You can hire someone much cheaper to do those tasks. Seeing as you are seeing him as a client and not your father, he should know that he can get someone for a third of that price. I think it is financial abuse to be charging him $80 / hour after the fact. He didn't agree to any of this but now he is on the hook as his family will only help him if they are paid and he has been told that is what he must pay. I think you should give him back his oney for everything from the past. It is elder abuse to charge him now and take his money. You didn't have a contract or an agreement. He thought you were helpig because you were his child and cared about him. Now he knows that isn't the case but he is vulnerable.

Your siblings should hire someone to do these tasks for him. You can find someone for $25-$30 /hour.

This seems messy, OP. If you’re controlling your parent’s finances and managing their healthcare, financial POA and healthcare proxies should be established. If you want to be paid from your parent’s estate, especially prior to their death, you should meet with an attorney for advice on how to do so cleanly.

As far as stating you’re paying yourself from your parent’s assets to spite your third sibling who you’ve said isn’t helping your parent, I would drop that line of explanation, especially given that your parent has thus far chosen to divide their estate among you all equally.

No, hire help if its such a burden. Stop being greedy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to use your father’s credit card when you buy stuff for him. Or use a dedicated credit card, buy his things separately, and reimburse yourself.

Someone would then need to pay that credit card bill at the end of the month which my father no longer remembers to do regularly. We also were worried about home health aids finding and using credit cards so we had him cancel his credit cards because he rarely used them.

And he is not with me when I am at Costco or a target so I never felt right taking his credit card. And inevitably when I take him to appointments he can’t find his checkbook because he has squirreled it away somewhere or the place doesn’t really want checks. So for example four months ago I paid $196 for his eyeglasses.

He’s been a really good dad so I never minded but I am just so angry at the deadbeat sibling who I found has been telling distant relatives and old family friends that they still visit.

Then, as I said, use a separate credit card for his things. And set up autopay from his bank, or have your sibling who handles his finances make the payment each month. This is not a hard thing to accomplish.

Anonymous wrote:You only bill out at $80/hr? That’s cheap.

+1 I’m an engineer and my rate is $175/hr. Who are these people making $80/hr?

$80 an hour is excessive. If I were your sibling I’d want to hire someone at 1/3 of that rate, which is in line with the going rate for taking care of an old person.

I have a dedicated credit card in my name that I use for all my mom’s expenses and I pay it out of her account. My sibling is aware and onboard and I’m transparent, he knows he’s welcome to audit me at any time. I also pay her memory care rent with a Bilt credit card so I can get points for the $12k a month she’s charged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling has no standing to sue. NONE whatsoever.

Please pay yourself honestly, if your father agrees and this is something you really need.

I will note that for most of the middle class, adult children would never dream of making their parents pay for their help. I have never actually heard of such an arrangement as yours. My best friend and her husband and teen spent multiple weeks sorting through their mother's stuff before moving her to assisted living, paying for sundries, etc... and none of that labor was paid.

I find your nickel and diming a little distasteful, but if you're desperately in need of money, and it makes your father have a more attentive and willing helper... sure, go ahead.

You’ve got to be kidding, PP. The OP is suffering lost income. Why should she foot that bill to the benefit of the do-nothing sibling(s)?? This is a way for her to be recognized by their father for the extra care and time she is devoting, while at least one of her siblings does absolutely nothing. As a parent, I’d want to reward my child for making extra sacrifices beyond what the other children are doing. And as a parent, I’d feel like less of a burden and less like someone just taking taking taking from my child. It would feel good to give something back. And OP’s father can apparently afford to do just that.

This isn’t doing the dad’s taxes. This is ongoing, substantial, detailed, hard and sometimes exhausting work. If you haven’t been there, you can have no idea what it’s like.

+1 This exactly. You can stfu, previous PP if you haven't been there. I have a dear friend whose time is consumed by taking care of both elderly parents, one with dementia and one fragile. She had to retire early and she "pays herself" which means that her parents agreed and have the means and are deeply appreciative. (They even gave her a car and include gas money!). Her sibling is relieved and agrees to the arrangement.

Of course we all do this out of the goodness of our hearts too, but this is a job we are talking about. There's no reason not to earn income if all/most parties agree. Would you work for free?

But at $80/hr? Is the nice sibling OK with that? Unless OP's father is wealthy, it's going to make a significant dent in his inheritance and at the end, maybe both siblings of OP will be bitter.

In principle, I agree with compensation for the sibling who is working for their elderly parent. The way my in-laws have set this up, the sibling who is doing the most care is getting a larger chunk of the inheritance. But if we start to get into counting hours and dollars... I think that opens the door to nitpicking later.

You only bill out at $80/hr? That’s cheap.

So, I am the main caregiver for my mom (even though now she is memory care, there is still a lot of work). Sibling doesn't even call, I call him on her birthday, etc. Over the past 4 years I have spent countless hours on her care, from downsizing and moving her out of her home of 50 years (and then overseeing renovations and renting and dealing with so many hassles--all from afar, even though sibling is closer) to a million doctor/dentist/podiatrist/cardiologist/neurologist/gastro/urgent care/er appointments, getting hair done, taking her shopping/getting clothes altered, doing her finances and taxes, picking up all her supplies now, communicating with her friends once she lost the ability to do so, and I will be the executor of her estate. I am trying to keep track of the big tasks, though I don't track the regular check in visits 3-4x/week I do for the longer ER visits, the doctors, the accounting/taxes, etc. I also put on a lot of miles on my car, which I suppose I should keep track of. In fact, I kind of forgot about keeping track lately since I've been so busy, but was reminded of it yesterday when I was cleaning up a poop explosion. If you haven't been there, be grateful.

When my mother passes, i will take whatever amount this comes to at maybe 25-30$$/hr out of a joint account we are both on, and the rest is split with sibling. But I'm not doing it now, in case she needs the money.

OP, 80/hr seems high, but if the money is there and your one sibling doesn't care, go for it. Between work, teen kids, a spouse, and my parent, I am tapped out. Sibling has plenty of money, no kids, just a girlfriend and lots and lots of free time. I feel no guilt and my mom would absolutely want it that way.

Also, finally, please make sure that someone (preferably you as you are doing it) is POA for financial and medical.

Short answer: no.

You're not doing a $80/hr job for him. Charge what a caregiver costs. The average hourly rate for caregivers in Washington, D.C. is around $23-$24, with typical rates ranging from about $17 to over $30 per hour depending on experience and specific duties.

Whatever work you do for $80/hr is not the work you're doing for your father. You should be reimbursing yourself at a rate that would normally go to a caregiver. What you're doing for him is not $80/hr work.

Should I be charging my mother my bill rate, which is substantially higher than $80/hr? Of course not, because what I'm doing is similar and you get paid for what you do, not how much you want.

Why on earth did you cancel his credit cards???? You should’ve kept them in a safe place and yes used it and then paid off the balance using his bank account which you are on!
Nobody bats an eye if you use someone else’s credit card. In fact my dad has mine on him so it’s the reverse.
As for being compensated, yes you should be, but instead of the hourly rate can you go for the annual gift amount? Or is it less than he owes you?
Wealth transfer is a thing and yes it should be done now. He may end up in need of Medicaid financed SNF and then you want to avoid estate recovery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sibling has no standing to sue. NONE whatsoever.

Please pay yourself honestly, if your father agrees and this is something you really need.

I will note that for most of the middle class, adult children would never dream of making their parents pay for their help. I have never actually heard of such an arrangement as yours. My best friend and her husband and teen spent multiple weeks sorting through their mother's stuff before moving her to assisted living, paying for sundries, etc... and none of that labor was paid.

I find your nickel and diming a little distasteful, but if you're desperately in need of money, and it makes your father have a more attentive and willing helper... sure, go ahead.

You’ve got to be kidding, PP. The OP is suffering lost income. Why should she foot that bill to the benefit of the do-nothing sibling(s)?? This is a way for her to be recognized by their father for the extra care and time she is devoting, while at least one of her siblings does absolutely nothing. As a parent, I’d want to reward my child for making extra sacrifices beyond what the other children are doing. And as a parent, I’d feel like less of a burden and less like someone just taking taking taking from my child. It would feel good to give something back. And OP’s father can apparently afford to do just that.

This isn’t doing the dad’s taxes. This is ongoing, substantial, detailed, hard and sometimes exhausting work. If you haven’t been there, you can have no idea what it’s like.

+1 This exactly. You can stfu, previous PP if you haven't been there. I have a dear friend whose time is consumed by taking care of both elderly parents, one with dementia and one fragile. She had to retire early and she "pays herself" which means that her parents agreed and have the means and are deeply appreciative. (They even gave her a car and include gas money!). Her sibling is relieved and agrees to the arrangement.

Of course we all do this out of the goodness of our hearts too, but this is a job we are talking about. There's no reason not to earn income if all/most parties agree. Would you work for free?

I think it is reasonable to charge what an experienced caregiver would charge, not what your regular rate is. So i think 25 an hour, or even 40, is ok. But not 80.

When I was a lawyer in Biglaw my billing rate was 800 an hour. Should I have charged that every time I helped my elderly mother?