OP I think you might benefit from more friendships for adult time- and given your life I would seek out neighbors who can pop by for a drink or for coffee without it being a big thing. I would also say get a commitment or two of your own in the evenings- anything that’s regular and you can let the family know you’re at pottery from 8-9 and dad needs to be on call for rides or they can take a cab/uber.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a parenting problem it’s a husband problem. You are articulating it - you are lonely and bored. You’re raising kids alone most of the time and he’s providing the money. I had this type of arrangement when my kids were young and turns out I didn’t like it. I even said what you are saying - I like my husband when I’m with him. I just didn’t want to be raising kids alone. I want to do it with a partner.

We talked about it for years and he finally got out of the job situation (not an attorney). It helped a lot.

To the people saying well don’t marry an attorney. It’s hard to know what it’s going to feel like until you’re in it. I think some people genuinely don’t mind this type of lifestyle. And you love the person so you take the leap of faith.

Not all attorneys work in intense jobs. I went to a T14 and I’ve worked for the federal government my entire career and frankly, being present for my kids and having down time is worth it to me. I’ve never even really felt stressed aside from this year. 😂

I was also going to recommend audio books. Libby and Hoopla are great library options. That plus knitting are good time fillers that you can do in the evenings when you are also “on call” and even in the car in the way to practice (kids can put in headphones if they complain).

Anonymous wrote:Gosh it feels like such a slog. Constant driving, listening to vents/dramas/complaints, cooking food no one is around to eat, but then also being constantly asked for takeout food, my evenings don’t really belong to me. I’m simultaneously too busy to do much for myself, yet totally bored and lonely. Spouse works a ton and helps where he can but, ugh. They tell me thanks and that I am appreciated but I don’t actually feel appreciated.

I know I will be sad when they are gone, I know. But is there any way to actually enjoy this? Because I’m not.

That’s why living in a major metropolitan city with good public transportation is key. My kids have been taking themselves to school and activities since they were 12-13. I get to choose what I want to do with them, and when. It’s quality over quantity.
Have you tried listening to music/audiobooks/podcasts while cooking?

It’s not a parenting problem it’s a husband problem. You are articulating it - you are lonely and bored. You’re raising kids alone most of the time and he’s providing the money. I had this type of arrangement when my kids were young and turns out I didn’t like it. I even said what you are saying - I like my husband when I’m with him. I just didn’t want to be raising kids alone. I want to do it with a partner.

We talked about it for years and he finally got out of the job situation (not an attorney). It helped a lot.

To the people saying well don’t marry an attorney. It’s hard to know what it’s going to feel like until you’re in it. I think some people genuinely don’t mind this type of lifestyle. And you love the person so you take the leap of faith.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is also at a law firm and works like this so I can commiserate. It’s a totally insane way to live and it seems like everyone they work with is just ok with it?

Do you work OP?

OP here. Yes I work 20 hours a week and frankly it’s the best part of my day.

Ok so your DH is by far the breadwinner. Doesn’t seem fair to complain about his absence when you chose to marry an attorney

When I was 24 I had no clue what a lawyer did or that it was “normal” to work like this. Did you have perfect clarity at 24? My parents worked lower paid jobs that were basically just 40 hours per week. I frankly had no idea then that people worked in offices at 9pm.

Probably not. But if OP is honest she might admit that she has enjoyed the spoils of his hard work through the years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is also at a law firm and works like this so I can commiserate. It’s a totally insane way to live and it seems like everyone they work with is just ok with it?

Do you work OP?

OP here. Yes I work 20 hours a week and frankly it’s the best part of my day.

Ok so your DH is by far the breadwinner. Doesn’t seem fair to complain about his absence when you chose to marry an attorney

When I was 24 I had no clue what a lawyer did or that it was “normal” to work like this. Did you have perfect clarity at 24? My parents worked lower paid jobs that were basically just 40 hours per week. I frankly had no idea then that people worked in offices at 9pm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do you need spouse to help with? Can any of that be outsourced so you have more time for yourself?

I’d honestly just like him to keep me company and maybe drive a kid to sports on occasion.

To answer another PP, youngest is 14. So close, but not that close.

What are his hours like?

I feel you. My DH works long hours too and is never here in the evenings, but I enjoy the alone time.

Never done before 7:30, often it’s 9 or later. If I could just chill I’d be okay (but still lonely) but instead I’m schlepping kids, cooking food and cleaning the kitchen.

My kids aren’t “hard” but frankly they are pretty self absorbed which I guess is she appropriate. They aren’t bad company, but they aren’t super interesting company either unless you love TikTok’s and teen drama.

So you have been doing this for more than 14 hours, and your kids were probably much harder before. Do you have any idea why you are feeling all of this right now?

years, not hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do you need spouse to help with? Can any of that be outsourced so you have more time for yourself?

I’d honestly just like him to keep me company and maybe drive a kid to sports on occasion.

To answer another PP, youngest is 14. So close, but not that close.

What are his hours like?

I feel you. My DH works long hours too and is never here in the evenings, but I enjoy the alone time.

Never done before 7:30, often it’s 9 or later. If I could just chill I’d be okay (but still lonely) but instead I’m schlepping kids, cooking food and cleaning the kitchen.

My kids aren’t “hard” but frankly they are pretty self absorbed which I guess is she appropriate. They aren’t bad company, but they aren’t super interesting company either unless you love TikTok’s and teen drama.

So you have been doing this for more than 14 hours, and your kids were probably much harder before. Do you have any idea why you are feeling all of this right now?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do you need spouse to help with? Can any of that be outsourced so you have more time for yourself?

I’d honestly just like him to keep me company and maybe drive a kid to sports on occasion.

To answer another PP, youngest is 14. So close, but not that close.

What are his hours like?

I feel you. My DH works long hours too and is never here in the evenings, but I enjoy the alone time.

Never done before 7:30, often it’s 9 or later. If I could just chill I’d be okay (but still lonely) but instead I’m schlepping kids, cooking food and cleaning the kitchen.

My kids aren’t “hard” but frankly they are pretty self absorbed which I guess is she appropriate. They aren’t bad company, but they aren’t super interesting company either unless you love TikTok’s and teen drama.

Hire a sitter once a week to do the driving.
I only have a 13yo DD. She has soccer 3x a week that starts at 6pm. I get off work at 6pm. On my work days ( I don’t work every day) once a week we pay someone to pick her up at our house, drive her 25 mins there, then either wait 90 mins or go away and come back, then drive her home.
Total time we pay for is 2.5 hours.
I “ could” get her on my way home, bur then I wouldn’t be getting home until 8pm.
So I go home, walk the dog, and do what I need to do alone until DD gets dropped off at 8pm.
It’s worth it to me to throw money at this once a week and have a less stressed evening.
It’s only once a week and I do drive the other 2 days per week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do you need spouse to help with? Can any of that be outsourced so you have more time for yourself?

I’d honestly just like him to keep me company and maybe drive a kid to sports on occasion.

To answer another PP, youngest is 14. So close, but not that close.

PP whose husband is traveling... I get it, OP. It's hard. Kids are more helpful and independent as teens but not the same as adult support and company. Have you and he talked about boundaries at work, days where he doesn't stay late, maybe a timeline for his career?

I just had twins leave for college and no, I don't miss the chaotic years. lol. Life is so much better now--we talk daily, we text, etc. it's lovely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically do you need spouse to help with? Can any of that be outsourced so you have more time for yourself?

I’d honestly just like him to keep me company and maybe drive a kid to sports on occasion.

To answer another PP, youngest is 14. So close, but not that close.

What are his hours like?

I feel you. My DH works long hours too and is never here in the evenings, but I enjoy the alone time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is also at a law firm and works like this so I can commiserate. It’s a totally insane way to live and it seems like everyone they work with is just ok with it?

Do you work OP?

OP here. Yes I work 20 hours a week and frankly it’s the best part of my day.

Ok so your DH is by far the breadwinner. Doesn’t seem fair to complain about his absence when you chose to marry an attorney