Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 60. DH is a few years from retiring. I have been the caretaker for my parents and ILs and I have seen these super-organized, efficient, sharp witted, educated, intelligent human turn into obstinate, bull-headed, fearful, angry, conspiracy theory loving, suspicious, forgetful humans- as they age.

Cognitive decline is very real and sometimes hard to recognize. If you can see their skin sagging and the eyesight and hearing dulling...then their brains have also become dull. They are incapable of taking rational and logical decisions because of paranoia, anger, fear, distrust and inability to take decisions.

At 60, I know that DH and I are also going towards old age and we will end up behaving like them. Lets say that we live for another 25 years (85), what can we do now that can preemptively make the lives of our caregivers (my kids) easier?? That is the big question we should be asking ourselves today.

While we are not in a hurry to sell our house and cars yet...my aim this year and next year is to do the following -

- Do a Swedish Death Cleanse so that we downsize and curate most of our belongings.
- Get all legal and property paperwork in order.
- Consolidate assets.
- Take care of our health. Watch what we eat and how much we eat. Prioritize health, exercise, social connections.
- Spend money to take care of house and yard, so that it is always ready to show to prospective buyers.
- Travel now while we are still in good health.
- Be regular in all our medical checkups.
- Be careful to

I think a lot of what you wrote makes sense. But why do you seem to expect your kids to be your caregivers? You should do all these things and have a plan for how you want things to be handled when you lose abilities-and that shouldn’t be on your kids.

Anonymous wrote:Let them be. They might prefer to enjoy the few years left as best they can, even if that means a slightly earlier death. I think that's a perfectly reasonable tradeoff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 60. DH is a few years from retiring. I have been the caretaker for my parents and ILs and I have seen these super-organized, efficient, sharp witted, educated, intelligent human turn into obstinate, bull-headed, fearful, angry, conspiracy theory loving, suspicious, forgetful humans- as they age.

Cognitive decline is very real and sometimes hard to recognize. If you can see their skin sagging and the eyesight and hearing dulling...then their brains have also become dull. They are incapable of taking rational and logical decisions because of paranoia, anger, fear, distrust and inability to take decisions.

At 60, I know that DH and I are also going towards old age and we will end up behaving like them. Lets say that we live for another 25 years (85), what can we do now that can preemptively make the lives of our caregivers (my kids) easier?? That is the big question we should be asking ourselves today.

While we are not in a hurry to sell our house and cars yet...my aim this year and next year is to do the following -

- Do a Swedish Death Cleanse so that we downsize and curate most of our belongings.
- Get all legal and property paperwork in order.
- Consolidate assets.
- Take care of our health. Watch what we eat and how much we eat. Prioritize health, exercise, social connections.
- Spend money to take care of house and yard, so that it is always ready to show to prospective buyers.
- Travel now while we are still in good health.
- Be regular in all our medical checkups.
- Be careful to

I think a lot of what you wrote makes sense. But why do you seem to expect your kids to be your caregivers? You should do all these things and have a plan for how you want things to be handled when you lose abilities-and that shouldn’t be on your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may have friends, connections, clubs, church, whatever there. Uprooting them from their entire life context would be selfish and cause both to decline.

Unfortunately when cognitive ability (and driving and hearing) goes, those things go to. And their peer group starts so die off, move away, or no longer participate. It's sad but it's the reality. They would be better off moving near OP so that OP could support them in having those things. Even though they will never see it that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend just went through this with her MIL. They took YEARS to persuade her to move closer to them. Eventually what clinched it is that MIL had a couple of bruising (but not bone-breaking) falls and realized she couldn't really look after herself and her puppy (yes, she adopted a puppy in her 80s!).

The move was a nightmare, because she was a little too far gone to sort her belongings and pack just the essentials for her smaller assisted living home. So despite the distance, my friend and her husband had to spend multiple weekends sifting through her stuff and arguing with her about what she could keep and what needed to go. She was not reasonable or helpful. They couldn't just dump everything because important paperwork were missing, like the deed to her property! After weeks of looking, I think they found most of her paperwork.

And now she's in their local senior complex, they're realizing that she has greater needs than the minimal-care, independent situation she's paying for, and that soon the MIL will need to be moved to a higher level of care, within the same complex.

Moral of the story:

1. Do your best to persuade your parents to move sooner rather than later.

2. Find somewhere where they can age in place with different care levels.

You don’t really need the original deed to the property. It’s pretty easy to obtain a copy from the local government if needed.

I had a relative who was semi freaking out about finding the deed to her parents’ very cluttered house after they had both died. I called my lawyer and she said that they didn’t need to worry about it because they could get a copy.

Anonymous wrote:My best friend just went through this with her MIL. They took YEARS to persuade her to move closer to them. Eventually what clinched it is that MIL had a couple of bruising (but not bone-breaking) falls and realized she couldn't really look after herself and her puppy (yes, she adopted a puppy in her 80s!).

The move was a nightmare, because she was a little too far gone to sort her belongings and pack just the essentials for her smaller assisted living home. So despite the distance, my friend and her husband had to spend multiple weekends sifting through her stuff and arguing with her about what she could keep and what needed to go. She was not reasonable or helpful. They couldn't just dump everything because important paperwork were missing, like the deed to her property! After weeks of looking, I think they found most of her paperwork.

And now she's in their local senior complex, they're realizing that she has greater needs than the minimal-care, independent situation she's paying for, and that soon the MIL will need to be moved to a higher level of care, within the same complex.

Moral of the story:

1. Do your best to persuade your parents to move sooner rather than later.

2. Find somewhere where they can age in place with different care levels.

Anonymous wrote:I am 60. DH is a few years from retiring. I have been the caretaker for my parents and ILs and I have seen these super-organized, efficient, sharp witted, educated, intelligent human turn into obstinate, bull-headed, fearful, angry, conspiracy theory loving, suspicious, forgetful humans- as they age.

Cognitive decline is very real and sometimes hard to recognize. If you can see their skin sagging and the eyesight and hearing dulling...then their brains have also become dull. They are incapable of taking rational and logical decisions because of paranoia, anger, fear, distrust and inability to take decisions.

At 60, I know that DH and I are also going towards old age and we will end up behaving like them. Lets say that we live for another 25 years (85), what can we do now that can preemptively make the lives of our caregivers (my kids) easier?? That is the big question we should be asking ourselves today.

While we are not in a hurry to sell our house and cars yet...my aim this year and next year is to do the following -

- Do a Swedish Death Cleanse so that we downsize and curate most of our belongings.
- Get all legal and property paperwork in order.
- Consolidate assets.
- Take care of our health. Watch what we eat and how much we eat. Prioritize health, exercise, social connections.
- Spend money to take care of house and yard, so that it is always ready to show to prospective buyers.
- Travel now while we are still in good health.
- Be regular in all our medical checkups.
- Be careful to

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are almost 80 and live in a rural area about 5 hours from DC. They are financially secure and and independent for now but cognitive ability is slipping with one of them. FIL said his plan may ultimately be to move into the local assisted living home.

if things head in that direction it would be easier and better for everyone for him or them to closer to us so that we can be there for hospital visits and emergencies. I've also seen first-hand how people without family are neglected or stolen form in these types of facilities.

I wonder how feasible it is to care for a parent so many hours away, while also working full-time?

Anonymous wrote:Having been through this, it’s so difficult. Emergencies involve catching flights, trying to work remotely, flying home, feeling guilty that you’re not there, and planning the next trip out. I think it’s a lot to ask of adult kids with children to also care for and FT jobs.