Would you say you are perceived as being "uncool" and have few friends? Please don't take this the wrong way or be offended, but maybe she thinks you're lame?

Like, I'm sure you're not, you seem like a self-aware, well-adjusted person, but maybe it's the typical relationship where the selfish younger sibling tends to think people older than them are uncool.

Also, any differences in politics?

Anonymous wrote:I'd offer her a chance to open up, in a non whiny way. After the wedding and honey moon, I'd say" hey can we talk? I love you and value my relationship with you and want to make sure we are good. If there is anything you need or anything that is on your mind, I am all ears. If she says nothing, you say " okay. I am here if anything comes to mind. I will always love you."

You have to know yourself very well to pull this off. If you tend to sound whiny and/ or defeated, don't do it. But if you can say it and it comes out clear that you are looking out for her and your relationship with her, she might open up.

A friend of mine had this kind of open ended conversation with her adult step daughter and the conversation that followed was very fruitful. The step daughter had a lot of resentment towards her step mom because of the way her father handled blending the family.

I think I will try this, thanks. I know I sound whiney in this post but that's bc I'm just venting and also the casual nature of the forum.

A week ago I would've said that your friend's scenario is nowhere near mine but this thread is convinced there's some resentment I'm not picking up on which I'm realizing is entirely possible. I just can't imagine what it would be about.

Anyway thank you for the helpful suggestion. You are right though it needs to wait until after the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP- you were the golden child and your sister was the black sheep? She probably only asked you to be MOH due to pressure from your parents. Work on making ammends for your privlege.

No, my sister was the baby and was doted on more.

So typical spoiled baby sister who takes people for granted. This dynamic also makes sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't. And I probably wouldn't like you either. You are very self focused.

Seriously you needed a same day phone call because you lost your job🙄

She probably only made you MOH to please your parents and if I had to guess she's probably always had to play second fiddle to you and you have always been fussed over.

Her wedding is not about you.

It's not appropriate to have your navel gazing you don't like me fest.

Grow up.
It's not about you.

nailed it. Sister has a fiance and a new life. It's hard to understand that from the outside.

OP said sister has been acting this way since she went away to college, though.

Yes! Most of my examples were wedding related bc those are the most recent, but it's really been this way for going on ten years now.

Perfect example from when she was in college. I invited her to come visit me in DC and she said that just wouldn't be possible because our parents didn't let her drive on I-95? (This seemed strange to me but I was like, okay, whatever. My dad is protective and I could see him being nervous about my sister driving on a major interstate.) Then a week later she's visiting her roommate in Baltimore, which would've required driving on 95 lol. She hadn't even met her fiancé when this happened. So this behavior has nothing to do with him or the wedding, which I agree with posters who said the wedding is not about me, hence why I haven't brought it up to her while she's planning a wedding.

Anonymous wrote:What is your age difference? Were you 2 close growing up? Does she have a best friend now? Did you think your mother pressured her to choose you for the maid of honor role?

We are only four years apart and we were close growing up, yes.

I don't know that she has A best friend, but she has a group of friends, mostly from high school but she's also good friends with some of her fiancé's friends' wives/girlfriends. One of the fiancé's friends' wives was actually the one who kind of implied I should've done something for the bachelorette party my sister repeatedly said she didn't want.

I don't think my mom pressured her, because my mom doesn't really get involved in our relationship like that. She told me she thought I should've been dress shopping but that she kind of felt like her hands were tied bc she didn't want to pressure my sister. So, I can't imagine her putting pressure on the MoH thing.

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP- you were the golden child and your sister was the black sheep? She probably only asked you to be MOH due to pressure from your parents. Work on making ammends for your privlege.

No, my sister was the baby and was doted on more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't. And I probably wouldn't like you either. You are very self focused.

Seriously you needed a same day phone call because you lost your job🙄

She probably only made you MOH to please your parents and if I had to guess she's probably always had to play second fiddle to you and you have always been fussed over.

Her wedding is not about you.

It's not appropriate to have your navel gazing you don't like me fest.

Grow up.
It's not about you.

nailed it. Sister has a fiance and a new life. It's hard to understand that from the outside.

Exactly. She doesn't need you anymore OP, sorry.

However, she shouldn't be playing games about the bachelorette party, because some people genuinely do not want them and would be upset if you went against their wishes. You shouldn't have to guess whether she was being truthful or not. But now that you know it was a lie, hop to it and plan!

Sounds like the sister already planned it with friends and just left OP out of it?

I think everyone is being a little harsh on OP. She says it has been this way for years and then said she would never bring this up to her sister because she knows her sister is wedding planning. I have to admit, I would be frustrated if I tried to plan something for my sister, she told me no, and then after the fact I found out she planned without me.

I think it's insane people are accusing the OP of being a narcissist because she's sad she doesn't have a relationship with her sister.

If she's being completely honest with herself though, I do think there's something about this dynamic she's not revealing, and I'm curious what it is. Parents doted on her more growing up? Maybe slightly more attractive than sis? (Although if she admitted this, she'd be told to get over herself by DCUM users lol).

OP here - I can't sleep and checked this thread and wow it has grown since I last stopped by lol.

I'm really not being opaque about our family dynamic, I promise! If anything, my sister was the baby so our parents doted on her more! She lives closer to them, so they visit each other frequently. And I genuinely think my sister and I are equally attractive; if anything people say we look alike, so it's not like one is a model and the other is a troll.

Sorry OP- this sounds painful. I think you need to stop trying and let it go. She has made it clear through her actions that you are, for whatever reason, a low priority for her and she doesn't want to engage with you beyond required familial responsibilities. You can either nicely broach it with her which may lead to more awkwardness or just completely drop the rope and move on-- she may notice a change in your behavior and respond or she may continue to make you a low priority- but you might end up feeling better about yourself and taking some of the control back

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't. And I probably wouldn't like you either. You are very self focused.

Seriously you needed a same day phone call because you lost your job🙄

She probably only made you MOH to please your parents and if I had to guess she's probably always had to play second fiddle to you and you have always been fussed over.

Her wedding is not about you.

It's not appropriate to have your navel gazing you don't like me fest.

Grow up.
It's not about you.

nailed it. Sister has a fiance and a new life. It's hard to understand that from the outside.

Exactly. She doesn't need you anymore OP, sorry.

However, she shouldn't be playing games about the bachelorette party, because some people genuinely do not want them and would be upset if you went against their wishes. You shouldn't have to guess whether she was being truthful or not. But now that you know it was a lie, hop to it and plan!

If sis doesn't "need" the OP as you put it and if you think the sister is entitled to so callously drop an immediate family member, then why bother planning? She should say she doesn't want to be MOH and distance herself as much as she can from this wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't. And I probably wouldn't like you either. You are very self focused.

Seriously you needed a same day phone call because you lost your job🙄

She probably only made you MOH to please your parents and if I had to guess she's probably always had to play second fiddle to you and you have always been fussed over.

Her wedding is not about you.

It's not appropriate to have your navel gazing you don't like me fest.

Grow up.
It's not about you.

nailed it. Sister has a fiance and a new life. It's hard to understand that from the outside.

Exactly. She doesn't need you anymore OP, sorry.

However, she shouldn't be playing games about the bachelorette party, because some people genuinely do not want them and would be upset if you went against their wishes. You shouldn't have to guess whether she was being truthful or not. But now that you know it was a lie, hop to it and plan!

Sounds like the sister already planned it with friends and just left OP out of it?

I think everyone is being a little harsh on OP. She says it has been this way for years and then said she would never bring this up to her sister because she knows her sister is wedding planning. I have to admit, I would be frustrated if I tried to plan something for my sister, she told me no, and then after the fact I found out she planned without me.

I think it's insane people are accusing the OP of being a narcissist because she's sad she doesn't have a relationship with her sister.

If she's being completely honest with herself though, I do think there's something about this dynamic she's not revealing, and I'm curious what it is. Parents doted on her more growing up? Maybe slightly more attractive than sis? (Although if she admitted this, she'd be told to get over herself by DCUM users lol).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't. And I probably wouldn't like you either. You are very self focused.

Seriously you needed a same day phone call because you lost your job🙄

She probably only made you MOH to please your parents and if I had to guess she's probably always had to play second fiddle to you and you have always been fussed over.

Her wedding is not about you.

It's not appropriate to have your navel gazing you don't like me fest.

Grow up.
It's not about you.

nailed it. Sister has a fiance and a new life. It's hard to understand that from the outside.

Exactly. She doesn't need you anymore OP, sorry.

However, she shouldn't be playing games about the bachelorette party, because some people genuinely do not want them and would be upset if you went against their wishes. You shouldn't have to guess whether she was being truthful or not. But now that you know it was a lie, hop to it and plan!

Sounds like the sister already planned it with friends and just left OP out of it?

I think everyone is being a little harsh on OP. She says it has been this way for years and then said she would never bring this up to her sister because she knows her sister is wedding planning. I have to admit, I would be frustrated if I tried to plan something for my sister, she told me no, and then after the fact I found out she planned without me.

I would refuse to be the MOH. Looks like she’s just doing it to avoid questions at the wedding. There doesn’t seem to be any genuine relationship here.

I adore my sister and she was my MOH, but I hated dress wedding dress shopping and would have preferred to go alone. Taking her behavior as a whole you may be right, but I wouldn’t take the dress shopping as a red flag.

I've been in your sister's shoes and yes, our parents made me name her my MOH. I really didn't want to. We were not close, she was always needier than me, always whinier than me, and her jealousy towards me was evident. I did not enjoy having her as MOH as she constantly whined about where the venue was, the food, the band. Even her toast to us was so whiny. OP, leave your sister alone, she is her own person , you do not have to be close. Nothing wrong with having a surface only relationship, like meeting at your parents one in a while.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't. And I probably wouldn't like you either. You are very self focused.

Seriously you needed a same day phone call because you lost your job🙄

She probably only made you MOH to please your parents and if I had to guess she's probably always had to play second fiddle to you and you have always been fussed over.

Her wedding is not about you.

It's not appropriate to have your navel gazing you don't like me fest.

Grow up.
It's not about you.

nailed it. Sister has a fiance and a new life. It's hard to understand that from the outside.

OP said sister has been acting this way since she went away to college, though.