Anonymous wrote:Every teenage girl needs to have some secrets from their parents that their friends help them out with. I think instead of hammering home that she's not allowed to date, talk to her about healthy teenage relationships, common issues that come up in them, ways boys try to manipulate girls, how to deal with emotional abuse, and tell her if she's EVER in over her head she can use you as a way to get out. "Oh, my mom won't let me/grounded me/is being super strict".

And it's okay for a slightly immature 15 yr old to flirt and talk with boys! It's okay if it escalates emotionally. It's even okay if she gets her feelings hurt! That's all part of growing up. You can't smooth out her entire life for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're over thinking things. Have a talk with her about boys/relationships etc. But the second you start banning this boy or making sure he's not around when she's out with friends, things will go downhill. She's 15. She has a PT job and sounds like is social with friends. Sounds like she's a responsible and good kid. Don't ruin things by making her feel like she needs to sneak around.

I’m definitely not budging on her not dating right now, but I feel better about her meeting him in public with friends, and I definitely don’t want her sneaking around—I’m just looking for that happy medium.

When you say you don’t want her dating, what does the word dating mean to you? Because it seems like she is dating him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're over thinking things. Have a talk with her about boys/relationships etc. But the second you start banning this boy or making sure he's not around when she's out with friends, things will go downhill. She's 15. She has a PT job and sounds like is social with friends. Sounds like she's a responsible and good kid. Don't ruin things by making her feel like she needs to sneak around.

I’m definitely not budging on her not dating right now, but I feel better about her meeting him in public with friends, and I definitely don’t want her sneaking around—I’m just looking for that happy medium.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that she is too young. I also think it’s a red flag that he isn’t giving her time and space with her friends. That seems controlling. I’d supervise the FaceTimes and read through the texts. Tell her you are doing this. Some guys just aren’t safe. She needs to learn to be discerning. It’s okay for him to be in a friend group with her, but everyone needs to know it’s friend only and he isn’t acting like they if he is showing up uninvited.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

I agree, and I would actually take the opposite viewpoint that A LOT of good comes out of it if they are starting to explore dating while they are young enough that you still have the ability to help them manage decision-making. As parents we don’t get to decide when our kids consider someone in their life a boyfriend or a girlfriend, we do get to decide when they are allowed to be alone with someone, when they’re given access to the healthcare they need, that they have good information about safety, respect and boundaries, etc. Also, FWIW, young relationships can often be really sweet and memorable. I work in a healthcare setting where I see a lot of teenagers with “super strict” parents and I’m telling you those kids are often at the highest risk because they have no one to talk to about decision they’re making. Please, and I mean this with kindness, be the parent your kid can talk to.

OP here. This is exactly what I mean and what we restrict when it comes to dating: they aren’t allowed to be alone together. I’d love any other advice you have for making sure he/other boys don’t become the proverbial forbidden fruit before we think she’s mature enough to handle actual dating. 1:1 dating. I admit that part of my concern is that I had super strict parents and was that high-risk kid. I don’t want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for DD because I’m afraid to let her be around boys because I was sneaky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

And I have a daughter who was broken up with in 9th grade and who really struggled with self-esteem afterwards. What’s your point? In hindsight, I wish we had established some rules on dating (ie not allowing it).

Do you try to protect your kids from all bad feelings? Isn’t it better for her to have felt that when she was home and under your wing than just a few years later when she’s off at college and surrounded by other teens and navigating a ton of other changes.

I have suffered low self esteem and it had nothing to do with dating. I want to arm my kids with tools to move on past problems, not try to snowplow all obstacles so that they don’t have to feel bad. The best way to develop their resilience is to deal with challenges and be supported during difficult times and coached to cope with hardships in healthy ways. I think the best time to deal with first heart break is in high school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

I agree, and I would actually take the opposite viewpoint that A LOT of good comes out of it if they are starting to explore dating while they are young enough that you still have the ability to help them manage decision-making. As parents we don’t get to decide when our kids consider someone in their life a boyfriend or a girlfriend, we do get to decide when they are allowed to be alone with someone, when they’re given access to the healthcare they need, that they have good information about safety, respect and boundaries, etc. Also, FWIW, young relationships can often be really sweet and memorable. I work in a healthcare setting where I see a lot of teenagers with “super strict” parents and I’m telling you those kids are often at the highest risk because they have no one to talk to about decision they’re making. Please, and I mean this with kindness, be the parent your kid can talk to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

And I have a daughter who was broken up with in 9th grade and who really struggled with self-esteem afterwards. What’s your point? In hindsight, I wish we had established some rules on dating (ie not allowing it).

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.

I agree, and I would actually take the opposite viewpoint that A LOT of good comes out of it if they are starting to explore dating while they are young enough that you still have the ability to help them manage decision-making. As parents we don’t get to decide when our kids consider someone in their life a boyfriend or a girlfriend, we do get to decide when they are allowed to be alone with someone, when they’re given access to the healthcare they need, that they have good information about safety, respect and boundaries, etc. Also, FWIW, young relationships can often be really sweet and memorable. I work in a healthcare setting where I see a lot of teenagers with “super strict” parents and I’m telling you those kids are often at the highest risk because they have no one to talk to about decision they’re making. Please, and I mean this with kindness, be the parent your kid can talk to.

Anonymous wrote:The more you restrict, the more likely she’s going to NOT tell you things. Teenage hormones are stronger than you think and she is likely to defy you. Don’t you want an open relationship with your teens? “Nothing good comes of it” is a judgement and not a fact. My DS had a girlfriend in 9th grade at age 14. They talked on the phone and hung out at school or at one of their houses always when a parent was home (other mom and I are friends and made sure of it). They’re not dating anymore but they’re still friends. They didn’t have sex. I think they had a good first dating to have learned some social norms.