Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Wow, your story is strikingly similar to mine and I have said the same thing. He's not drawing down marital assets to golf while I work a job I don't love. I am not working a day longer than he is; end of story. What it means is that he’ll retire relatively late and I’ll retire early, like 50/63ish.

He has a lot less time left than you do.

"I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so his ex helped put him through med school then he dumped her for you?

No. He has kids (teenage, almost adults) that just cost money in general, and had his own medical expense with a surprise bill that he is paying off. Manageable, but sucks in the short term. The ex has no money, basically nothing at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Wow, your story is strikingly similar to mine and I have said the same thing. He's not drawing down marital assets to golf while I work a job I don't love. I am not working a day longer than he is; end of story. What it means is that he’ll retire relatively late and I’ll retire early, like 50/63ish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Good for you. Sounds like an effective approach.

Anonymous wrote:What on earth is the point of marrying someone 13 years older than you if they're not rich?

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Anonymous wrote:I broke the bad news to my 13-years-older husband years. He thought I'd just continue working and retire 13 years later than he does, so he felt no pressure to earn and save more.

He made some bad financial decisions, despite working in finance (apparently a common story). I helped straight us out, have worked fulltime at the office, done most of the child/house/social/renovations/eldercare/mental work of the family. He works from home and earns more than me, but has a much easier pace and hours and perks like golf with clients.

I woke up and finally realized where this was headed. With me working to age 70 while he is retired on the golf course, and then me going directly from paid work to unpaid caregiving work of my husband when he's elderly.

I told him -- and our financial planner -- that I will quit the very same day that he quits, and we'll live on whatever we have. And I'm dead serious. He got more motivated, and is hustling to build our savings. And he adjusted his retirement age to two years later.

Anonymous wrote:You keep finances seperate as you are not responsible for his kids. You contribute to the household for your share of the expenses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Aggressively pay off your student loans first. They are considered your separate debt since they predated marriage. As he has financial obligations related to choices he made to have kids before you two met, so do you with student loan debt. If I were you, I'd throw everything you've got after maxing out your 401k into your student loans.

2. Don't become his sugar momma. The bottom line is that he can't retire until he has enough to cover his retirement expenses. Because he's been irresponsible with money, you two will probably have to retire simultaneously. Maybe when he's 70 and you're whatever. Don't be a martyr because he didn't save.

This is why I love the financial acumen of women. They are really good at using your money (stupid sugar daddies), but they are really good at keeping theirs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he still is in debt and is Gen X, he can't afford to retire. Basically you're looking at having a SAH spouse, can you afford that?

Given the differences in your ages, you aren't really making the same amount of money because he is at the pinnacle of his career/earnings, while you still have career and income growth. Plus he's not saving much. So again basically he doesn't earn enough to retire.

I am all for combining finances in a marriage but in your case I don't think that's a great idea. It sounds like he's got no retirement but wants to retire anyway.

He knows he can't retire soon, and is pretty indispensable at his work, so he'll likely work until 70. Whereas I - unless something really bad happens - am on pace to retire at 67 and while not GREAT, am catching up pretty decently so that I should have a healthy enough retirement fund for myself in 30 years. Our financial strategy is stick to the budget and don't get laid off.

I was indispensable and got let go at 59. Unless you own your company and even then some of your kids can stage a coup against you, you are not indispensable. You are making way too many optimistic assumptions in an uncertain and extremely competitive world.

Anonymous wrote:1. Aggressively pay off your student loans first. They are considered your separate debt since they predated marriage. As he has financial obligations related to choices he made to have kids before you two met, so do you with student loan debt. If I were you, I'd throw everything you've got after maxing out your 401k into your student loans.

2. Don't become his sugar momma. The bottom line is that he can't retire until he has enough to cover his retirement expenses. Because he's been irresponsible with money, you two will probably have to retire simultaneously. Maybe when he's 70 and you're whatever. Don't be a martyr because he didn't save.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he still is in debt and is Gen X, he can't afford to retire. Basically you're looking at having a SAH spouse, can you afford that?

Given the differences in your ages, you aren't really making the same amount of money because he is at the pinnacle of his career/earnings, while you still have career and income growth. Plus he's not saving much. So again basically he doesn't earn enough to retire.

I am all for combining finances in a marriage but in your case I don't think that's a great idea. It sounds like he's got no retirement but wants to retire anyway.

He knows he can't retire soon, and is pretty indispensable at his work, so he'll likely work until 70. Whereas I - unless something really bad happens - am on pace to retire at 67 and while not GREAT, am catching up pretty decently so that I should have a healthy enough retirement fund for myself in 30 years. Our financial strategy is stick to the budget and don't get laid off.