Your son lacks accountability.

Anonymous wrote:DH got a D on a math test. He's saying the review materials weren't helpful, that his dad shouldn't have taken him to a movie on Sunday night, that he didn't have time to study, on and on. To his credit he messaged the teacher about a retake for partial credit. It is rough because he has ADHD and dyslexia; some subjects are tough for him. But it's also hard to watch as a parent. I can't force him to study. He's now really upset with the grade and saying he's not intelligent.

Help?

I hope you meant "dear son" rather than "dear husband!"

It is hard to watch but, you need to. Tell him he intelligence has nothing to do with it. Being unprepared is the reason for the D. Maybe he will learn.

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, you can force him to study. Take away privileges unless he does study. We surround them with a million distractions. But you can remove those distractions and force him to study. No phone, no internet, no TV, no Sunday night movies until priorities are completed. There should not be drama about this at his age.

That doesn’t teach him HOW to study. Only to sit there staring at a screen/book ruminating on how much he hates math and his parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH got a D on a math test. He's saying the review materials weren't helpful, that his dad shouldn't have taken him to a movie on Sunday night, that he didn't have time to study, on and on. To his credit he messaged the teacher about a retake for partial credit. It is rough because he has ADHD and dyslexia; some subjects are tough for him. But it's also hard to watch as a parent. I can't force him to study. He's now really upset with the grade and saying he's not intelligent.

Help?

The DH should not take the ADHD/dyslexia kid to the movies on Sunday night before a school day.

What?! No outings on the weekend for a kid bc he has SN? No movie plays late on Sundays so the kid was probably home by 7.

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, you can force him to study. Take away privileges unless he does study. We surround them with a million distractions. But you can remove those distractions and force him to study. No phone, no internet, no TV, no Sunday night movies until priorities are completed. There should not be drama about this at his age.

Force, force, force. How about support, encourage and enjoy? My kids enjoy studying because it's a comfortable, social activity.

What done is done. Don't harangue him about it. Make a plan for how to learn, review, and master the material going forward, and make a plan for test prep.

Don't dwell on the past. Focus on "get ready for the the next test."

As a parent, you can force him to study. Take away privileges unless he does study. We surround them with a million distractions. But you can remove those distractions and force him to study. No phone, no internet, no TV, no Sunday night movies until priorities are completed. There should not be drama about this at his age.

Anonymous wrote:Focus on the lesson learned. Commend him for caring about his grades. Put this one bad grade in perspective (it's not the end of the world). Tell him that resilience is the best thing he can learn and taking responsibility for his own actions means he needs to own his failures and learn from them but it also means his successes are his too!

This is the way. If you focus on learning -- what did he learn about himself, about what studying entails for different subjects, about his own emotional reaction to different things, and about what that emotional reaction means (he cares! That's cool!) -- then even setbacks, disappointments, and moments of embarrassment or shame can become "wins."

Long-term, this ability to give himself a beat to notice, observe, think about what it all means, and to learn takes a lot of pressure off of any one outcome...and will help him respond instead of react. Of course it won't happen right away, and you can't make it happen right now. All you can do is create the space and the conversation.