We are the son and DIL in this scenario and while we don’t begrudge DH’s sister/BIL receiving more assistance (nor would I ever want my MIL to provide full time care) it does have a lot of secondary effects that have fostered resentment and led to our distancing ourselves.

For example, when we’ve asked MIL/FIL to visit for a child’s special event or to help out during a couple of genuine family emergencies we’ve been told they can’t because of their childcare responsibilities to the other grand children. Also, when we do get together for extended family gatherings our kids feel left out because of all of the constant stories and references to things that grandma/cousins have been doing together that they weren’t a part of.

I love kids - have 3 and I would NEVER dream of being a full time caregiver to a baby or toddler. Absolutely not. Part time? Sure or for a few hours a day. E.g. kid goes to Montessori from 9 to 2 and I help in the AM and PM.

I think you'll be way in over your head and have no idea. You can't just not provide daycare when they rely on you.

That said, I would tell the other adult child that they can go on vacation and leave the kids with you. That would be fair ish trade.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess there's no easy answer to what may not even be a problem.

Do you think it's fair that you will be providing a service for your daughter that would otherwise cost her $1K a month or more, while your son shoulders their entire cost? I would be proactive and acknowledge the benefit being afforded my daughter by offering my son some amount of money each month to help defray their costs. Even if it's just $100 or $200 a month, it will mean a lot to your son that you thought about his family's needs.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess there's no easy answer to what may not even be a problem.

Why aren't you talking to your son? Don't you see how much unpleasantness you could avoid by just having a conversation with him??

I would never watch any grandkid because I don't have the energy for it.

BUT, I am willing to pay for a nanny to come to my house and look after my grandkids, with DH and I supervising. After all, 2 of the 3 biggest cons of having a nanny are cost and supervision, and I would solve both.

If I was in the similar situation as OP (both ds and dd's children needed childcare and both kids were same age), then the nanny would take care of both babies with help from DH and I.

I think you need to give this a lot of thought.

It is a lot of work and it will interfere with your own ability to schedule your doctors appointments, dentists, exercise, etc. Even 4 days a week would give you some breathing space. What happens if you get sick? Does your daughter have any other backup care?

Plus, I imagine you would not have the energy to ever babysit for your son during weekends or vacations—that’s the most problematic part—and that’s when you’ll really feel the resentment from him.

Imagine your son asks you to watch his baby over a 4 day weekend. You’ve babysat the other grandchild Monday through Friday, now you have the other baby Friday through Monday and then back to full time care of the daughter’s child the next week. You’re going to be exhausted.

While I don’t think there will be any resentment that you’re not providing daycare to the son, there will definitely be resentment that you’re basically setting up your life so you can never help him.

Did your daughter ask you or did you offer? Until preschool age? When is the cut off?
This is going to be a lot put on you to do FT childcare.

Are you sure you're not underestimating how much it takes to provide full-time childcare? Not questioning your ability, just how you'll feel after doing this for a while for free. When is the stopping point -- when the child starts school (age 3 or age 5 depending on where you live)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing a really kind thing, and you will have a lovely bond with your grandkid. It doesn't have to be a negative for the other family; it just doesn't make sense in this situation. They're not even thinking about it, frankly.

Your friend is creating a problem where none exists. Don't listen to her.

I disagree. I think the friend pointed out something that is pretty obvious to anyone on the outside who has ever had to worry about childcare. Providing 100% of work time childcare for one grandchild and doing nothing for the other is pretty crappy. And I personally think it's pretty crappy for OP's daughter to provide 40+ hours of free childcare every week. Has your daughter had enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity that is being set up and has SHE verbalized her concern about how grandma is doing so much for her that she is not doing for the other child? I bet the daughter is sort of blissfully ignoring this glaring inequity because she is really counting on free daycare.

I have been in this situation myself. It would not occur to me to be resentful about a situation where the logistics make no sense. The other grandkid is too far away for daily childcare to work. It's not an option for them. Why be mad about something that makes no sense for your family situation? There are also lots of downsides to grandparent care-- maybe they wouldn't even want it, if it was possible. Overall, though, the most important thing is that no one in OP's family has approached her about this "problem." It's being invented by someone outside the situation.

Imo it depends on whether it is a pattern or just about the childcare which you are right, makes perfect sense logistically. My parents doing a lot of childcare for my brother is part of a pattern of always giving him significantly more materially, allowing more of him in terms of behavior, helping him more well into his 20s, while I had moments of real struggle and they were oblivious to it. The idea was always that I could handle everything on my own. And it's not something I am going to ever bring up because the ship has sailed and my parents are wonderful people aside from this very very odd blind spot, but as a mom I am VERY careful not to repeat these mistakes with my kids.

OP again. I guess there's no easy answer to what may not even be a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're doing a really kind thing, and you will have a lovely bond with your grandkid. It doesn't have to be a negative for the other family; it just doesn't make sense in this situation. They're not even thinking about it, frankly.

Your friend is creating a problem where none exists. Don't listen to her.

I disagree. I think the friend pointed out something that is pretty obvious to anyone on the outside who has ever had to worry about childcare. Providing 100% of work time childcare for one grandchild and doing nothing for the other is pretty crappy. And I personally think it's pretty crappy for OP's daughter to provide 40+ hours of free childcare every week. Has your daughter had enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity that is being set up and has SHE verbalized her concern about how grandma is doing so much for her that she is not doing for the other child? I bet the daughter is sort of blissfully ignoring this glaring inequity because she is really counting on free daycare.

I have been in this situation myself. It would not occur to me to be resentful about a situation where the logistics make no sense. The other grandkid is too far away for daily childcare to work. It's not an option for them. Why be mad about something that makes no sense for your family situation? There are also lots of downsides to grandparent care-- maybe they wouldn't even want it, if it was possible. Overall, though, the most important thing is that no one in OP's family has approached her about this "problem." It's being invented by someone outside the situation.

Anonymous wrote:Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

This. An exceptional gift.

Anonymous wrote:My mom watched both of my brother's DCs for the first year. She lived nearby, and I live hours away. Never occurred to me to be resentful or to ask her to help me out in some other way. She came and visited every couple of months for a weekend and has a close relationship with my DCs. My MIL lives nearby - she did not watch my DCs other than on occasion - which is how I wanted it. MIL is close to my DCs as well- probably more so than if she had been their main sitter. I would take your mom up on it and not worry about your brother.

+1

I really don’t think son/DIL would be expecting day to day childcare given the distance, anyway. My MIL watched SIL’s (her daughter) kids nearly full time when they were little- but they live in the same town. We live 2 hours away. Of course we wouldn’t expect daily babysitting or resent that MIL babysat her in-town grandkids.

Also, I like my MIL fine, but wouldn’t have wanted her providing day to day childcare TBH. While there may be benefits, sometimes it can bring difficulties in the relationship too.

Anonymous wrote:You're doing a really kind thing, and you will have a lovely bond with your grandkid. It doesn't have to be a negative for the other family; it just doesn't make sense in this situation. They're not even thinking about it, frankly.

Your friend is creating a problem where none exists. Don't listen to her.

I disagree. I think the friend pointed out something that is pretty obvious to anyone on the outside who has ever had to worry about childcare. Providing 100% of work time childcare for one grandchild and doing nothing for the other is pretty crappy. And I personally think it's pretty crappy for OP's daughter to provide 40+ hours of free childcare every week. Has your daughter had enough self-awareness to recognize the inequity that is being set up and has SHE verbalized her concern about how grandma is doing so much for her that she is not doing for the other child? I bet the daughter is sort of blissfully ignoring this glaring inequity because she is really counting on free daycare.

My mom watched both of my brother's DCs for the first year. She lived nearby, and I live hours away. Never occurred to me to be resentful or to ask her to help me out in some other way. She came and visited every couple of months for a weekend and has a close relationship with my DCs. My MIL lives nearby - she did not watch my DCs other than on occasion - which is how I wanted it. MIL is close to my DCs as well- probably more so than if she had been their main sitter. I would take your mom up on it and not worry about your brother.