Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That you had kids late, and now they're very old, and are rigid and inflexible in a way they wouldn't have been, were they in their 50s.

In order to have had kids when my parents were in their 50s, I would have had to have kids in my early 20s, at a time when my parents would have been HORRIFIED if I'd become a parent because they really drilled it into me that I needed to have more money, own a home, and be established in my career before marrying and having any kids. Yet now they are annoyed that they are grandparents to young kids at an older age and blame me for not having kids until my early 30s

This sort of hypocrisy is very common. In my 20s, I had roommates and lived in crappy places because it was cheaper and enabled me to save. They complained endlessly about this because at 25/26 I didn't have a 3 bedroom house with a nice guest bedroom (preferable two, because they don't like to sleep in the same room, they are not divorced) and the funds to host them easily. Now I do have a house and a guest room (just one, sorry) plus have young kids who would LOVE to see their grandparents, and they complain that they don't want to travel and we should come to them, even though we have school and work and can't go stay with them all the time.

I'm fine with my priorities not always matching up with my parents, but I get tired of these circular arguments where it feels like they always want the exact opposite of what is even possible and are annoyed with me for not being able to bend time and space or overcome basic restrictions like budget or needing an income to accommodate them.

Their willingness to have kids late might be a clue about their personality then. My mom had her first at 24, I had my first at 27. She has cheerfully helped with my kids.

Your parents are selfish. The fact they are boomers is a coincidence.

-signed a boomer Grandmother who has offered to babysit a newborn for a year.

This is not a generational thing. This is an individual human thing.

I had parents who didn't really give a shit about me and big surprise, they are not involved grandparents.

No one owes anyone anything, however. People who get all bent out of shape about unhelpful grandparents are strange to me. What a nice bonus if you have helpful grandparents. If you don't, oh well. Build your own community and take care of your own family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If grandparents are local, it would be nice if they’d help in an emergency. But the notion that it’s expected for grandparents to provide ANY childcare (non-emergency) is strange to me. My kids have involved grandparents who will help out if they can (but non-local). It’s great, but they offer. We don’t assume.

My grandparents loved us, but virtually never watched us and mainly seemed more interested in talking to my parents. And it was fine! I had a good relationship with them. But the term “grand parenting” was not a thing. The grandkids were not their focus. I see it all the time on DCUM that people expect grandparents to help them parent. Why? If the grandparents want to do it, they’ll offer. But it shouldn’t be an expectation.

That's interesting. I grew up in the midwest as a millennial and my grandparents *very* frequently watched me. Pretty much any time I was sick, occasionally babysitting on Friday/Saturday nights, and about half of the summer.

Same here. My grandfather came over most Saturday nights and stayed with us for up to two weeks while my parents traveled.
My mom does once a week school pickup and takes them overnight a couple times a year. But the attitude is different. She is hyper critical of me and my parenting and if I protest she says "with all the help I give you I can say whatever I want." My grandparents were polite and if they disagreed with something they bit their tongue.

Yes, the attitude and willingness to criticize is wild.

My own grandparents weren't that involved for the most part, only my dad's mom was ever around. But when she was around, she would definitely watch us and help my mom. But I also remember she was just really, really nice and supportive of my mom. She'd say nice things to me about my mom all the time ("you're mom works so hard for you, she's such a good mom") and she's be nice and supportive to her as well, encouraging her to take a break, praising her food, reminding her to prioritize herself and not just her kids. I also don't remember my grandma saying an unkind word about me or my siblings ever. She doted on us and would praise us for being smart and helpful kids.

My parents and MIL are so critical. They never say anything supportive or kind towards me, DH, or the kids. Sometimes my mom will do crafting projects with my kids (she loves crafting) and she'll nitpick every little thing they do and point out all the flaws in anything they make, and then she gets mad when they quit the project or don't want to do it again. My dad will openly complain about aspects of my DD's personality in front of her. And not even negative qualities, just little quirks. My MIL is just really negative in general and says things like "I guess kids are just lazy, your dad was lazy too" if my kids are watching TV.

My greatest generation grandmother got married at 15 at the encouragement of her parents to reduce how burdened the household was by having too many kids in too small a house. I think people who blame the boomers for how they parent are not really looking at the greater context.

i am a boomer grandparent. each family is different. most of my kids friends have grandparents that help out. in fact, i don't know a single one who doesn't have that.

i babysit for my grandkids once a week (at a minimum), so my daughter can work. her job makes it hard/not cost effective for daycare. so we make it work as a family. and it is not spoil them and hand them back. they act better for me than they do for her.

i also babysit when they go away for an adult vacay.

so your problem is not a problem for everyone with boomer parents.

Anonymous wrote:That you had kids late, and now they're very old, and are rigid and inflexible in a way they wouldn't have been, were they in their 50s.

In order to have had kids when my parents were in their 50s, I would have had to have kids in my early 20s, at a time when my parents would have been HORRIFIED if I'd become a parent because they really drilled it into me that I needed to have more money, own a home, and be established in my career before marrying and having any kids. Yet now they are annoyed that they are grandparents to young kids at an older age and blame me for not having kids until my early 30s

This sort of hypocrisy is very common. In my 20s, I had roommates and lived in crappy places because it was cheaper and enabled me to save. They complained endlessly about this because at 25/26 I didn't have a 3 bedroom house with a nice guest bedroom (preferable two, because they don't like to sleep in the same room, they are not divorced) and the funds to host them easily. Now I do have a house and a guest room (just one, sorry) plus have young kids who would LOVE to see their grandparents, and they complain that they don't want to travel and we should come to them, even though we have school and work and can't go stay with them all the time.

I'm fine with my priorities not always matching up with my parents, but I get tired of these circular arguments where it feels like they always want the exact opposite of what is even possible and are annoyed with me for not being able to bend time and space or overcome basic restrictions like budget or needing an income to accommodate them.

Anonymous wrote:You’re supposed to be independent. Do you understand the meaning of that word? There’s your answer.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:I'm old although I'm not a grandma yet, but my sense from some of my friends is that parents today are much more likely to have a "parenting philosophy" and to ask grandparents to watch the kids but: don't feed them this, don't say that, etc. They used to sell those t-shirts that said things like "feed them sugar and send them home" and "just spoiling my grandchildren" and things like that, but I think often parents may have really specific expectations -- no juice, no TV shows, etc. I think particularly as you get older, that's probably difficult -- to get onboard with a 'parenting philosophy' that didn't exist when you were raising kids.

This is an interesting point. It seems that parenting is harder these days and grandparents may be afraid of doing it wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Stereotyping is stupid and ignorant. Maybe your parents don’t like you because you are stupid and ignorant.

Some stereotypes are true. Sorry if the truth hurts.

Stereotyping is stupid and ignorant. Maybe your parents don’t like you because you are stupid and ignorant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The notion that this is typical of an entire generation is absurd. My boomer parents and ILs could not be more helpful or interested.

It sounds to me like your kid doesn't have great parents, and it comforts you to believe that this is some type of generational failing, rather than specific to your parents, you, and your kid. It's easier to believe that all boomer grandparents are like this, rather than grapple with the realization that your parents don't care that much.

I’ve witnessed both types of grandparent-grandchild relationships involving boomers. Some boomers are really involved grandparents and some are pretty checked out. I don’t have any statistics to cite, but it does seem like this is a pretty consistent complaint about boomers generally.

I can handle my boomer in-laws being checked out as grandparents (they’re old and they deserve to enjoy their twilight years and children probably are overwhelming for them at this point in their lives), but it is annoying when they talk about how family is the most important thing to them and how happy it makes them to see their grandchildren, because in reality, getting to know their grandchildren is a very low priority for them.

This. It's more the hypocrisy at this point that's irritating. Not the hands-off part. That part is nice!

OP to answer your question, I think the parenting style was, in the day "what will other people think". The parents who acted like that parented and socialized like that. Their social life was important (what do other people think of us) and their parenting was all about "what was the "right" thing and what would other people think about their kid. Subtly, like you, the kids are pressured to get good grades and be little paragons of perfection.

Now, as grandparents, they are on facebook and it's exponentially worse. Oh Mary has a picture with all her grandkids. I should do that. When everyone shows up, they want the picture but that's it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If grandparents are local, it would be nice if they’d help in an emergency. But the notion that it’s expected for grandparents to provide ANY childcare (non-emergency) is strange to me. My kids have involved grandparents who will help out if they can (but non-local). It’s great, but they offer. We don’t assume.

My grandparents loved us, but virtually never watched us and mainly seemed more interested in talking to my parents. And it was fine! I had a good relationship with them. But the term “grand parenting” was not a thing. The grandkids were not their focus. I see it all the time on DCUM that people expect grandparents to help them parent. Why? If the grandparents want to do it, they’ll offer. But it shouldn’t be an expectation.

That's interesting. I grew up in the midwest as a millennial and my grandparents *very* frequently watched me. Pretty much any time I was sick, occasionally babysitting on Friday/Saturday nights, and about half of the summer.

Same here. My grandfather came over most Saturday nights and stayed with us for up to two weeks while my parents traveled.
My mom does once a week school pickup and takes them overnight a couple times a year. But the attitude is different. She is hyper critical of me and my parenting and if I protest she says "with all the help I give you I can say whatever I want." My grandparents were polite and if they disagreed with something they bit their tongue.

Anonymous wrote:My mom was born during WW II and she’s the exact same way. Her mother really pitched in ands helped with us as kids a lot. I think it’s a personality thing. My grandma was extroverted and helpful. She raised a daughter who’s introverted and selfish. Perhaps she coddled my mom too much and created a person who wants everyone to do for her instead of paying all the help forward.

I see a lot of similarities between your relatives and mine. Greatest generation grandma bent over backwards to help boomer mom and was always there for her. Grandma had each grandchild stay with her individually and got to know them and their interests.

Now boomer is a grandmother. She doesn’t help any of her children. She doesn’t spend much time with grandchildren. Boomer and grandchildren don’t really know each other and have very awkward social interactions as a result. This didn’t happen because boomer is so elderly; first grandchild arrived when boomer was only 60 and boomer’s always been this kind of grandparent.

I'm old although I'm not a grandma yet, but my sense from some of my friends is that parents today are much more likely to have a "parenting philosophy" and to ask grandparents to watch the kids but: don't feed them this, don't say that, etc. They used to sell those t-shirts that said things like "feed them sugar and send them home" and "just spoiling my grandchildren" and things like that, but I think often parents may have really specific expectations -- no juice, no TV shows, etc. I think particularly as you get older, that's probably difficult -- to get onboard with a 'parenting philosophy' that didn't exist when you were raising kids.