip into crazy chaos territory!

4 is large. I was one of 4 growing up and we got plenty of comments on it even back then.

I grew up non-religious with five kids spread over 15 years. As adults I love it. We are all close and hang out with our own kids.

4 IS a large family. AI says that only 7% of US adults have 4 or more children, a number that stands out even more when you realize that many of those adults are likely in the same families. I’ve always viewed 4 kids as “large” because that’s the point where the whole family can no longer fit in a car together. I guess there’s another “very large” category that’s reached when the whole family can’t fit in a mini-van or SUV together.

Agree 4 kids is a large family, but it’s not “weird” - chill out people.
- Parent of 1

If you aren’t observant Catholic or Mormon, anything over 3 is an outlier. Even 3 usually means lapsed Catholic.

I went to Catholic grade school in the 80s and 90s and even then having more than 4 was odd. We knew certain moms were going to be knocked up every year or two. The oldest kids in those families would always be bummed about it.

I have 5. IME even among religious weirdos (I am a religious weirdo) it’s only the Catholics and the Mormons who regularly have that many. Other religious weirdos usually stop at four, tops. (Though many do two and ✂️ so they can drive to more extracurriculars like all y’all.)

Definitely subjective. I have 4 kids and don't think it's large.
Every single one of my LDS (Mormon) friends has 5 kids. I'm not LDS, just grew up in an area with a lot of LDS families.
I'm Catholic, and know many families with 8+ kids.