Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the shame of the betrayed is easier to see than the shame of the betrayer. Everyone knew besides you so you feel stupid on top of everything else. They knew how to manipulate you and how to hide things from you, so it took a 4th party telling you to realize how gullible and naive you have been.

Betrayers posses no empathy or guilt—that is why they don’t feel shane when they lie and hurt others. They are really vile people.

+1
Who would expect the shameless to feel shame?

Anonymous wrote:Well, when I was cheated on it was the cheater who told me, so...

Same. Confession I would be pissed at the people that knew and DIDN’T tell me. Only his dirtball fellow cheater friend knew.

Anonymous wrote:You shoot the messenger just as Trump did with the head of the Bureau of Statistics. You don't like what you hear so you fire them.

lol

You shoot the messenger just as Trump did with the head of the Bureau of Statistics. You don't like what you hear so you fire them.

After college I was taking a language program out of state for a few months. My good friend called to tell me she saw my boyfriend out on a date and affectionate with another woman. It never occurred to me to be angry with her, even though I was utterly devastated. I take it as the truth will set you free, and while it was so painful, years later I look back and so grateful I found out and didn’t continue in life with him.

I have a different friend who shot the messenger who told her that her then boyfriend was cheating on her. She ended up marrying the guy, and years later he cheated again and they’re now divorced.

So yeah, I don’t get it. I think it you’re totally pulling the wool over your own eyes, you know that the messenger has your best interest at heart, even if it’s painful.

Never heard of this.

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the shame of the betrayed is easier to see than the shame of the betrayer. Everyone knew besides you so you feel stupid on top of everything else. They knew how to manipulate you and how to hide things from you, so it took a 4th party telling you to realize how gullible and naive you have been.

Betrayers posses no empathy or guilt—that is why they don’t feel shane when they lie and hurt others. They are really vile people.

Well, when I was cheated on it was the cheater who told me, so...

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t been in this situation, but I wouldn’t want to know if DH is cheating so I would be annoyed if some busy body felt the need to tell me. MYOB.

Wow

I did this to a friend who was dating someone for a year and their boyfriend had already asked to break up a month prior, they were broken up with no likely chance of reconciling, and the friend was both upset at the breakup and upset at the boyfriend for various reasons. The boyfriend had not only been cheating but using my friend for money and didn't have a job. I thought I was helping to assuage any remaining care about him and help her move on. Nope. My friend iced me out instead. Now I don't tell anyone any bad news. Most people can't handle bad news especially these days. It's all about positive vibes even if nothing positive is going on. No wonder people go on here to ask about their problems. My assumption is they don't have anyone in their lives to discuss these things with anymore.

This happened in my husband’s group of friends. The reason the person who disclosed (and his now-wife) were “iced out” is because no one bought the “good intentions” argument— they were perceived as pot-stirring busybodies with main-character syndrome.

Anonymous wrote:It all goes back to the whole “blame the messenger” mentality OP.

When people are betrayed they always want a scapegoat & it is so easy and convenient to cast blame on the person who initiated the problem.

This could be a factor on why some people prefer to simply stay out of messy situations.
They just don’t want the drama of getting involved.

And who can blame them??

The same people who would kill the messenger are the very ones who will feel betrayed that you knew and didn't tell them.

In my experience, the shame of the betrayed is easier to see than the shame of the betrayer. Everyone knew besides you so you feel stupid on top of everything else. They knew how to manipulate you and how to hide things from you, so it took a 4th party telling you to realize how gullible and naive you have been.

Anonymous wrote:Because they can't handle the perceived shame.

And that is truly sad because it’s the cheaters that should feel shame, not the victims.

Not mad- embarrassed. Feel shame —even when there’s no reason to,

People always judge the betrayed…oh and must not have been having sex, she must be a b@tch at home, (enter countless other untruths)—all to make people feel like it could never happen to them. Then- if they choose to stay-people say they are weak or had no other options, a chump, etc.,

I see more they don’t want to hang out with people that know- not anger. It changes the relationship because they feel judged.