When we had a low salary (but my husband still made a lot more than me) I was in charge of the budget. But we discussed together what our priorities are, which meant he had spending freedom to a certain amount, and I let him know when he reached or surpassed it.

I still do the budget now, but he makes so much money, we no longer limit spending. He still consults me if something is 1000+ but it’s more of a heads-up. If I were really concerned things had gotten out of hand (like a couple new cars??) I would definitely sit down so we could reassess our priorities…

Anonymous wrote:Op - we have had college debt to pay off plus kids in daycare for the past decade. So between daycare and student loans we have been paying close to $7000 a month on those items. Not to mention mortgage, car payments, saving for retirement, college, and so on.

Our HHI just reached this high this past year. We are doing catch up on all our savings and retirement and college saving for kids. I worry about spending on lots of extras even though I know we have a high HHI right now.

Sounds like you have at least 3 kids, which was a very expensive choice on your part. Your student loans should be paid off now, or at least very soon. If you can sit down and agree on priorities (retirement: X/year, college savings: X/kid/year, saving for next car so you don't have a car loan when you make $800k: X/year), then you need to lighten up about the things he chooses to spend his discretionary income on. You are, by your own admission, a bit of a miser, so you can't hold him to the same standards of wearing threadbare clothes and eating a crust of bread for lunch or whatever you're looking for here. The things he's buying aren't extravagant or wasteful, it's not like he has a gambling problem.

Lady, you have SO MUCH MONEY. You're fine.

OP I think it’s a terrible idea to try to impose your vision of “necessary” or whatever on your DH. It’s a recipe for conflict and it’s not even a good way to achieve your financial goals.

The part you agree on is the budget. You agree on it separately and disconnected from any conversation about any particular thing like a grill or whatever. The budget includes discretionary pots for each adult.

If he is running over his discretionary budget, you don’t argue about what the thing was and whether or not it’s valid. You just go back to the budget. We went over. Should we make the discretionary budget bigger? What does that mean for our plan and our goals?

You can’t be in the business of policing each other’s decisions. You’re a team on the budget. You’re not the shopping police.

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am an admitted spend thrift. DH has to insist I buy new clothes when mine are wearing out or I don’t have something appropriate for a given event (like no hiking shoes, running shoes are complete bare sole, etc.)

I just think little things add up to big things and we already have big things to pay for. So why spend more money on things we really don’t think (in my mind).

I will turn this around on you. Why are you imposing your values on your spouse and giving him a hard time for buying things that make him happy and that your household can clearly afford? What is the barrier FOR YOU of using money to improve your life now vs. saving for a nebulous future?

You say you've been spending $7,000/month on college debt and daycare. (And maybe those expenditures are now over? I can't tell.) That $7,000 is less than 1/4 of your household's take-home pay.

We don't have the full picture of your budget/income/spending, of course. But a new grill and workout equipment? Yeah, your husband should buy those things if he wants them - ideally after first discussing it with you and you both agreeing that your circumstances allow for the spending.

Anonymous wrote:Op - we have had college debt to pay off plus kids in daycare for the past decade. So between daycare and student loans we have been paying close to $7000 a month on those items. Not to mention mortgage, car payments, saving for retirement, college, and so on.

Our HHI just reached this high this past year. We are doing catch up on all our savings and retirement and college saving for kids. I worry about spending on lots of extras even though I know we have a high HHI right now.

How large is your house? Your probably should have bought a cheaper home and less expensive car.

Anonymous wrote:The things you are describing are nothing on that much income.

+1

The cost of a grill is a tiny percentage of what you two earn.

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am an admitted spend thrift. DH has to insist I buy new clothes when mine are wearing out or I don’t have something appropriate for a given event (like no hiking shoes, running shoes are complete bare sole, etc.)

I just think little things add up to big things and we already have big things to pay for. So why spend more money on things we really don’t think (in my mind).

This is not what spendthrift means. In fact, it’s the opposite. Spendthrift means you fly through money irresponsibly.

Anonymous wrote:Also I mean this kindly but if you are in your 40s, it is okay and probably necessary to spend on clothes, hair, skincare to look nice. If your DH is going to a $$$$ office every day, the other women are going to be put together. You probably will feel great to get some minor upgrades. Don't need to go crazy! Get some cute jeans and sweaters from quince.

Op - yes probably. If necessary I will dress up but I work from home every day and don’t really need to.

Skin and hair still are great - I am 40 and have long black hair and good skin. Being Asian helps!

Anonymous wrote:Presumably he works very hard to make that money so I do think loosening the reigns a little is necessary. Do you have a financial planner?

Op - yes we have a financial planner and a tax accountant.

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am an admitted spend thrift. DH has to insist I buy new clothes when mine are wearing out or I don’t have something appropriate for a given event (like no hiking shoes, running shoes are complete bare sole, etc.)

I just think little things add up to big things and we already have big things to pay for. So why spend more money on things we really don’t think (in my mind).

You are using this word wrong. You're the opposite, in fact. You are thrifty or frugal and not a spendthrift.

Also I mean this kindly but if you are in your 40s, it is okay and probably necessary to spend on clothes, hair, skincare to look nice. If your DH is going to a $$$$ office every day, the other women are going to be put together. You probably will feel great to get some minor upgrades. Don't need to go crazy! Get some cute jeans and sweaters from quince.

Presumably he works very hard to make that money so I do think loosening the reigns a little is necessary. Do you have a financial planner?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am an admitted spend thrift. DH has to insist I buy new clothes when mine are wearing out or I don’t have something appropriate for a given event (like no hiking shoes, running shoes are complete bare sole, etc.)

I just think little things add up to big things and we already have big things to pay for. So why spend more money on things we really don’t think (in my mind).

Spendthrift means the opposite of what you think it means.

Op - ha you are right! Probably right word is cheap. I hate spending money.

I lived on very little in my 20s and don’t see the need for so much materialistic stuff. It seems wasteful and bad for the environment.

Kids always have what they need in terms of clothes and items for school, sports, activities etc.

I wear things till they need replacing. I have the same jeans from my 20s. I have the same hiking boots, jackets, sweatshirts, etc. they are all fine. I am the same size as I was then so I don’t see the need to replace it all.

Anonymous wrote:Op - I am an admitted spend thrift. DH has to insist I buy new clothes when mine are wearing out or I don’t have something appropriate for a given event (like no hiking shoes, running shoes are complete bare sole, etc.)

I just think little things add up to big things and we already have big things to pay for. So why spend more money on things we really don’t think (in my mind).

Spendthrift means the opposite of what you think it means.