Anonymous wrote:I’m 16:34 and coming back to say my 14 DD had a rough evening. It was nothing with us but something else where she was upset with some drama. I listened for a little, tried to be comforting, she yelled at me but wasn’t too bad, more just venting, then went to shower. She came back out a little while ago to talk a bit more and now is in her room, on her phone. I’m fine with that because texting friends and mindless scrolling is what she needs. Her older sibling and DH took my advice and stayed away. I don’t always take a hard line on screens these days and let her blow off stream. These years are a rollercoaster.

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

Anonymous wrote:Your DH should understand that this is normal for girls to be closer to their mothers. If he wanted the same he should have had a son. It seems he doesn’t understand basic social/biological realities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. She doesn't get friend-phone time until she's completed chores/homework/whatever. Set boundaries.
2. Create a limit on the phone for playing.
3. She and her dad need a weekly thing they do together. Maybe they go put gas in the car, make dinner together, maybe they go to Starbucks, whatever. It doesn't have to be him paying for something for her - it's just time they can count on to be together.

OP here—thanks for your response. When she gets home from school and/or practice, she pretty much requires some downtime, and we give her about an hour. She emerges herself again and then tends to chores, homework, etc. I worry about changing this, since it seems to work.

What’s the consensus on a reasonable amount of time fooling around on her phone? She has it during that hour she decompresses, and likes to talk on it with friends after she showers and before bed. What do you say at this age? Assuming her homework and chores are done, what do you say? Go find something to do?

I really love the 1:1 time with dad suggestion. Thank you for that! Such simple things that can encourage bonding.

Anonymous wrote:As her mother, I feel the most crucial step you need to take immediately is to take your headstrong daughter to the doctor and get her on birth control. Could be her pediatrician or your gynecologist, but you need to do that right away.

Stubborn teen girls will not listen to you (or anyone) later; and later could be too late! Probably not the advice you wanted but it’s crucially important advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

OP here—it’s 100% this, and he’s admitted this. This is where I struggle, because she’s very much closer to me now, when she was his little buddy when she was younger. He’s very much struggling. I’m torn between wishing she’d show him a little affection, but also don’t want her to think people’s emotions are hers to manage. This is normal separation. In her defense, he could meet her where she is in certain areas (watch movies she likes, show an interest in music she likes, etc) but instead he gets defensive when she turns down something HE likes. They don’t know how to give and take with each other.

My husband was like this. He’d watch something with our kids to spend time with them, but when he’d ask them to watch something he liked, they wouldn’t show interest and he’d be so crushed. In a form of retaliation, he’d refuse to watch their stuff again. It was so childish and I never understood it. Can anyone explain it here?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a multi-part question, and maybe I’m not exactly sure what I’m even asking, I’m more so just seeking advice.

DD14 is a freshman, and she’s always been a really good kid. She IS a really good kid, but lately she’s turned into a bit of a Veruca Salt: very demanding, while also being incredibly ungrateful and rude. I realize this is a parent issue, and we fully intend to pull way back, but still aren’t sure how to encourage appreciation. Will this come naturally once she goes without any realizes we are no longer catering to her every whim?

I was once a 14yo girl, so I don’t take much of her occasional bad attitude seriously, especially right after school or in the morning. Her father didn’t have sisters, though, and he takes it VERY personally. They butt heads and I can neither convince him not to take it so personally, nor can I convince her to be kinder to her father. (I also struggle with whether or not it’s her job to cater to her dad’s feelings in that way, as they aren’t hers to manage? Does that make sense?)

I struggle with after-school/post-extracurricular rules as it pertains to phone time. She uses her phone to talk with friends, but she also uses it to scroll TikTok (she has child settings still) and Pinterest and Roblox, which is its own can of worms since she plays with friends. She rarely comes out for “family time” and the only way we can get her to do anything with us is if it’s something to her, like taking her shopping or to dinner, which I think is typical, but my husband struggles with (Again, girls. I used to bond with my mom at this age over Friday night shopping and Mrs. Field’s cookies.) Do we implement a mandatory family night once a week? Or is this out of line?

Any other advice you have for teen girls age?

OP, to the piece about butting heads with her dad: Understand and talk to him separately about this. He is experiencing her growing up in a way that you, as her mother, do not and cannot. You note that he didn't have sisters, so he's likely unfamiliar with the hormonal mood swings of young teen girls as well. He is likely transferring this into his sadness and fear that she is really growing up and will soon be out of the house, etc. Help him express that to you so that he recognizes it as his mourning and it's nothing that she is "doing to him."

OP here—it’s 100% this, and he’s admitted this. This is where I struggle, because she’s very much closer to me now, when she was his little buddy when she was younger. He’s very much struggling. I’m torn between wishing she’d show him a little affection, but also don’t want her to think people’s emotions are hers to manage. This is normal separation. In her defense, he could meet her where she is in certain areas (watch movies she likes, show an interest in music she likes, etc) but instead he gets defensive when she turns down something HE likes. They don’t know how to give and take with each other.