Anonymous
09/15/2025 02:13
Subject: Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
We took a mixed approach. We did the things that my in-laws felt were most important for my and baby’s spiritual and physical health. Great grandma made me a shirt to wear under my clothes for the first trimester and my son slept on it for the first three months. We shaved his head the day the umbilical cord fell off. My mother in law covered us both in Vaseline and red powder and prayed for us a few times. We let my in laws choose my son’s middle name. It was all really new for me. but besides the nerves around shaving a newborn’s head with a straight razor (which my MIL has done dozens of times), it meant a lot to them and didn’t really inconvenience us too much.
We found a middle ground on the “don’t take the baby out in public for 100 days” rule. We went for walks around the park/neighborhood as a family (MIL was with us too). then around 2 months we took him to coffee shops or restaurants with outdoor seating. We took him outside at midnight to see the first full moon.
I was supposed to be at home on bed rest for 100 days, which would have been great if I lived in a village and all of the women in the family took care of all of our needs. We’ve skipped most of the recommended natural remedies. I agree that a lot of the suggestions were pre-vaccine and modern medicines and really about minimizing exposure to anything that might lead to untimely death.
We found a middle ground on the “don’t take the baby out in public for 100 days” rule. We went for walks around the park/neighborhood as a family (MIL was with us too). then around 2 months we took him to coffee shops or restaurants with outdoor seating. We took him outside at midnight to see the first full moon.
I was supposed to be at home on bed rest for 100 days, which would have been great if I lived in a village and all of the women in the family took care of all of our needs. We’ve skipped most of the recommended natural remedies. I agree that a lot of the suggestions were pre-vaccine and modern medicines and really about minimizing exposure to anything that might lead to untimely death.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 22:33
Subject: Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
OP my parents are immigrants and their home country has a lot of traditions they follow. I didn't do most of them when the kids were babies - I was focused on their safety and also overwhelmed.
But now that they are in the kid phase, I am leaning back toward traditions I actually value and want to make part of their lives. Basically I pick and choose. My parents appreciate what I do (I think) and now they also try to build on that rather than suggesting random things.
But now that they are in the kid phase, I am leaning back toward traditions I actually value and want to make part of their lives. Basically I pick and choose. My parents appreciate what I do (I think) and now they also try to build on that rather than suggesting random things.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 22:04
Subject: Re:Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
Honestly my advice would be to just humor them if there is no harm, and ignore if there is harm. Part of it is that these are cultural traditions, which sound like they are very important to your family and truly what's the harm? We have have traditions that are not really rationale and I think we don't get it until we become grandparents perhaps.
Other part of it is, family becomes very important after you have a baby. They can be tremendously helpful if you set up the relationship well. By outright dismissing their tradition, you are essentially building a wall. If that is what you want, fine. If not, be more tactful. If no harm, just humor. For others, harmful or just annoying, just say you keep forgetting or it's not convenient or explain dangers. Talk to them about the hardships you are facing and often time they will offer to help or will drop their tradition demands when they hear how overwhelmed you are.
Other part of it is, family becomes very important after you have a baby. They can be tremendously helpful if you set up the relationship well. By outright dismissing their tradition, you are essentially building a wall. If that is what you want, fine. If not, be more tactful. If no harm, just humor. For others, harmful or just annoying, just say you keep forgetting or it's not convenient or explain dangers. Talk to them about the hardships you are facing and often time they will offer to help or will drop their tradition demands when they hear how overwhelmed you are.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 19:53
Subject: Re:Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
Anonymous wrote:I very much followed the South Asian postpartum and newborn practices that my mom and MIL told me to do in US. My mom and aunt were visiting me for the first 3 months.
- Keeping baby and mom warm, (yes, the no "direct air on mom-baby" is a real thing). Sweating is considered good way to get rid of toxins.
- making mom drink hot beverages,
- daily multiple warm oil massages for mom and baby,
- daily warm bath (with lots of herbs) bath for mom,
- belly button care with turmeric poultice.
- sunning indoors in morning sun.
- minimal reading or devices or watching TV. Your eyes are also weakened with pregnancy and childbirth and you are not allowed to strain them. I listened to a lot of audio books.
- No knitting or needle work
- specific foods for mom to build up the bone strength, repair injuries, increase milk production and get the gut working well
- specific mouth washes, binding the stomach with a long piece of fabric,
- my MIL wanted my mom to give me a very high protein drink - (whole milk boiled with dried ginger powder, cardamom, edible gum powder, sesame seeds powder, almond, walnuts, pine nuts, prunes, cashew powder, raisins, foxtail nuts)- at least 3 times a day. I was given some kind of warm beverage each time I nursed my baby.
- easy to digest foods with fiber in it. They believed that what I eat will impact the gut health of my babies so I was given specific foods.
- soaking in sitz bath with chamomile and calendula flowers.
- no work for mom until the postpartum bleeding stops.
- no visitors for first 6 weeks.
- I was only responsible for playing with my baby and nursing her. My mom took care of all the other tasks of baby care.
- (Of course, no sex for first 3-6 months at least)
We had hired house cleaners, someone who could do grocery for us, do the laundry, cook etc. - as is our cultural practice. I basically followed whatever my mom asked me to do. She did not want me to start solids before 9 months and to EBF my babies. And I did that because culturally a lot of support is put in place when women have children to enable us to follow these rules.
Some of these things are silly: "- No knitting or needle work ", "eyes are weak after a few days giving birth"? I needed air. It was stuffy. I don't feel good when I'm stuffy. My kids were born in the summer. There was nothing wrong with my eyes while pregnant or after giving birth.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 19:33
Subject: Re:Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
Anonymous wrote:I very much followed the South Asian postpartum and newborn practices that my mom and MIL told me to do in US. My mom and aunt were visiting me for the first 3 months.
- Keeping baby and mom warm, (yes, the no "direct air on mom-baby" is a real thing). Sweating is considered good way to get rid of toxins.
- making mom drink hot beverages,
- daily multiple warm oil massages for mom and baby,
- daily warm bath (with lots of herbs) bath for mom,
- belly button care with turmeric poultice.
- sunning indoors in morning sun.
- minimal reading or devices or watching TV. Your eyes are also weakened with pregnancy and childbirth and you are not allowed to strain them. I listened to a lot of audio books.
- No knitting or needle work
- specific foods for mom to build up the bone strength, repair injuries, increase milk production and get the gut working well
- specific mouth washes, binding the stomach with a long piece of fabric,
- my MIL wanted my mom to give me a very high protein drink - (whole milk boiled with dried ginger powder, cardamom, edible gum powder, sesame seeds powder, almond, walnuts, pine nuts, prunes, cashew powder, raisins, foxtail nuts)- at least 3 times a day. I was given some kind of warm beverage each time I nursed my baby.
- easy to digest foods with fiber in it. They believed that what I eat will impact the gut health of my babies so I was given specific foods.
- soaking in sitz bath with chamomile and calendula flowers.
- no work for mom until the postpartum bleeding stops.
- no visitors for first 6 weeks.
- I was only responsible for playing with my baby and nursing her. My mom took care of all the other tasks of baby care.
- (Of course, no sex for first 3-6 months at least)
We had hired house cleaners, someone who could do grocery for us, do the laundry, cook etc. - as is our cultural practice. I basically followed whatever my mom asked me to do. She did not want me to start solids before 9 months and to EBF my babies. And I did that because culturally a lot of support is put in place when women have children to enable us to follow these rules.
Most of this is actually useful and based on long accrued evidence. If only we could all be treated this way post-partum.
But there are plenty of superstitions that are not helpful that we can ditch.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 18:40
Subject: Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
If it isn't harmful, might humor them.
Some things are real remedies by the way. Many are silly bunk, same as many commonly accepted medical ideas these days.
People in the future, hopefully, will look back on our modern medical fields with humor and disgust, as well as shock in many ways.
Some things are real remedies by the way. Many are silly bunk, same as many commonly accepted medical ideas these days.
People in the future, hopefully, will look back on our modern medical fields with humor and disgust, as well as shock in many ways.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 13:08
Subject: Re:Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
I very much followed the South Asian postpartum and newborn practices that my mom and MIL told me to do in US. My mom and aunt were visiting me for the first 3 months.
- Keeping baby and mom warm, (yes, the no "direct air on mom-baby" is a real thing). Sweating is considered good way to get rid of toxins.
- making mom drink hot beverages,
- daily multiple warm oil massages for mom and baby,
- daily warm bath (with lots of herbs) bath for mom,
- belly button care with turmeric poultice.
- sunning indoors in morning sun.
- minimal reading or devices or watching TV. Your eyes are also weakened with pregnancy and childbirth and you are not allowed to strain them. I listened to a lot of audio books.
- No knitting or needle work
- specific foods for mom to build up the bone strength, repair injuries, increase milk production and get the gut working well
- specific mouth washes, binding the stomach with a long piece of fabric,
- my MIL wanted my mom to give me a very high protein drink - (whole milk boiled with dried ginger powder, cardamom, edible gum powder, sesame seeds powder, almond, walnuts, pine nuts, prunes, cashew powder, raisins, foxtail nuts)- at least 3 times a day. I was given some kind of warm beverage each time I nursed my baby.
- easy to digest foods with fiber in it. They believed that what I eat will impact the gut health of my babies so I was given specific foods.
- soaking in sitz bath with chamomile and calendula flowers.
- no work for mom until the postpartum bleeding stops.
- no visitors for first 6 weeks.
- I was only responsible for playing with my baby and nursing her. My mom took care of all the other tasks of baby care.
- (Of course, no sex for first 3-6 months at least)
We had hired house cleaners, someone who could do grocery for us, do the laundry, cook etc. - as is our cultural practice. I basically followed whatever my mom asked me to do. She did not want me to start solids before 9 months and to EBF my babies. And I did that because culturally a lot of support is put in place when women have children to enable us to follow these rules.
- Keeping baby and mom warm, (yes, the no "direct air on mom-baby" is a real thing). Sweating is considered good way to get rid of toxins.
- making mom drink hot beverages,
- daily multiple warm oil massages for mom and baby,
- daily warm bath (with lots of herbs) bath for mom,
- belly button care with turmeric poultice.
- sunning indoors in morning sun.
- minimal reading or devices or watching TV. Your eyes are also weakened with pregnancy and childbirth and you are not allowed to strain them. I listened to a lot of audio books.
- No knitting or needle work
- specific foods for mom to build up the bone strength, repair injuries, increase milk production and get the gut working well
- specific mouth washes, binding the stomach with a long piece of fabric,
- my MIL wanted my mom to give me a very high protein drink - (whole milk boiled with dried ginger powder, cardamom, edible gum powder, sesame seeds powder, almond, walnuts, pine nuts, prunes, cashew powder, raisins, foxtail nuts)- at least 3 times a day. I was given some kind of warm beverage each time I nursed my baby.
- easy to digest foods with fiber in it. They believed that what I eat will impact the gut health of my babies so I was given specific foods.
- soaking in sitz bath with chamomile and calendula flowers.
- no work for mom until the postpartum bleeding stops.
- no visitors for first 6 weeks.
- I was only responsible for playing with my baby and nursing her. My mom took care of all the other tasks of baby care.
- (Of course, no sex for first 3-6 months at least)
We had hired house cleaners, someone who could do grocery for us, do the laundry, cook etc. - as is our cultural practice. I basically followed whatever my mom asked me to do. She did not want me to start solids before 9 months and to EBF my babies. And I did that because culturally a lot of support is put in place when women have children to enable us to follow these rules.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 12:50
Subject: Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
I'd be okay with the ankle bracelet while the baby is too young to grab it.
If you don't follow any folk customs, I guarantee your kid will have school assignments about their heritage and traditions and you'll have nothing to talk about.
The "food of my people" is 1950s Jello salads. I know what I'm talking about.
I had to reach the age of 50 and learn a lot of complicated genealogy before I could authentically lay claim to some European folk costumes that realistically might match something my ancestors wore. In the meantime, I appropriated Austrian trachten, a Dutch girl outfit, and bought a pretty $20 yukata at Uniqlo in Japan that I've never worn because it became politically cancellable to wear cultural clothing associated with different racial groups than your own.
If it's medically harmless, I'd allow your elders to do whatever when they are around.
If you don't follow any folk customs, I guarantee your kid will have school assignments about their heritage and traditions and you'll have nothing to talk about.
The "food of my people" is 1950s Jello salads. I know what I'm talking about.
I had to reach the age of 50 and learn a lot of complicated genealogy before I could authentically lay claim to some European folk costumes that realistically might match something my ancestors wore. In the meantime, I appropriated Austrian trachten, a Dutch girl outfit, and bought a pretty $20 yukata at Uniqlo in Japan that I've never worn because it became politically cancellable to wear cultural clothing associated with different racial groups than your own.
If it's medically harmless, I'd allow your elders to do whatever when they are around.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 12:45
Subject: Re:Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
I think it's relevant that these are not cultural beliefs you had ever heard of. Obviously you don't remember being an infant yourself, but you never saw any cousins doing the red string thing? No pictures of you? No stories? To me, that says it's not really an entrenched belief.
My mom tried (and still tries) to create family traditions in every possible context. I think it soothes some anxiety she has around how to behave and whether she's relevant, and it could be that's what's going on with your baby's grandparents too.
So I hold on to the created traditions that I actually remember from my own childhood and that I like. I ditch the ones that she made up more recently, or that I remember but that weren't important to me.
My mom tried (and still tries) to create family traditions in every possible context. I think it soothes some anxiety she has around how to behave and whether she's relevant, and it could be that's what's going on with your baby's grandparents too.
So I hold on to the created traditions that I actually remember from my own childhood and that I like. I ditch the ones that she made up more recently, or that I remember but that weren't important to me.
Anonymous
09/14/2025 12:36
Subject: Immigrant/similar families: how did you handle entrenched folk beliefs?
Anonymous wrote:Are there other cultural things you can do that are not harmful and will make them feel more valued? Or maybe spackate them — like I am worried baby will choke on the red string or get it wrapped about his little fingers and cut off circulation, but could you rock him and sing him that song for babies? I think that would help more than the string.
I have a clear memory from my childhood or being burned and my GM wanted to put butter on it. My mom was a nurse and knew that was dangerous. They compromised on tea bags so I laid on the coach with cool wet tea bags on my face for an hour.
? that's not what OP's MIL wants OP to do, so I don't think that would help in OP's current situation.