Sometimes, it truly just takes time. We moved here from the west coast and my son entered 7th grade at a DC private. The other kids had already bonded, and breaking in socially was a bit rough for a shy kid to figure out. He was in sports and did great, joined clubs and had fun but that’s not always the magic key that people seem to think it is. He had a lot of “school friends” but rarely talked to any of those kids out of school. It took several months.

This is why it's best to avoid private schools altogether.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this problem. We are on year 4 and my son still hasn't broken in. Other moms have noticed and gave helpful tips:
"You should think about moving to where we all live because the boys hang out on bikes in the neighborhood."
"It's all about sports. Travel baseball, travel soccer, lacrosse."
"You should join the club and have him do summer swim"
My son is extremely unathletic and would never make any of these teams and we do not have money to join the club or move. So he sticks to neighborhood friends.

My son is similar. MS was really hard. Now in HS, he and all the other boys in honors math have become good friends. I would prefer he be friends with the nerds than the athletes any day!

That gives me hope! They had to pick partners for math the other day and he said the "popular boys" all wanted him for a partner because he's so good at math. Made him feel good for a bit.
I forced him to pick a kid to come over after school and he was able to come up with a name so that's a start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that it can take a long time for boys to break in. My son joined a boys school for 9th grade and it was a full year before he had a group of friends and he's a very social kid. By 11th grade it was like he had been there for a decade.

I think this is because boys become close through shared experiences. Girls actively seek connection and closeness. Boys are different.

OP here. Thanks. He is just a 6th grader so maybe that means by 8th grade it will be smooth. Oy. Interesting about how boys make connections. I always assumed it would be easier for boys, but his social skills (and maybe even the social skills of his classmates) are not creating fast friendships.

Some parents only want to know you if you can do something for like socially or professionally. Depends on the school but it can be daunting. Good news kids start to make their own frieinds but at some of the boys schools the parents still control their kids lives throughtout high school years. Plan homecoming parties etc..

Advice to you is to volunteer, reach out, offer to host the pre cotillion dinner if he is doing something like that. You will have to host something or help plan something to break in and be helpful. If not cotillion, someitng else kids are involved in ie: host a team dinner for kids, etc.. you will have to put in the effort if you are new. Good luck. Dont take it personally if it takes a bit to meet the "nice" parents. They are out there.

Anonymous wrote:I had this problem. We are on year 4 and my son still hasn't broken in. Other moms have noticed and gave helpful tips:
"You should think about moving to where we all live because the boys hang out on bikes in the neighborhood."
"It's all about sports. Travel baseball, travel soccer, lacrosse."
"You should join the club and have him do summer swim"
My son is extremely unathletic and would never make any of these teams and we do not have money to join the club or move. So he sticks to neighborhood friends.

My son is similar. MS was really hard. Now in HS, he and all the other boys in honors math have become good friends. I would prefer he be friends with the nerds than the athletes any day!

Anonymous wrote:It needs more time, but you also need to have your eyes wide open as to the reasons. Whatever they may be, understanding the reasons is the most important thing here.

Ugh, DC in a nutshell for you.

Agree that you should try and host/have some of the other boys over to your house. Depending on when this school started (what grade), a lot of them already have very strong and established friendships and will default to one another. However, that doesn't mean that boys aren't open to making new friends. Offer to host some of the boys after school one day.

Anonymous wrote:We are west coasters too…. Six years later we gave in and sucked up the country club $. It’s helped a lot. But it’s never going to be Southern California friendly. That’s just not the vibe here in our experience. We will be returning to CA as soon as my husband retires!

OP here. such a different feeling here! I really had to retire my sweatpants.

Anonymous wrote:This happens to girls too. My child started in middle school, all girls, and although she fit the typical things -- plays sports, strong academically, "normal" looking -- it took at least 2 years to make connections. The bounds from lower school or pre-lower school were too tight, and the middle schools girls were more concerned about protecting their own social status rather than welcoming new kids.

Op here. Thanks for responding. Yes, my child looks and even acts very 'normal' lol. But he has zero skills for how to navigate deep relationships that span school, parental friendships, swim/country clubs. For now I guess we stay the course and try to meet up with others.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that it can take a long time for boys to break in. My son joined a boys school for 9th grade and it was a full year before he had a group of friends and he's a very social kid. By 11th grade it was like he had been there for a decade.

I think this is because boys become close through shared experiences. Girls actively seek connection and closeness. Boys are different.

OP here. Thanks. He is just a 6th grader so maybe that means by 8th grade it will be smooth. Oy. Interesting about how boys make connections. I always assumed it would be easier for boys, but his social skills (and maybe even the social skills of his classmates) are not creating fast friendships.

This happens to girls too. My child started in middle school, all girls, and although she fit the typical things -- plays sports, strong academically, "normal" looking -- it took at least 2 years to make connections. The bounds from lower school or pre-lower school were too tight, and the middle schools girls were more concerned about protecting their own social status rather than welcoming new kids.

Anonymous wrote:We are new this year to strong all boys school. My son is a middle schooler. We are also new to the DC area. Being new is always a process but its been tougher than I anticipated for my son. Looking for some suggestions on how to help him navigate the social scene. We live in DC proper and not a part that has a lot of other families. Willing to spend some money but not a country club membership amount of money. We are west coasters.

We worried about that. In the end, DC did not become "popular" or part of the "in" social scene in school. The hidden benefit of this is that our DC did not do drugs, did not drink alcohol, and avoided other pitfalls. Sadly, many of the popular "in" crowd kids fell into at least one of those traps. So maybe count your blessings?

I had this problem. We are on year 4 and my son still hasn't broken in. Other moms have noticed and gave helpful tips:
"You should think about moving to where we all live because the boys hang out on bikes in the neighborhood."
"It's all about sports. Travel baseball, travel soccer, lacrosse."
"You should join the club and have him do summer swim"
My son is extremely unathletic and would never make any of these teams and we do not have money to join the club or move. So he sticks to neighborhood friends.

Agree with the others that it can take a long time for boys to break in. My son joined a boys school for 9th grade and it was a full year before he had a group of friends and he's a very social kid. By 11th grade it was like he had been there for a decade.

I think this is because boys become close through shared experiences. Girls actively seek connection and closeness. Boys are different.