Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^
Two things I forgot to acknowledge.

-Yes, of course money can help. The music lessons alone costs thousands every thousands every year.

-He is only 9 and I know we have a long way to go, but just sharing what’s been helpful so far.

99% of 9 year olds are great kids

I know, ages 5 through 12 are the good years.

I have two really smart, funny, polite and curious kids. I don't think it had a whole lot to do with parenting. I believe they see how we behave in the world, and sometimes will ask questions as to why I did something. I really think I just got lucky and they are still ES/MS and sometimes I worry they are so smart/clever with some things (technology) that I'm going to open the door to the FBI and a camera crew at some point, to be told my 15 year old is the head of a crime family.

I don’t for a second take credit for my kids’ good qualities. It’s luck.

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

Published in 98? I’d be curious to see what changes in this theory given how much tech we have now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I disagree. A lot can be done if you take away the junk “food” products, excess sugar, and screens. DH jokes that I’m an Amish mom, but we saw a huge behavioral shift once we cut these things completely out for awhile.

Anonymous wrote:All I know is my kids are better than yours.

And I’ll tell you about it at length.

There very little you can do as parents - it’s their peer group that matters.

I think there’s a lot you can do as parents in the younger grades. Then peer group takes over. When I saw this start to happen I put DS in a Christian school.

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

What makes your kids great IYO?

Age, gender and birth order of your kids.

I think 23 (M) and 20 (F) are great kids, and/but they are human and therefore not perfect. Do they look "perfect" to others, probably. They've always been good kids, from good grades in HS to deans list at well-reguarded colleges to a good job for one -- the other is still in college. When they visit friends and other family members they are kind and respectful, and they can hold a conversation with adults.

Hpwever, one has ADHD and impulse control issues and has been in a few jams (fortunately nothing life-altering) and the other has anxiety and has also had their share of trouble. Those who know me well know exactly where the gray hair and stress wrinkles come from, but most probably think we're lucky.

I think we have been good parents (no addiction or abuse), everyone in our house has everything we need and some of what we want, but also not perfect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have four kids, ages 17, 15, 13, & 11. My two middle kids are affectionate, bright, make friends easily, work hard at everything they do, and are just overall easy to parent. They have their issues, but they are typical kid issues. My oldest and youngest are considerably more difficult.

I often joke with my husband that if we just had our middle two kids, we would be giving everyone parenting advice.

I have one way child and one very difficult child. It would be easy to be smug if I didn’t know how a freak accident can overturn all the great things we do for both children.

Right? All of my kids were at a super small school for a few years where all of the teachers and administrators knew all four of them. It was so nice to have a break from people telling us that we were bad parents.

Anonymous wrote:If so...how much is family culture, nature vs nurture, community, luck, SES?

All of this stuff matters a lot more when you have kids with challenges.

Intelligent, attractive, hardworking kids who make friends easily do well in a lot of environments.

Kids who struggle really benefit from a structured environment, authoritative and flexible parenting, parents who can afford therapy, a school with a good special education program and extra curricular activities, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption

This is correct. All those mommy blogs and insta accounts with all sorts of literal nonsense, none if it science based, none of it researched… and the secret to parenting is just this.

I feel lucky and my kids are good, not great.

They are very similar to us parents in strengths and weaknesses. It is both nature and nurture. I wish I could make some decisions differently, but know there could have been different unintended consequences.

All I know is my kids are better than yours.

And I’ll tell you about it at length.

There very little you can do as parents - it’s their peer group that matters.

My kid is only 6 and is awesome.
But my parents have always raved about how proud they are of the way both their children turned out (52F and 47M). They never had much monetarily but did their best to inculcate strong values and give us a secure, happy childhood and never compromised on our education. We were also lucky that we were very typical kids: no physical or mental issues which can derail the best laid plans and intentions.

Anonymous wrote:No, quite the opposite. Having kids was the greatest mistake of our lives.

I’m sorry. That’s hard.

Parenting is critical if you mean "genetic inheritance" and "peer group selectors". Otherwise, not so much.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/633128.The_Nurture_Assumption